Shelly Esser, editor of Just Between Us, shares the importance of sitting down for meals as a family and how they are not simply just a time to eat, but a time to connect and build meaningful relationships with family and friends. Shelly shares practical tips and talks about how it’s still possible in today’s hectic fast-paced family lifestyle to make the family dinner hour happen!
1. How often do you/did you have family meals?
All throughout our kids’ growing up years, we have had nightly family meals. We continue to do so with those who are home. Two of the girls work a couple nights a week, so when they work they aren’t able to join us, but the rest of us sit down to dinner together. I have made it a priority through the years to work around activities and work schedules where possible to ensure that the dinner hour wasn’t skipped as a family. If you are intentional, it can be done. And if not nightly, families can shoot for at least some designated nights a week. I also had nightly family meals all throughout my growing up years.
2. What would you say is the focus of your family meals? Tell me a little about that. How did it start, intentionally or did it evolve? What do you especially like about it?
I grew up in a home with five girls, a live-in grandfather, and, for a time, a foreign exchange student. My mother’s gift was hospitality, so the dinner hour was a very important part of our life. We always had guests around our dinner table and my dad would come home every night from work at 7 p.m., and that’s when we would eat. We would literally all be sitting at the table waiting for him when he drove up the driveway at seven to eat together. They were the times we all connected about the day, the times when important discussions took place, and where family fun happened. So I never knew anything different. I just assumed this was “normal” for a family, so when I had my own family it became a normal part of our family life.
I find it sad today to see so many families forgoing the family dinner hour. I can’t tell you how many of my kid’s friends have come over and are shocked that we all sit down as a family and eat together. They continually comment to our girls and me about how lucky we are that we are in a family that does this. We are seeing families in our circles who not only don’t eat together, but who are left with each person making their own dinners so there isn’t even common food at mealtime. Kids are eating in all different rooms in the house, in front of the TV, isolated, and alone. Huge communication skills are being lost as well as connection on an intimate level with family members. That’s why I’m passionate about family mealtime. Many kids don’t even know how to set a table today or know what proper etiquette and manners are.
A number of years ago, a foreign exchange student came over for dinner with one of my daughters just before she was ready to go back home to Germany. I’ll never forget her comment: “This is the best dinner I’ve ever had in America.” I can assure you that I didn’t fuss so it wasn’t the food (I’m not a wonderful cook!); I don’t even remember what I served. I truly believe it was the fellowship and fun around the table that she was responding to—the sense of family.
This past weekend one of my friends and one of my daughter’s friends spent the weekend with us. As our family sat around the dinner table with our guests, I was struck by thinking about where else can kids slow down from the chaos of life, and come together with people from varying generations and be able to engage in meaningful conversations and learn from one another? My 21-year-old and her 20-something friend, my high school freshman, and my 60-year-old friend all talked so naturally. The night was filled with lively conversation and laughter and everyone was strangers when they first sat down together at the table. All were interested in what was being said, all were learning new things, while not even aware of it. We were not sure where one of our guests was spiritually, but the conversation was filled with references to God and what He was doing in our lives. There was no eagerness for anyone to leave once the meal was finished. I left the table that evening knowing that some significant things had taken place; young people were encouraged as they shared their dreams for the future, we older people were inspired by the passion and energy of the younger kids, and it was evident that God was present orchestrating things as only He could. And He was able to do it because there was the opportunity through the mealtime that provided the place for things to happen beyond having a meal together. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through the years—the family dinner time is so much more than the food!
3. What do you do at the table besides eat?
We have wonderful conversations about all kinds of topics—spiritual, dating, world events, politics, school, hopes, dreams, encouraging one another, prayer, vacation dreams, fun, friendships, and any other topic that happens to come up. We have done family devotions through the years and all of our family and holiday celebrations take place around the table.
