Loneliness in Ministry

Sitting here in Starbucks sipping my tea and begging God to speak to me, I can’t believe how fast I went from such a ministry high to a low. Just this week I got some encouraging news from a publisher (Beth Moore’s no less!). I found out two children in our church accepted Christ. My son prayed for a teen in his school after he accepted Christ at a Fellowship of Christian Athletes outreach. Our church plant has been growing. Our marriage is better than ever. I remember just yesterday thinking, “God is so good to me…my cup runneth over with blessings.”

So how am I here… praying about who I could call to come and support me?  I have so many wonderful friends in the church: women who love the Lord, women who have stood by me for over ten years through good times and bad. The problem is that one of these women wounded me when she chose to confront me with an accusing tone about a conversation my husband had with her sixth-grade girls who were arriving at my house for a sleepover.

I listened and briefly defended my husband, trying to give her my point of view (as I heard it from my husband). She left, but then called the next day to talk more about it. I feel drained and tired by a friend who usually encourages me. This makes it all the more hurtful.

I am an out-loud processor. I talk things through with people when I am struggling. I usually get wise counsel, a greater understanding of what God is trying to do, and talking just helps me straighten it out in my head. I shared my frustrations with my husband. Unfortunately, when he called this ministry leader to work out their misunderstandings, he mentioned that the wives shouldn’t have talked.

Of course, the ministry leader went right back to his wife, so she is trying to call to rehash it again. I’m hitting the “ignore” button on my cell for now. I feel so done. I feel a little betrayed even by my husband for reopening a can of worms. If I call a friend to meet me here, how can I share without engaging in gossip? How can I even trust that it would never get back to my accuser? I know I’ll be over it soon and it will be another blip on the list of hard situations in ministry, so I don’t want to taint anyone else against her by coloring the situation from my point of view.

This is when God is most real to me. He reminds me that I can always come to Him. He is always ready to listen and keeps all my secrets. He welcomes my long list of complaints. I write in my journal about the injustice and even a few imprecatory prayers for my friend. I ask Him to fight my battles for me because I am weary. I pray specifically for every piece of the armor of God over me because I know Satan loves this kind of dissention. But at the end of my long lists and ramblings…He asks….“Now how about you? Anything for you to confess?”

I ask Him to take off my blinders and see the situation the way He sees it. I wait quietly in a room full of other Starbucks drinkers… and then I see the ugly truth. I have been judgmental, harsh, hard-hearted, proud, and not living in an understanding way with my friend. I have taken things too personally. I keep asking God to soften me and help me because I am still battling to give grace and love. I feel so justified.

I pray that God will gradually help me to love like He does. I pray He’d give me direction about whether to continue to address the situation, or to truly let it go with no root of bitterness. I pray that God will help me to keep no record of wrongs; to be able to process it with Him alone and that be enough. I’m so glad even here at Starbucks - without someone in human form to work it through  - He is truly enough.

So tomorrow I can walk through those church doors without a plastic or pasted smile pretending to be something I’m not. As I allow the great Healer to truly change me, I can come in authentically and love on the body of Christ (even the ones casting stones) because of His great love for me.

“Blessing and honor and glory and power belong to the one sitting on the throne and to the Lamb forever and ever” (Rev. 5:13b, NLT).