The following story is true. It was told to me by the mother of a little girl, who I am calling Susie. My hope is to remind parents of the importance of early education for protecting their precious children from sexual assault..
I received an emotional phone call from a young mother one afternoon. She told me of a situation that had just happened with her then 6-½ year old daughter, Susie. Their family was visiting with another Christian family.
After dinner, the adults were chatting downstairs and the various aged children were playing in other parts of the house. Susie was acquainted with one of the sons of the host family. He was about 2-½ years older than her. The two of them were upstairs in the bedroom areas, alone.
Three Times “NO”
In the course of innocent playing, he requested Susie to take off her shirt. She said, “No!”
Then he requested she place her mouth on his genitals. She said, “No way, I am not doing that!”
He said he was going to pull down his pants. She covered her face in the bed pillow and said, “I am not looking. Tell me when you are done doing that.” The boy didn't touch Susie or force her to do anything.
While driving home in the dark, Susie told her parents what happened. Although in shock, they remained calm. They asked clarifying questions, and repeatedly praised her for telling them about it. They affirmed her correct responses and the wrongness of the boy’s behavior regarding respect for other people’s bodies, etc.
After putting their three little girls to bed that night, they fell into sobs and a sense of disbelief that this had happened to their child, with another Christian family, while they were in the same house.
Intentional Follow-up
The distressed parents talked to social workers and counselors about what to do next. The professionals explained the legal situations and their options. Because the boy was not three years or more older than Susie, this would not be considered "sexual assault or abuse" legally. The parents’ goal was not to bring legal action, but to move forward.
This incident may have indicated that the young boy had himself been exposed to inappropriate sexual behavior. He desperately needed help to change his present behavior before negatively impacting another child.
After a few days, the two sets of parents discussed what happened. It was awkward, but fruitful. The family placed the young boy in counseling with a trained child therapist and his social activities were carefully monitored.
Following expert advice, the girl’s parents lightly brought the topic up over the next few days with Susie to see if any additional information surfaced. They told their daughter she could talk about this incident with her grandparents or other adults she loved and trusted. They encouraged her not to tell other children. They explained this in age-appropriate terms that she could understand.
To this day, Susie appears to have moved forward without any lasting trauma. Her resilient response was helped by the careful preparation she was given years before from her parents. Her parents’ response after the situation helped Susie process what had happened to her. Prayer was also a significant factor in helping her navigate this difficult experience.
Making Kids Smarter and Safer
There are many good resources available to help parents and children who have experienced sexual abuse. Here are eight keys to consider as you prepare your young children and teens how to protect themselves from inappropriate physical encounters.
1. Build a relationship of trust with your child.
Know their world. Invest time and discuss diverse topics. Nothing is too awkward or off limits. Be the grown-up. Blush but keep talking and listening.
2. Present a healthy view of sex.
Explain God’s good intention for sex between married couples. In age-appropriate terms, teach the correct names for body parts, not nicknames. This will be helpful if they ever need to report if someone touched them inappropriately.
3. Set modesty boundaries.
Allow for closed doors (not locked) or privacy when using the bathroom or changing clothes. Permit children to have input about who they give physical affection to. When playing with other children, keep doors open and play in view. Teach children to say "No!" when approached or touched inappropriately.
4. Explain the presence of evil in the world.
To give a context for teaching personal safety, let your children know that not all people are respectful and kind. Most child abusers are not strangers. Discuss grooming techniques that might come from a relative or neighbor. Explain the dangers of the Internet and social media. Monitor device use in the home and keep devices out of the bedroom and in full view when being used.
5. Teach safety skills.
As early as possible (ages 2-4) teach kids their parents’ first and last names, phone number, address, and what to do if lost at a store or mall. If someone offers candy or a ride home, or asks to play a private “game,” teach them to say "No" and to tell Mom or Dad about it right away. Role play and practice safety scenarios.
6. Talk about secrets.
Tell them it is okay not to tell Mom about a birthday or family surprise. Say strongly and often to your children, “It is NOT okay for someone to tell you to keep secrets from Mom and Dad.” Let your children know you will believe anything they tell you and that you will check out what they say to make sure they are safe.
7. Be vigilant. Watch out for your children.
If you have a solid relationship with your child and you are talking about everything, you may have a clear view into their world. Your presence is also key. Their innocent perspective may miss someone giving constant, special attention. Investigate sleepovers carefully and never force your children to go with someone or to another home if you or they are uncomfortable. Consider holding off on sleepovers until they are in middle or high school.
8. Seek out Professional Help When Needed.
You may need to reach out to trained professionals if you suspect sexual abuse or assault. Professional counselors, school social workers or counselors are good places to start.
Trust God to Help
There are no guarantees against preventing sexual abuse. Laying a protective, open foundation between parents and children is the best way to prepare for the possibility of abuse. Staying calm and communicating clearly is the best response in all conversations and situations. Listen well and ask a lot of questions. Children take their cues about how to respond to life and various situations from their parents and family members.
The goal is to prepare your children to live their lives freely and carefully, and to minimize fear. Pray often for wisdom and protection for your family. Pray for eyes to see any questionable situation or behavioral changes in your child, even with family or friends. Let them see you trust God and His love for your life. Even when problems occur and something happens as awful as sexual abuse, remember that He will guide you and your child to peace and healing. He is a good, good Father and knows how to care for His children even when the worst happens.
