Will I Ever Be Enough

When 27-year-old Ashley Thomas walks into a room, you can’t help but notice. Standing over six feet tall is certainly one reason, but not the only one. You can’t help but notice the spark in her beautiful brown eyes. They just immediately draw you in. She has a peaceful contentment about her life —all stemming from the deep realization that no matter what happens in her life God is enough. 

Growing up you rarely saw Ashley without a basketball in her hand. “I have pictures with basketballs in my crib,” Ashley fondly remembers. “So I think I was destined to play.” In fact, in kindergarten when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up, Ashley said, “A professional basketball player.” It was a dream that consumed most of her life. It defined her identity.

With her height and background—both her parents were college basketball players—it’s no surprise that she became a star on the basketball court as well. It was their family identity after all. From the time she was in fourth grade, people took notice of her abilities, which eventually led to becoming a top college basketball star. 

While basketball provided fulfillment, it also became a way for Ashley to escape her challenges—family financial troubles, moving, constant home relocations, and even eviction. Ashley, was living in two worlds, her basketball world in a private school and the realities of chaos at home. She never felt like she fit in. In spite of it all, Ashley kept focused on her basketball goal—her saving grace.

Raised in a Christian home with two sisters and a brother, she learned about God at an early age, but it wasn’t until just before her freshman year of college that she really discovered what it meant to follow Christ with her whole heart. As a result, her focus began to change from basketball to God.  

But with all of her successes, she always struggled with being enough. Enough on the basketball court, enough in other people’s eyes, enough for her fears, and enough for God. 

After leaving her basketball career behind, Ashley was made the Executive Director of Hope Street (hopestreetministry.org) in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, one year ago. It’s a place she calls “home” and knows without a doubt God has been preparing her for this ministry her whole life.  Hope Street is a greenhouse for people where broken men, women, and children whose lives have been profoundly affected by the toxic environments they grew up in, their poor choices, and drug and alcohol abuse live, learn, and cultivate hope found in Christ.   

Recently, JBU had the privilege of sitting down with Ashley to talk about her new focus in life and the journey God has taken her through to discover the joy and freedom of finally resting in His sufficiency. 

JBU:

Where did your feelings of never being enough come from?

Ashley: I did really well playing basketball my freshman year of college, but that was it. Between injuries and coaching changes my sophomore year, I wasn’t playing at all and hit a really low point. Looking back, I know there was some anxiety and depression, but also the unhealthy need for approval and needing to be good at everything. I felt even then God was saying, “Nothing will be enough until you know that I am enough.” And I never felt like I was enough. As an athlete, your whole life, you’re always taught that there are things you can fix and you’ll be better, but I couldn’t fix this. 

I knew my dream of playing professional basketball was over, but I wanted to end well, so that summer I worked harder than ever. I lost the weight I gained while I consoled my feelings with food and came back to school in the best shape of my life. I was totally focused on basketball when I heard God’s voice asking me again, “Am I enough?” 

JBU:

Where was God in your life at this time?

Ashely: Basketball was my God. I prayed to God, but only to get more points in a game not to thank Him for the gift He gave me and ask Him how He wanted me to use it for His glory. But when things went wrong I thought, “He’s not giving me what I want so goodbye.” 

JBU:

How did you resolve the anger you had towards God with your injuries?

Ashley: The worst was when I tore the ACL in my knee. My mom would slip me Scriptures and notes like, “God has a plan and He can use this,” and “People are praying for you.” I thought God had ruined my life. It felt like He didn’t care about me or He wouldn’t be allowing it. And then people’s support stopped. 

One night in despair, I randomly opened my Bible and 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 jumped off the page, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, and what is unseen is eternal.” I didn’t completely understand those verses at the time, but they gave me something to hope for, to know that something good could come out of this.     

JBU:

And did it?

Ashley: Yes, I got involved with Athletes in Action and met some people who truly changed my life, Chris and Serah. They asked me the hard questions that made me think about my faith. So I dedicated my life to Christ. Serah was my first real mentor. She would pray with me and challenge me to step out in my faith. She encouraged me to lead a team Bible study with two other girls. By the end of my sophomore year, most of the team were coming!      

JBU:

So you were as “enough” as you ever could be at basketball and then you hear God say, “Am I enough?”

Ashley: I remember journaling about it. I wrote, “Yes, I can say I’m in a good place physically.  I’m doing pretty well spiritually. I mean look at my Bible study?” I could always point to stuff and that made me feel okay instead of saying to God, “You are good, You are enough. Period.” I don’t need to say anything else after that, but I couldn’t.

I realized if He is enough then I can be present in each moment because I’m not looking to what’s next or questioning what’s happening. It’s simply, “I’m here right now” and I can look around and see things I’m thankful for—and see who I am in Christ. 

JBU:

At what point did you realize that what you were looking at to fulfill you wasn’t enough?

Ashley: When I realized this (basketball) isn’t enough because it ends. This isn’t who I am. Yes, I’ve done it for the last 22 years, but it doesn’t have to be who I am anymore. It was time to explore who I was apart from basketball—my God—knowing that I can be loved and enough apart from it.   

