From the outside looking in, Lysa Terkeurst’s life seemed close to picture perfect. Married to her childhood sweetheart for over 20 years, mother of five young adults, founder of Proverbs 31 Ministries—a worldwide Christian women’s organization with six million Social Media followers—and a #1 New York Times bestselling author of over 20 books, who could ask for more? And yet, during this season of great personal and professional success, her world shattered and came crashing down.
“In 2016, I experienced an upheaval in my marriage—what I thought was my safest, most secure relationship,” recalls Lysa. “Addictions and an affair became part of the devastation. I’ve had my heart broken a lot, but nothing like this.” As the crisis unfolded and escalated, Lysa told her husband Art, “I love you. I can forgive you. But I can’t share you!” After almost 18 months of intense couple’s counseling, and with the hope of restoration, Art continued to abuse substances and be unfaithful. After much prayer and consultation, Lysa felt it was time to make the hardest decision of her life and pursue divorce.
Not only was Lysa’s marriage falling apart, so was her body. She had an intensely painful health issue that resulted in serious surgery, removing most of her colon. The doctors said she should not have survived. Not long after that and while still separated from Art, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a double mastectomy. The emotional and physical pain of all this havoc in her body and betrayal in her marriage was excruciating. There were days and months spent in deep darkness and fear. “I promised myself that if I actually survived the act of looking my greatest fears in the face, I would eventually be a voice of help and hope for others thrust into a despair they never imagined,” says Lysa. “So, here I am. I survived. And I am determined to turn my battle scars into a battle cry to help others.”
Lysa has never wasted the pain and still allows God to use it as her very best teacher. Her sold-out dependence on Him in the midst of life’s greatest and most recent heartaches is richly depicted in her book, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered. “Sometimes,” says Lysa, “to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like.” And that is exactly what she has done.
JBU visited with Lysa. Join us as she shares more of her story, including an incredible surprise along the way.
JBU: Why did you write It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way?
Lysa: Life often looks so very different than we hoped or expected. We have this feeling that things should be better than they are. People should be better than they are. Circumstances should be better than they are. Finances should be better than they are. Some events may simply catch us off guard for a moment, but others shatter us completely. And underneath it all, we’re disappointed. I deeply and personally understand that ache of disappointment. That’s why I wrote the book.
If I could only give one life message, this would be it. I want to help others find the hope God has given me in the midst of the most heartbreaking season of my life. I want them to be able to find unexpected strength when disappointments leave them shattered. I want them to know how to wrestle well between faith and feelings when life gets turned upside down.
JBU: How have you wrestled with your feelings and faith?
Lysa: I have honest feelings where I want to throw my hands up in utter frustration and yell about the unfairness of it all, so to deny my feelings any voice is to rob me of being human. But to let my feelings be the only voice will rob my soul of healing perspectives—the very insights God wants to comfort me and carry me forward. My feelings and my faith will almost certainly come into conflict with each other. My feelings see rotten situations as absolutely unnecessary hurt. My soul sees it as fertilizer for a better future. Both these perspectives are real. And they yank me in different directions with never-ending wrestling. To wrestle well means acknowledging my feelings but moving forward, letting my faith lead the way.
JBU: How did you hold on during those years of weeping and being alone?
Lysa: There were many dark nights where all I could utter is “God help me.” I felt so shattered by the fact that I knew God could fix things and He didn’t appear to be intervening. Those were times I did not think I would make it through this. I remember being shocked that Jesus had once cried out similar prayers asking God to change His circumstances. Mark 14 starting in verse 32 provides such a profound glimpse of Jesus’ absolute, raw humanity in the midst of His complete divinity. It was deeply healing for me to understand that even Jesus asked God to change His circumstances and fix what God surely could have fixed in an instant.
Jesus’ words right before He was arrested were ‘”Abba, Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me…’” (Mark 14:36). His divinity made Him perfect and sinless, but His humanity felt the brutal weight of human hurt. He understands loneliness, betrayal, and being devastated by people He should have been able to trust. And because I know He’s felt what I feel, I knew I could trust Him to lead me through my heartbreak.
So I changed those dark night of the soul prayers to statements of assurance. “Jesus, I love You. And I know You love me.” I would whisper that over and over until God granted me the gift of just enough peace to sleep and survive another night. Eventually those nights of just surviving turned into the unexpected strength I have today.
JBU: How do you define hope—especially when reality is extremely painful?
Lysa: Hoping doesn’t ignore reality. Hope means I acknowledge reality in the very same breath that I acknowledge God’s sovereignty. And hope isn’t tied to my expectations finally being met in my way and in my timing or in whether or not a circumstance or another person changes. My hope is tied to the unchanging promises of God. I hope for the good I know God will ultimately bring from this, whether the good turns out to match my desires or not. And, sometimes, that takes a while.
