When You Feel Unloved

Q:  I am a people pleaser, but despite my attempts to earn people’s love it doesn’t seem to work. What can I do?

A:  Many women try hard to receive love. I’m sure love is available to you, but perhaps you are going about it in the wrong way. Once the Lord gave me a descriptive picture of how love works. See what you think.

Years ago, my husband and I visited both of our parents on Sundays. Between the two houses was a huge state prison. When we got near the prison, we could hardly move because of all the visitors’ cars. As we waited, we watched crowds of women and children carrying picnic baskets and gifts, smiling and chatting as they walked toward the prison gate. As we made our weekly trips, we saw families persevere through each season.

When we finally neared the gate, we could see the prisoners, tightly gripping the chain-link fence that surrounded the prison. As I looked into the dark, brooding expressions of the prisoners, I thought, “These men are criminals. They have been convicted of terrible crimes. In fact, they may have battered and abused these very women and children. What do these men do to receive this kind of love and devotion?”

The Holy Spirit spoke to me, “There is nothing those prisoners could do to deserve this.” As God continued to reveal truth to me, I learned some valuable lessons about loving and being loved. The prisoners were loved, not because of themselves or their good deeds, but simply because their families chose to love them whether it was deserved or not. If love is not in a person’s heart, he or she cannot love. If he or she has love and chooses to withhold it, there is nothing I can do. If someone is able to love and chooses to love me, he or she will. And finally, whether or not I am loved is up to the other person.

Through the years, when I have seen people strive so hard to earn love or approval, the Lord takes me back to the prison lesson. We will never be good enough to earn anybody’s love. Even if we can get people to admire us, they may not love us. They may admire and envy us, but their envy will only promote competition, not love. Even if we can cause them to need us, they may treat us with scorn.

Sometimes, the harder we try the more detached people become. There is nothing we can do to make people love us. When we accept that truth, the striving can stop.

Jesus showed us how real love works. Romans 5:8 says, “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” By the time many of us come to Christ, we are broken, guilty, ashamed, confused, discouraged, angry, and wounded. We may not have actually been in prison, but we may feel like prisoners. Like the prisoners, we need love, but can’t qualify for it, no matter what we say or do.

Jesus embraces us just as we are, and that is what true love is. Jesus loves us at our lowest point, because He has the love to give and He chose to come to earth and give it. The Bible says in John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son…”

Attempt to give up earning love through people-pleasing and approval-seeking. It simply doesn’t work. Every person our Father created is loveable! Look for loving people who will love you even at your lowest point. These people will be the closest to Jesus. Keep your heart open.

~ By Lynda Elliott