Last summer I, (Seana) wanted to quit motherhood. My family had just moved to a new city, and I felt isolated, frayed, and stuck. In the midst of it all, I called my friend Martha and vented. She affirmed me through silence and sighs, and she reminded me about the last move and how all the details worked out. Then she prayed for me to find the right grocery store and help my boys adjust. I needed Martha. But she needs me, too. Many times, I also offer her the silence of listening or words of wisdom.
Women need each other—and not just for play-dates at the park or pasta recipes. We need spiritual friendships that will nourish our souls.
Martha and I want to share with you the joy of our spiritual friendship, including the ingredients of spiritual friendship and common mistakes to avoid.
FINDING A SPIRITUAL FRIEND
Seana and I (Martha) met through Facebook—one of the advantages of social media—and we set a friend-date at Starbucks. Our coffee turned cold as we laughed about newlywed adjustments. Her authenticity and kindness confirmed that I could trust her with my inner thoughts.
When I (Seana) first met Martha, she offered to help me clean my house—and I let her. We spent hours laughing and talking as we mopped floors. God sparked an authentic friendship through Martha that day serving me in my place of felt need, which allowed the dirty floors of our hearts to open to one another.
How do we find a spiritual friend?
1. Pray.
The Apostle John encourages us that if we ask anything according to God’s will, He hears us (1 John 5:14).
2. Find someone who loves Jesus.
The writer of Hebrews advocates for believers to spur on one another toward love and good deeds (Heb. 10:24), so look for someone whose love for God shows in the fruit of how she treats others (Ps. 119:63).
3. Find someone in your season of life.
For example, if you’re a mom, find someone with kids similar to the age(s) of yours. Although not essential, finding someone with children whose ages nearly match those of your own helps you to live shoulder to shoulder in the same stage of life.
4. Seek someone you can connect with regularly.
We live in a unique time where deep friendships spring up from the diverse soils of social media, school events, and work places. However as a friendship buds, it needs time for connecting and listening.
5. Ask the potential friend to hang out.
This first step can feel awkward, but once you share stories over a cup of coffee, you will be glad you asked.
THE MAIN INGREDIENT OF SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIPS
My (Martha) time with Seana refreshed me in the Lord—even when we just hung out while scrubbing dishes. So, I asked if she would become my prayer partner. We set a specific time daily, at first, to pray with one another. Now that our lives include numerous kids, we connect verbally less often but continue to pray for one another as we bathe our kids or whip up dinner.
I (Seana) love the way Martha prays for me. When I don’t know how to pray for myself, her listening heart turns my concerns into clear words—like when my husband searched for a new ministry position and my oldest son struggled in school. In both circumstances, Martha prayed for specifics for a job and my son’s heart—the details I couldn’t express under the heat of anxiety.
Prayer unites the hearts of friends in the Trinity. We approach the throne of the Father with one another through the blood of Jesus Christ, and the Spirit leads us in how to pray. Serving one another in prayer removes the toxic ingredients that sometimes spoil friendships.
HOW TO NOURISH A SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP
I (Seana) sat on the floor ready to fold a mound of fresh laundry. Then the baby started crying her little shriek that means, “I want to eat again.” With a sigh, I abandoned the laundry, picked up the baby, and glanced at my phone to see this text: “Praying for you. God is with you and will give you the strength you need.” Martha texted me at just the right time.
In the constant activity of our everyday lives, nourishing spiritual friendships has to become creative. So how can we nourish our friendships?
1. God’s Word.
When Seana and I (Martha) share our hearts with one another, we ask, “What Scripture addresses this?” This reminds us of biblical truth in a loving, gentle way (Heb. 4:12).
2. Transparency.
When I (Seana) called Martha, she listened to my frustration about my burnt chicken dinner—and responded with her saga of three kids throwing up with fevers. Then she shared with me her determination to consider it all joy when we face various trials. As friends, we share the details of life, including our souls, and welcome each other’s words of encouragement and authenticity (Prov. 25:11, James 1:2-4).
3. Consistency.
Technology helps us follow the admonition of the writer of Hebrews to not give up meeting together and encouraging one another (Heb. 10:25). Sometimes Seana and I (Martha) chat on Skype or pray on the phone, but most of our relating happens through text messages sent between changing diapers and reading Llama Llama Red Pajama to our kids.
4. Service.
Full schedules means that serving one another in friendship sometimes involves simply listening and praying. Other times, it means sacrificing to a great extent to meet someone’s needs, like the times I (Seana) fly into Los Angeles and Martha picks me up at the airport, with three kids in tow (Jn. 15:13).
5. Forgiveness.
Hurt happens in friendship. We spill judgment or splatter harsh words. We season with selfishness or resentment. When hurts happen, seeking forgiveness enriches the flavor of our relationships. When Seana missed my (Martha) birthday, she felt terrible and asked for forgiveness. Of course, I forgave her.
HOW TO SPOIL A SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP
Sin messes up relationships—like the time I (Seana) told myself I would never parent as well as Martha. I felt hurt but my self-condemnation, but God helped me recognize my sin and I repented. Sin spoils unity and peace in many ways, but here are a few major ones to watch out for:
1. Negative Comparison.
Martha and I enjoy learning from each other’s strengths. When I compared myself to her, our friendship suffered. Now we celebrate each other’s strengths. Celebrate, don’t compare. God gifts us each differently (1 Cor. 12:14-31).
2. Judgment.
Judging our friend with a condemning heart also hurts the relationship. We are all on a journey toward Christ-likeness. Seana and I (Martha) continue to learn to give each other grace for growing (2 Pet. 3:18).
3. Gossip.
Share successes publicly and care for struggles privately. When Martha’s husband, Daniel, received an acceptance letter into medical school, I (Seana) told others out of excitement. When she texted me about her beginning to lose a baby in miscarriage, I carried it close to my heart in prayer (Prov. 10:19).
4. Unrealistic expectations.
With today’s women being pulled in so many directions, spiritual friendships require flexibility. Sometimes Seana and I (Martha) talk every day, and sometimes every few weeks. Flexibility allows friendships to endure throughout various seasons of life.
TIPS FOR CONNECTING
Friends need to keep in touch creatively. Below I (Seana) share a few ideas that nourish the friendship between Martha and me:
1. Use technology.
- Send a text message, no matter the time of day.
- Call during naptime or while you’re in between activities.
- Email (you can use voice to text if your hands are busy).
2. Put it on the calendar.
- Set times to hang out for a play-date, kiddo-free coffee, or an after-bedtime phone call.
- Set a reminder in your calendar to pray or send a text.
Spiritual friendships nourish our hearts throughout every season of our lives. Let’s encourage one another and savor the joys that spiritual friendships bring.
“Aelred, a Cistercian monk who wrote a profound treatise on friendship, said, ‘And so in friendship are joined honor and charm, truth and joy, sweetness and good-will, affection and action. And all these take their beginning from Christ, advance through Christ, and are perfected in Christ.’ This is the core of biblical friendship, and what sets it apart from what the world is offering: it all flows from Jesus Christ. Friendship finds its origin, purpose, and power in Jesus. Our human friendships then must be shaped by this life-changing truth. Biblical friendship is deep, honest, pure, transparent, and liberating. It is also attainable.” ~ The Company We Keep, by Jonathan Holmes
~ By Martha Ybarra and Seana Scott
