What I Wish You Knew...

I’m a single millennial who’s experienced intense pressure to begin a relationship that I didn’t want. And I’m not the only one. I frequently hear single millennials tell stories about their parents pushing them toward a major life change that they aren’t ready for yet—marriage. Their parents’ questions and statements—sometimes innocent, sometimes pointed—threaten to lure young adults out of God’s will.

For example, my friend Heather shared her frustration with me about the mixed messages she receives from her mother.

“My mom is so confusing. One minute she’s telling me to stop thinking about guys, and the next minute, she’s trying to push me together with one.”

Unfortunately, she’s not the only one with these frustrations. More and more single millennials are consistently hearing about their singleness from their parents. But according to national surveys, parents who dream about seeing their children married may have to wait a while. The latest study by the U.S. Census Bureau reveals that 44 percent of U.S. residents age 18 or older are single. And according to the Demographic Intelligence’s U.S. Wedding Forecast, the marriage rate was projected to break records in 2016 by dropping to 6.7 Americans out of every 1,000. 

Fewer of us millennials are concerned with getting married at the same age as generations past. Within our generation, delaying marriage until thirty is perfectly normal. 

What Your Child Really Hears from You

As you know, parents have the incredible opportunity to influence their single child in ways no one else can. Christian young adults, in particular, often value their parents’ advice and responses, so a negative response to a child’s singleness, even in jest, can be a hard blow for them. 

Parents don’t intend to be hurtful, but they may often be unaware of how sensitive their kids are to their reactions. While parents may think their message is perfectly clear, their millennial children may be interpreting that message differently. Here’s what single millennials are really hearing.

1.  Inconsistency

“So you’re a senior. Are you dating anyone yet?”  One of the college administrators asked my friend. 

“No, not yet,” she replied with half a laugh, used to this kind of question. 

“No? Well, you need to get on that.”

Wait a minute. If God doesn’t plan for my friend to get married until three years from 

now, should people really want her to “get on it” now? This common advice screams inconsistency to millennials. How often do Christians tell singles God has great plans for them and will bring the right person at the right time, then turn around and teasingly tell them to start doing something about their singleness?

We millennials hear Christians advocate contentment, but then they encourage us to try to escape our present situation. We hear them preach trusting Christ, but then they make us feel that we aren’t doing enough ourselves. Though we many never tell you, this can be incredibly disheartening.

2.  Discouragement

Kaylee, struggled in her teen years with being content in her singleness. Then she reached college and began making leaps and bounds in her attempt to enjoy her life as a single adult. Suddenly her well-meaning mom, certain that her daughter was inwardly wishing for a boyfriend, said, “You should start talking to more guys. No wonder you aren’t dating yet!” 

Of course, Kaylee knows her mom meant well. And she knew her mom wasn’t trying to discourage her. But the more it happened, the more bothered she felt and the more she wondered if she was wrong for being content with her singleness. She was torn between this new-found freedom and her old struggle with discontentment. 

3.  Desperation 

“I think my mother is more desperate for me to find a guy than I am!” says the college girl walking behind me.

“Well, tell your mom to have patience. You’re trying!” replies her friend.

Often, when singles arrive at a “marriageable” age, it can feel like family members are trying to marry them off. Not in an unloving way, of course. Perhaps families are simply trying to come alongside their kids and help them find the mate they surely must want. However, to the one being “married off,” this well-intentioned effort can cause more pain than good.

4.  Shame

For me, coming home on college breaks always held awkward moments of people asking if I had found anyone yet. I hated saying no. I felt as if I was disappointing them, and I became ashamed of my singleness.

My friend Landon knows that his longing for a wife is a good desire—a God-made one. But for some reason, every relationship keeps falling apart. Landon often cries himself to sleep, believing he will never find anyone to marry and will grow old alone. He begins to believe something is wrong with him.

When Landon’s dad teases him about “not being able to keep a girl,” Landon laughs it off or gives a snarky response. But inwardly, the comment cuts deeply into an already troubled heart. 

The True Goal 

Should marriage be your single child’s true goal? The obvious answer is no. Yet, sadly, we don’t always act on that knowledge, and the results are confusing and hurtful to the very people we are trying to encourage.

If your son has discovered that he doesn’t need a spouse to live the life God has for him, then he needs encouragement as he pursues that life. If your daughter is learning to patiently wait for the right man and right time, she will need encouragement as she strives to rest in God’s plan and grow into the person God made her to be.  

The Positives

Weird as it may be, your adult children are, well, adults. They’re figuring out what they want in life. And who they want. They need you to give them the space to decide and support them, whatever their choice. 

We single adults need to know that you love us and are proud of us, exactly as we are—single—and that you do not wish anything more for us, outside of what we already have. 

As we trust in God’s omniscient timing, we need you to also trust. And as we spread our wings and live fully, adventurously, and absolutely contentedly as singles, we want you to be absolutely content as well. When we long for the good gift of love, we need to be assured of your love and belief that we are whole and well just as we are. When our faith falters, we need yours to help bolster us up (after we cry on your shoulder for a while). And if someone should indeed come waltzing into our life, we hope that you’ll celebrate with us with all the joy you can muster! 

As parents, you have the incredible opportunity to uphold your children’s Christ-pleasing efforts, strengthen their commitment, and remind them of who they are in Christ. And as Jesus uses you to lavish His love onto the single adult in your family, you’ll have a front row seat to watch as His sufficiency transforms their lives.

~ By Jessica Swanda

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