JBU: What is the first step toward healing?
Lysa: Feeling the pain is the first step toward healing the pain. The longer we avoid the feeling, the more we delay our healing. We can numb it, ignore it, or pretend it doesn’t exist, but all those options lead to an eventual breakdown, not a breakthrough. The feeling of the pain is like a warning light on the dashboard of a car. The warning light isn’t trying to annoy you. It’s trying to protect you. And pain is much the same. It’s the pain we feel that finally demands we slow down enough to address what’s really going on below the surface.
You can feel like the pain will never subside and that every day from now on will be as hard as it is right now, but healing is possible and it will come if you pursue it. Eventually, the pain will ease and possibly even turn into a purpose of helping others.
JBU: How are you rebuilding your marriage and how can others do it too?
Lysa: A lot of people want to know why I stayed. At first, I didn’t think I’d have that option because it takes two willing people to do the hard work of healing together. I was shattered by the thought of my family not staying together and I promised myself to let time pass before making any final decisions. I wanted to leave room for God to do a miracle. I knew that miracle would either be a reconciliation or a rescue, but either would require me to wait, watch, and trust God. Even though there was a point in time I was moving toward divorce, after three years, I was asked by a man with a repentant heart and a restored soul, sold out to God, if I would give him another opportunity to love me. And with a much deeper understanding of what love is, I have chosen to say yes.
This isn’t a cookie cutter process that applies to every relationship. These kinds of situations are deeply wounding and incredibly complicated. But this is where our story has landed. Art and I are both doing the hard work of reconciliation and seeking to find purpose from our pain. We’ve made the choice to let God use our story, as messy as it is, because we know others would drown in their own tears if not for seeing the glimmer of hope in ours.
JBU: What is the difference between redemption and reconciliation?
Lysa: It’s crucial to understand reconciliation and redemption are not one in the same. If reconciliation is possible, remember that trust is built with time and believable behavior. Keep your heart open, but also keep your eyes wide open as well. Be honest with what you see. Get good Christian counselors involved surrounding yourself with friends who you know will pray more words over you than they speak to you and about you. Don’t invite the World Wide Web of public opinion into your private pain. Even if your situation doesn’t allow for reconciliation, redemption is still yours for the choosing. This is the indescribable gift of our God who breathes life into the shattered soul and creates something new and more beautiful than ever before.
JBU: Talk about forgiveness.
Lysa: I now understand that forgiveness has two parts to it. I must forgive for the facts of what happened. But then there’s a deeper work of forgiveness that’s a crucial second part. I must also forgive for the impact all of this has had on me and my family. Residual anxiety, fear, and a diminished ability to trust have all been part of this impact. And this impact may come in waves through the years that are unexpected where new realizations of wounding from the initial trauma are realized and must be forgiven. Forgiveness is both an act and an ongoing attitude.
But there’s also been a good side to the impact of this as well. Art and I are deeply empathetic towards others walking through hard times. We are so much more vulnerable with each other and others. There’s a sweetness to our relationship that I love. When you share a deep sorrow, you can also share a deeper understanding of how to love each other back from darkness into light.
JBU: We’ve heard people say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” Is that biblical?
Lysa: No, that’s not actually in the Bible. And it’s simply not true. I know I’m not the only one who feels they’ve been given more than they can handle. I see the wide-eyed expressions on people all the time. The world is filled with people who are dealt more than they can handle. God doesn’t expect us to handle this. He wants us to hand this over to Him. He doesn’t want us to rally more of our own strength. He wants us to rely solely on His strength. If we keep walking around, thinking that God won’t give us more than we can handle, we set ourselves up to be suspicious of God. We know we are facing things that are too much for us. We are bombarded with burdens. And we are all trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense. Before we can move forward in a healthy way, we must first acknowledge the truth about our insufficiency.
JBU: What word of encouragement can you leave with those living through disappointment and pain?
Lysa: Leave room for God to do a miracle. While we trust a God who does allow hurt, we also trust a God who uses hurt for good. Every single time!
Editor's Note: As of 2022, circumstances have sadly changed for Lysa TerKeurst and her marriage. A word from Lysa: "As many of you know, three years ago, Art and I renewed our marriage vows after a painful separation. It has crushed my heart to know he has broken those vows...It's hard to face a future that looks nothing like what I desperately and constantly prayed it would look like...the truth is relationship restoration doesn't always work, but forgiveness always does...Sometimes the culmination of all our efforts and the answer to our prayers is that God restores us in relationships. And sometimes He rescues us out of relationships. I don't understand why circumstances sometimes go the way my story is now going. But I'm standing firm in my faith and trusting God with every step. I treasure your prayers and compassion."