Lisa was caught completely off guard. Robin’s anger was clear even through her tears. She believed Lisa purposely turned others against her and that was why she wasn’t asked to head up the retreat committee again this year. The truth was Lisa had suggested someone else do the retreat to give Robin a break because she was concerned about the stress contributing to Robin’s frequent migraines. Lisa had a choice. She could react out of her gut instinct to defend and protect herself. It would then sound like this: “How could you think I would speak ill of you! That’s the last time I help you out. All I was trying to do was give you a year off. You’ve been complaining to me for months about all the work you have and your dreadful migraines, and this is the thanks I get?”
Lisa’s other choice would be to take a deep breath, think, and ask God for wisdom. “...Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” (Jas. 1:19). Slowing down made her realize she felt like she had a knife in her stomach and she wanted to run, or retaliate and hurt Robin. Instead, she looked at Robin and saw a wounded friend, so she chose to respond by moving toward Robin. “Tell me more about what you heard and how you are feeling. I hear you are really hurt and angry. I’d be hurt too if I thought you betrayed me. I’m very sorry I didn’t talk to you first and ask you what you wanted to do. I did not speak badly about you, but I did say you’ve been having problems with headaches and maybe needed a break. Please forgive me.”
I think you can imagine the two different outcomes with the different responses. I’ve had a lot of practice with confrontation, probably more than most. As a group therapist, it is normal at times for clients to become angry with me for something. A pregnant silence always comes over the group when someone dares to confront the therapist. People are in therapy because they are hurting and have been hurt by people. It is my job to respond differently from how they’ve been hurt in the past, and therefore help them learn new ways of thinking and behaving. I need to validate feelings, empathize and lead them into what is true. Within the group we can then also talk through whether or not their confrontation was said abusively or just honestly.
Proactively moving toward the aggressor instead of reacting to the fight or flight instinct, shows respect, confidence, love and inner security. It almost always moves the interaction to a problem-solving mode. After all, what is so hard about saying “I’m sorry?” To be able to admit our own mistakes and limitations shows honesty, humility, and integrity. And we don’t need to be right or perfect – that is the mystery of drawing our security from God’s love, not our own performance. It puts the old chide “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me” into a whole new perspective. There is a peace in humility.
Humility is neither self contempt nor self hatred. It is not healthy for you to take all the responsibility and shame on yourself in a conflict. You can’t be sorry for things out of your realm of control. Doing so could enable someone else’s sin of blaming or irresponsibility. Yet it is very disarming in a conflict to take responsibility for the ‘grain of truth’ of what you may have done wrong. Sometimes it is helpful to draw out the feeling and think of the other person. By listening to the other person, there is a good chance his or her anger will fizzle.
Some people are angry or bitter about life in general. Their own soul is in constant turmoil. Recognizing this in someone will help you to detach and see that although they are blaming you, the problem lies within them, not between you, even if their angry words are directed at you. If you don’t counteract or get ruffled by their tantrum you will become an unsatisfactory outlet for their venting and they will probably move on.
Facing a confrontation and moving toward it is like boating in high waves. You are least likely to capsize if you turn into the whitecaps.
Things to Tell Yourself in The Midst of a Confrontation:
I am okay, these emotions won’t harm me.
It is okay for me to be limited and make mistakes.
I can still be loved even if I’m not perfect.
If there is real danger here I can set a boundary and leave.
If I’m confused I can ask for clarification.
It is okay to take a time out and respond to this person later.
I need to connect with the truth.
I will be okay even if we disagree and end up disconnected.
It probably took a lot of courage for this person to confront me.
Getting this out in the open can lead to a resolution.
I am a separate person and do not have to feel the same emotions this person is feeling.
Just listening and hearing the other person out is helpful and healing.
