My good friend had changed drastically over the last decade, but the reason for her new distant self eluded me. Sitting across from her at a cafe, my recent ponderings resulted in an unplanned question. “Are you in an abusive marriage?” The shock of own my question was replaced by the bewilderment of her answer. She flatly replied, “If I was, how would I know?”
Her response was yet another clue to a hidden life that God would expose in the weeks to come. Prior to the public unraveling, no one knew my friend spent the duration of her twelve-year marriage in a web of emotional abuse by her deeply troubled and narcissistic husband, a professed Christian.
For many years, my friend had been like the sister I never had. How could I have overlooked her desperate reality? Frankly, I was naive and didn’t know domestic abuse happened in Christian circles. Because of this, I wasn’t aware of classic signs that pointed to the possibility of her abuse.
IDENTIFYING SIGNS OF ABUSE
- My friend’s husband perpetually moved the family, always farther and farther from our city (to areas with increasingly poor cell reception). About an hour away, visits with her became rare and spotty cell service made texting difficult. I kept telling myself that her family preferred rural living. I didn’t know that abusers intentionally isolated their victim(s).
- Despite having the means to put a small down payment on a home (and my friend’s repeated request to do so), her husband insisted on renting for the duration of their marriage. I tried not to judge my friend’s husband for his uncharacteristic preference, not realizing that his resistance to home ownership perpetuated my friend’s financial dependence on him (having no assets to their names beyond their cars).
- Over the years, my friend increasingly declined a wide variety of invitations to see friends and family. Though frustrated, I chose not to take her “unavailability” personally. I didn’t know that abusers alienated the abused from their loved ones. The abuser takes a victim role, citing: “your friends don’t understand/like me.” Or the abuser twists reality in a way that demonizes the abused person’s loved ones. Thus, abusers intentionally discourage relationships outside their home—with “good reason.”
- My friend’s disposition changed considerably over the course of her marriage. Her joy and laughter had been sweet while our conversations were significant and transparent. Now, her countenance seemed masked, while our conversations felt hollow. As a busy mom of two, I reasoned that her now trite and superficial ways were a byproduct of her exhaustion and the infrequency of our visits. I didn’t know that she had constructed mental and emotional walls, attempting to do “damage control” (i.e., she sought to anticipate or prevent her husband’s abusive cycles).
Upon learning more details of my friend’s life, those who loved her likely came to understand that she was a victim of abuse before she did. Victims of domestic violence, particularly within the church, are slow to concede that the word abusive is an accurate description of their reality, often because of their Christ-like love for their spouses and their resolve to embody verses like 1 Peter 4:8.
Since I discovered my friend’s situation, I’ve had years to acknowledge the warning signs I missed while also learning how to interact with a loved one who faces abuse. In many ways, my actions (in real time) were a disservice to my friend. But learning through my mistakes, which were largely made in ignorance, has taught me how to respond more appropriately while allowing me to share this knowledge with others. Here are a few guidelines if you discover a loved one is a victim of abuse.
DEALING WITH DOMESTIC ABUSE
1. Research Abuse (foremost, for yourself)
I wrongly felt it was my duty to convince my friend she was being abused. Reading about abuse and narcissism or watching informative videos (by professionals) is helpful. However, the goal of your research should not be to persuade your friend to understand her situation and/or get out of it, but to better inform you of domestic abuse. Hopefully, your increased knowledge will also come with large helpings of tenderness and empathy. Bearing your friend’s burden involves more acts of compassion than attempts to “fix” her or her situation (Gal. 6:2).
2. Refrain from Questions
Many of the details we desire to know only serve to satisfy our own curiosity. Gathering information about the realities happening behind closed doors rarely helps remedy an abusive relationship. Don’t pry but listen (Prov. 10:19). Abuse victims will share more information about their unique cases if and when they are ready, with the person/audience they choose.
3. Do Not Disparage the Abuser
Victims of abuse often require a lot of time and professional counsel before they see their abuser in an accurate light. As they begin to voice negative observations about their abuser, those comments should be received, but not echoed (Jas. 4:11). Hold space for your friend to share harsh realities about her abuser, but do not throw back her critical statements (or your own) at a later time (to her, or a third party). The victim may deem you as an unsafe confidant and then desire to discontinue sharing—with you, or even others (which perpetuates the victim’s isolation).
4. Do Not Insist the Victim “Just Leave”
You may identify many potential “solutions” for your friend (i.e., where she can live, how she can earn income, etc.), but the victim will see just as many obstacles as to why those solutions aren’t possible or best. Additionally, saying just (e.g., “just leave”) minimizes the extreme cost required for her to exit the relationship. Leaving can feel insurmountable, as the victim has to overcome logistics, risks, fears, and skewed beliefs, some that may be byproducts of codependency.
5. Know You Cannot Convince the Victim to Do Anything (get counseling, become informed, leave the abuser, etc.)
Months after the abuse was made public, I confided in a friend that I felt exasperated trying to help my abused friend. She responded by telling me what others had: the victim has to make their own decision(s). She explained how her own sister had been in a terrible domestic situation and her parents physically went and moved her two states away—but her sister went back to the situation! Seek to be a gentle presence for the abused person. Don’t pressure them, but consistently convey simple sentiments like: I am here for you. I care for you. I am available if you ever feel the need to talk. I can go with you to get help if you ever decide you need it.
6. Safely Encourage the Victim
My friend’s husband regularly accessed her phone (reading her text messages, Voxer and Marco Polo app messages, emails, etc.). Aware that he would likely intercept anything I sent, I began sending cards and written notes to my friend’s workplace. At times, I would send her an article about abuse that seemed pertinent, or even a book. I didn’t care if she acknowledged the resources or even read them. The important thing was that, without creating red flags her husband might see, she had the opportunity to be helped—even a little (if she wished).
It took years, but my friend eventually legally separated from her husband. She continues to seek therapy. She believes her hardship is being redeemed by God and that her story will benefit others as she befriends and encourages other abuse survivors.
If you would like support for domestic abuse, resources include National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 or go to www.calledtopeace.org.