For example, every Valentine’s Day we have a special dinner. I decorate the dining room in red—red tablecloth, special Valentine’s napkins, red lights, etc. We exchange Valentines with one another and share something we love about the people around our table. It’s a night of love for our family. We do similar celebrations for all birthdays, Christmas, Easter, graduations, end-of-school, and any other things we celebrate as a family. I always try to find fun and celebratory napkins to include with the meals. We have a huge life-sized cutout of Brett Favre (we’re Wisconsin Green Bay Packers) that my daughter won at school. We started having fun with it years ago, bringing him up from the basement on special occasions, putting a party hat on him, or graduation cap and gown, etc. with signs saying crazy things for birthdays and special occasions. It’s the talk of our dining room! And everyone wants to get their picture taken with him! I try to make my family feel special whenever I get the chance. When we have visitors, we often sit around the table long after dinner is over just talking, spending time together, and playing board games. We also dye our Easter eggs and cut out cookies and things like that. It’s a place where the life of the family happens.
4. What is/was one rule you found yourself telling your kids over and over?
That the dinner hour is sacred and no answering the phone, texts, etc. Cell phones or electronic devices are not allowed at the dinner table. It’s a time for spending uninterrupted time together. We let the answering machine take care of any incoming calls (I’m dating myself!). I have also taught the kids to linger at the table—none of this gulping down food and running out. Even if kids are finished, especially teenagers, we communicate that we look forward to their presence at the table and want to spend that time with them enjoying their presence so they stay put.
5. In your own family and others you’ve observed, what ingredients are necessary for a successful family meal?
Most importantly is the intentionality of making it a priority. If you shoot for nothing you are bound to hit it every time. Today it’s just not an expectation or a possibility in many family’s minds so it doesn’t happen. And, I don’t think you can use “busyness” as an excuse. We all make time for what’s important. If the family dinner hour is important, there’s a way to make it happen. I also think the food is so secondary. It’s not about the food. So often we get caught up in all the preparations which can take a lot of time, failing to see God’s bigger plan through the time spent together. So don’t stress over the food, keep it simple and healthy realizing that if you’re going to sacrifice anything time-wise, sacrifice the food preparation not the actual table time. You don’t have to spend a lot of time in the kitchen to make it happen. People are eternal, food isn’t!
It’s important to make family meals special, too. I have always tried to make the family meal communicate that my family is special, that I value them. I light the candles even if we’re only having pizza on paper plates one night. Why should all the special touches be saved for only a couple of times a year? I use china other than just the holidays; I try to mix it up and make it an inviting place, a fun experience. We always have our kids tell us their favorite meal for their birthdays and then we have a birthday dinner night where their favorite is served! I want them to look forward to dinnertime.
6. Is there anything you would do differently if you could start over again with your family?
I would have been a lot more intentional about regular dinner guests. We’ve had different periods when we’ve had a lot of guests, and other times when not many. I would have liked to put more energy into looking around for those people we could have welcomed around our table. I remember thinking at times, I just don’t have the energy to put together a meal when I should have looked at it more from a bite-sized approach. Then just invite people over for dessert or coffee, or ask guests to bring some of the meal.
7. Have you been successful in getting your children to help with cooking? How have you done that?
Overall, I have done a fairly good job, especially since I don’t love cooking myself. I’m more into the creating of a beautiful, fun, and welcoming atmosphere at mealtime. I started them at young ages to help me in the kitchen. They started out with kitchen duty where they became familiar with the things in the kitchen (cooking utensils, pots and pans, dishes, gadgets, dishwasher, etc.) as they set the table and cleaned up on their nights. Then I had them try baking. We’d make cookies, brownies, or cupcakes or things for special school treats or holidays together. Then when they were in middle school, I purchased fun age-appropriate kids’ cookbooks and had them look through and pick out things they’d like to make. I’d have them make the grocery list and we’d go shopping for the items. In middle school, when they were off for the summers, I had them pick one day a week where they selected something from the cookbooks (entrée, dessert, salad, etc.) and they would make that for dinner for everyone. I wish you could have seen their faces when they presented their creation to the family. They were so proud of themselves, and so was I! I also taught them how to make some basic recipes (grilled cheese sandwiches, soup, pancakes, macaroni and cheese, tacos, salads, basic cooking skills, etc.)
