Struggling with Singleness

It was official. Another one of my friends was “off the market” because she had just entered a relationship. I was happy for her, truly I was. I knew she was head-over-heels for this guy and it was God’s perfect timing in bringing them together. There is just one problem, I thought to myself, I’m still single and my friend here is younger than me and is no longer under this curse! Two years later my friend and her beau are now married. Guess what? I’m still single.

I’m going to be blunt: Singleness in the 21st century is weird. Hook-ups and one-night stands are awfully common and you’re looked at as a prude if you disagree or say that you are saving yourself for marriage. For many Christians, dating is something that has to be done just right so as not to hurt the other person or cause any awkward disruption in the social circle. I’ve seen a ton of people in the church treat it like it’s a curse. And you know what? I sometimes feel as if it is. I know in the back of my mind that it isn’t and that ultimately I’m single because God wants me to be right now, but my sinful nature often takes my thoughts to the land of what’s wrong with me? Am I ugly? Am I too tall or too loud? Did I talk too much when I met him or too little? Do I need to flirt more? What on earth am I doing wrong? Whenever I fall into these thoughts, I always pray because there is nothing else I can do.

I have a friend who started going to my church almost a year after I started going. Within three months of attending the church, she was asked out on dates by two different guys. I was nearly in shock when I heard this. “I’ve been going there for a year and not a single guy has shown interest in me!” I didn’t show it at the time, but I was angry – angry that she clearly had something that I didn’t. She had what guys were looking for. I, on the other hand, clearly didn’t have (and still don’t) whatever it is that guys want in a girl. I’m not the type of girl that guys ask out, I started telling myself. Maybe I just don’t possess what great Christian guys are after.

All of this is, honestly, quite depressing. If you are currently a single Christian girl, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Singleness these days is just weird. Some treat it as something to be fixed, some see it as “your years to be free, discover yourself, and do what you want,” but I’ve found that a precious few truly know what it is. Our singleness is not for ourselves. Look around you and see what the Lord has blessed you with. Is it a tight-knit friend group? An amazing and fulfilling job? A church that is built on the foundation of God’s Word? A loving family who supports you and is always there for you? Remaining thankful and reminding yourself of what you do have is key.

I have found myself falling into the pit of bitterness when I allow my thoughts and emotions to control me. When I find myself in these moments, I close my eyes and pray, “Lord you are good, you are so good,” and oftentimes that’s all I pray in that moment. It’s a quick way to refocus my thoughts on the Lord’s power, mercy, goodness, and grace. It also helps me to continue in joy, leaving my bitterness at the cross. If you find yourself wallowing in your singleness, here are a few suggestions: 

• Pray and thank the Lord for His constant goodness and faithfulness in your life.
• Hold tight to His promise that He knows what is right for us and knows the perfect timing for everything (Job 38 and Habakkuk 3:17-19).
• Know and understand that marriage is not something we are promised and it’s most certainly something we don’t deserve. Falling in love, getting married, struggling and laughing through life together, raising kids, and growing old with the love of your life is not something the Lord promises in His Word. It is a precious gift He blesses people with according to His perfect plan. 

Remember that singleness is not a curse and it’s not something that is in need of fixing. 

We are single right now in this moment because God wants us to be. We are single because He has ordained it and it is good. Do I want to be single for the rest of my life? No! I want to be a wife, a mother, a grandmother, and a great-grandmother (if the Lord wants me to live that long). But right now, in this present moment, God wants me to be single. Knowing that it’s the Lord’s will gives me comfort and fills me with hope. God hasn’t abandoned us, single ladies. And no, there’s nothing “wrong” with us. Are there things we can continue to work on in ourselves for the rest of our lives? Absolutely! 

And, I’m working on seeing and treating people the way God does—made in His image. It’s so easy to become angry at roommates, frustrated with coworkers, and lash out at family members, but God wants us to love people like He does. While I’m working on that—I’ll continue to live my life in the joyfulness found in the Lord and rest in His good and perfect plan for my life.  

RELATED RESOURCES:

• Thriving While Single