JBU:

Where did God take you next?

Ashley: I heard about a pastor in Milwaukee who could help me make some decisions about next steps. He told me about an inner city high school in Milwaukee where they recently started a college and career center and needed someone to spend time with the kids to help them with college applications and job research. I was thinking, “I don’t know how to do any of this?” However, I took the job and committed to moving to Milwaukee.

I went in day after day and just listened. This was a season where I could just listen to what the needs were, listen to the stories, and just be a learner.

One of my first assignments was to visit one of the church’s local partners, Hope Street. I remember walking into the building so surprised. From the outside it’s just a big brick building, but once you walk through the doors there’s this overwhelming peace. It feels like home. 

JBU:

Tell us how you started at Hope Street.

Ashley: The challenge about moving to Milwaukee is it didn’t feel like home. I didn’t know where home was, especially because I moved around so much, but this was not where I was expecting it to be. When I met the director, I cried because I was so overwhelmed. He very kindly prayed for me. Later, he asked if I would like to volunteer at Hope Street. I started with Wednesday prayer meetings. Week after week I was blown away by the prayers in that room and so humbled because of the things people were praising God for. I had never heard people burst into song in prayer to God for things like waking them up, or giving them a meal, and praying for this home they have at Hope Street. There is a community here, a culture you can’t make up. It was so unreal and so special. I asked the director what else I could do and went from volunteering, to doing some administrative work, to filling the open slot for Operations Director full time.  

JBU:

How was getting involved at Hope Street a step of faith for you? 

Ashley: Not only was it my first “official job,” but I was entering into a population I had been previously taught to avoid. There is a certain level of fear when you step into the unknown, and I had to trust that God, who led me here was greater than those fears.

JBU:

Have you had any “I’m not enough moments” and how have you worked through them?

Ashley: Yes, I set impossibly high standards for myself, and when I don’t meet them I make it personal. I feel I have failed in some way. In prayer, God has humbled me and reminded me over and over that it’s not my story it’s HIS. That if He is enough, I am enough. 

JBU:

How did your home situation prepare you for the ministry you’re now a part of?

Ashley: It taught me a lot about acceptance and empathy. It is so important that all men, women, and children who walk through our doors are treated with dignity, not judged because of their situation, but seen through beloved eyes. No one wants to be without a home, it’s deep to the core of who we are. I’m not sure I would have this same perspective if I had not experienced what it was like to be without. 

JBU:

What do you do at Hope Street now?

Ashley: I am the Executive Director of Hope Street, which I was totally unprepared for.

JBU:

But you showed up?

Ashley: Yes. It was as if God was saying, “This!” A year ago, I was at a retreat listening to you talk about the Names of God and the name that kept ringing in my head was El Shaddai, God is enough. You said, “God asks us, ‘Do you want to handle this? Or should I?’” It was like a lightbulb went on and I could honestly say, “God, You are enough, period. And because You are enough, I can say yes. I can do this even though I have no idea what this is going to be like, but if I get to do it with You, I’ll do it.” 

JBU:

One year in, what do you think?

Ashley: I’ve learned a lot about myself, really good things, really bad things and everything in between. In the midst of it all just knowing that I am loved by my Father is more than I could ever imagine. He’s enough for me, for the people that live at Hope Street, and for this city, I didn’t want to move to but have fallen in love with. It’s messy and hard, and there are days I want to pull my hair out, and none of it is what I expected.

JBU:

What has been the biggest lesson you’ve learned so far?

Ashley: I love the kids at Hope Street. They run in, hug me, and scream “Ms. Ashley, Ms. Ashley.” It’s a joy and it makes me realize I missed so much of my childhood, because I was so focused on one goal only—basketball—and what was next. I was buried in my identity as an athlete. It feels like this is what God has equipped me for.

To watch these kids as they walk into Hope Street from the toxic mess that is right outside our doors and know they are loved just as they are is amazing. It took me twenty-seven years to learn what they already know at three. It’s just so cool how God has used my life experiences to help me enter into an empathetic relationship with the residents of Hope Street and to bring all the glory and honor to Him. 

JBU:

What would you tell other women struggling to let God be enough?

Ashley: Be mindful and present every day by acknowledging the good with the bad. Be grateful and grace-filled. I begin each day by telling myself the truth of who I am in Christ—loved, chosen, and beautiful. I do it outloud, which somehow makes it more real to me, and then I choose to point out these truths in others—helping them believe it, helps me believe it too.

JBU:

Tell me about your arm.

Ashely: I have a tattoo that says ENOUGH. I got it near the one-year anniversary of the retreat where I finally said, “Yes, You are enough” to God. Underneath the word is my favorite verse, 1 John 4:18, which says “…but perfect love drives out fear…” The word and the verse go together for me because God’s perfect love is enough and that love makes me complete and whole. It reminds me that He is enough because of His unconditional love for me and for His people and it eliminates any fear of inadequacy or expectation I am trying to live up to. I am enough because He is enough.