Interestingly, three of them love baking and cooking. Every year, our second daughter makes the family pies for Thanksgiving not just for us, but for the extended family gatherings. She learned to do that in middle school. Two of my other girls often go on-line to find interesting recipes to try out. My oldest is a later bloomer; she’s just now, as a young adult, very interested in cooking, etc. I think if you encourage and make it fun when they are young it will carry over into their adulthood.
8. How have others around your table enriched your meals?
For as long as I can remember, family mealtimes have been a customary practice in my parent’s home and my home. Through the years, all kinds of people have sat around our table. Gladly we have always made room for one more. Our guests have included missionaries passing through who needed a place to stay, our heartsick college roommates whom we brought home with us for the holidays, my dad’s numerous running buddies, as well as the hurting, the happy, and many others at impromptu gatherings. Our family has benefited on every level as a result.
By watching this example growing up, I learned that God has placed our homes and paths where He has placed no one else’s. No one else in the world has the same table I have. Wow! So different when you think of it that way. We never know who we might be influencing or touching for Christ as a result of a meal! I think about how the disciples in Luke 24 invited a stranger to eat with them one day only to eventually discover that they were breaking bread with Jesus Himself! Jesus—the Son of God, the Light of the World, the Savior of Mankind! What a meal that turned out to be! We never know who might be sitting at our table who could one day, given a little encouragement, be used mightily for eternity’s sake.
One of our guests growing up was a foreign exchange student named Jurg from Switzerland. He ended up living with our family for a year. Now a pastor serving in his Swiss homeland, he attributes his call into ministry to the time he spent around our table talking about spiritual things. Consistently exposed to Christians who modeled a vibrant, growing faith, he deserted his backslidden ways in exchange for the way of true discipleship, which eventually led him into the pastorate. And to think it began with a family meal. Little did we know that the time around the table night after night was used by God to help a man get his relationship with Christ back on track, restoring his relationship with God. To this day, our families are bound together visiting each other often. A huge blessing in all of our lives!
I have seen over and over again how the seeds of a mealtime prepare the way for the gospel. I believe time around the table was instrumental in my own father’s conversion as year-by-year God brought incredibly godly strangers around our table who radiated the love of Christ to my dad, who wouldn’t attend church at the time, but who would gladly share a meal.
9. Do you have family devotions at a mealtime? Describe a specific time when they were meaningful. (If you can’t think of a specific day, tell me what kind of devotions have been most meaningful.)
Throughout the girls’ growing up years we had devotions at the dinner table. It was very challenging at times, but we pressed on. There were complaints, but as my mother often said of teenagers, “They’re enjoying themselves; they just don’t know it yet!” We would finish the meal and take turns reading from the age-appropriate devotional books. The devotions that have been most meaningful have been those where a light bulb goes on for someone or the content happened to address exactly what someone was going through at school, with friends, etc. Again, the best part about it is the open conversation it provides and the connection for everyone on faith topics.
10. What advice would you give to families with school-aged children who want to start meaningful family mealtimes?
I think starting this tradition as early as possible when children are first learning to sit at the table as toddlers is extremely important. There’s no way you can expect to have meaningful dinner hours and time together connecting and sharing conversation with middle-schoolers and teenagers if you haven’t built that relationship all along the way. Relationship and connection needs to happen from a child’s earliest possible days and words.
Families also need to learn to have fun together and enjoy each other’s company through the years. I believe kids will look forward to family mealtimes if that’s the case. We always had Fridays as family fun nights as our kids grew up and it always entailed going out to a special place for dinner among other things. We moved our dinner hour to a fun place often on those nights, but still shared a meal. It could be a picnic, or out on the patio, or just something that says, “You’re special and I want to spend time with you!” Don’t let this fast-paced culture squeeze you into its mold, the family dinner hour is possible and you will never regret it—and neither will your kids!
~ By Sharon Fleming
