When it Hurts to Go to Church

No one expects the church to be perfect. But we do expect God’s family to treat us with more kindness and compassion than the world does. Injuries inflicted by fellow Christians can wound the soul like nothing else. They can lead to disillusionment that when left unchecked and unhealed, affect how we view ourselves, how we relate to other Christians, and how we relate to God.

There are ways to dig out of the hurt and break through the bitterness and anger. If you’ve suffered a church hurt or know someone else who has, these resources will help hurting people navigate through the painful waters of church hurt. It is possible for people to hold on to their faith, rebuild their trust, and transform the bitterness. God can heal the hurt and bring glory out of the mess!

ARTICLES

Burned by the Church  By Michelle VanSlate

Slamming the telephone onto the receiver, I flung my words of frustration at my husband, who sat in the family room watching the latest episode of Star Trek. “I can’t believe it! It’s not fair.”  Bryan lowered the TV volume. “Who was it?”  “Pastor Don. He said ... he said that I....”  My throat closed over the rest of my sentence. I curled up on the couch and grabbed a box of tissues as tears spilled down my cheeks. I loved the church and had poured my heart into it, but now we were being pushed out. When my husband first took the job as an unpaid associate pastor, the church was positive and supportive. But as times got tough, the new guy and I, his wife, were taking the blame. These most recent allegations from Pastor Don were only the latest in a growing list of petty grievances against us. 

Hurt, frustration, and confusion welled within me as Pastor Don’s accusations rang in my mind. “You should have…,” “You were wrong to...,” “This was your doing,” “You’re not being faithful.” And with each statement, I felt as if someone were jabbing me with a red-hot poker.

I hadn’t expected to be hurt like this, especially in the church. But with three tissues wadded in my fists, and my eyes red and puffy, there was no denying it: I had been burned by the church. 

When People in the Church are Hurtful by Laura Sandretti

How should we respond when longtime friends, church members, and the women we serve and serve with are upset? What do we do when people are hurt and are hurtful, when our faith, biblical integrity, and leadership come under fire? What do we tell our kids when they see others criticizing their mom and their church on social media? What do we say when people in the community ask, “What’s going on at your church?” 

As with any difficult situation where human beings, emotions, and varying opinions are involved there are no easy answers. However, in the wake of our recent church controversy, the Lord is teaching me some difficult but invaluable lessons that are providing me much needed peace and perspective.

BOOKS

Overcoming Church Hurts: And Moving Forward in God  By Cinda Adams Gaskin

A church hurt is something most people have either heard about or experienced. And it seems that the more involved you are with a church, the greater the propensity for experiencing or learning of a church hurt. What do you do when you experience a church hurt? Do you simply quit the church in a huff, vowing to never return? Do you go around bad-mouthing the church leaders, telling anyone willing to listen that they’re a bunch of hypocrites. Do you simply forgive, as the Bible says? I wrote this book to help hurting people navigate the shipwrecked waters of church hurt. My aim is to help these people hold on to their faith, rebuild their trust, and transform the bitterness they are likely feeling into a sense of wholeness and peace.  

Church Hurt: The Wounded Trying to Heal  By Angela L. Corprew-Boyd

The body of Christ is full of people who have been wounded by Christians or the church. Author Dr. Angela Corprew-Boyd helps the hurting recognize they are not alone and provides them with wisdom and knowledge to reach out to Christ and receive deliverance from wounds that have made them bitter, resentful, and less effective in ministry. Once crippled by wounds inflicted by her pastor and trusted members of her church, she describes how she found healing and offers words of comfort and practical advice for readers grappling with their own church hurt. Topics covered include the many possible sources of church hurt, how to recognize when a wound is still open, how woundedness can be transferred to church members, and the process of healing.    

Healing Your Church Hurt: What to Do When You Still Love God but have been Wounded by His People  By Stephen Mansfield

If you’ve been part of a church, you have probably suffered a “church hurt”—or know someone who has. Maybe the pastor had an affair or the congregation fought over money or the leaders were disguising gossip as “prayer.”  Stephen Mansfield knows how it feels. Though he is now an author, he was a pastor for more than 20 years, and he loved it—until he learned how much church can hurt. Yet he also learned how to dig out of that hurt, break through the bitterness and anger, stop making excuses, and get back to where he ought be with God and His people if you’re ready to choose the tough path to healing. Mansfield will walk you through it with brotherly love, showing you how you can be better than ever on the other side of the mess.

Recovery from Church Hurts  By Sally Scammell

Church can hurt. Why? Because there are people in it. Even when working together for a common cause, we can hurt one another. Usually it is not intentional, but that doesn’t make the pain any less. Frequently we hide our conflicts and offenses while pretending all is well. That decision buries our pain below the surface where it festers like an infection. Frustrated and hurting, we leave our churches. Friendships are fractured. Some give up on God. Sound familiar? Then this book is for you.