Mentoring is not always easy. As human beings, God created us to need each other, yet it can be difficult to find someone who is willing to truly invest in our lives. At the same time, it can be hard for us to set aside the time to authentically invest is someone else’s life.
But maybe we make it more difficult than it needs to be.
Are we too particular?
Using wisdom to guide us to the right people is important, but I wonder sometimes if we get too picky. Do we overlook people as possible mentors (or mentees) because of the differences between us? Or perhaps our self-doubt and insecurities get in the way. We don’t want to make the first move in case it’s the wrong move, or the first time we meet doesn’t work out well, so we give up too soon.
Are we too programmed?
Do we feel the need for someone to set up a mentoring relationship for us? Perhaps we experienced mentoring done really well through a particular program or ministry, and we simply want someone to duplicate that experience for us. Is that too much to ask? Well, yes, it just might be. Programs and ministries can help make connections, but it takes personal sacrifice and effort to keep them going. That’s up to you.
Are we too unwilling?
We can try to justify our unwillingness by claiming we’re super busy or not the right fit, or offering a myriad of other excuses, but perhaps we’re simply not willing to give what is needed to establish and maintain a mentoring relationship.
Mentoring puts us in a vulnerable position, whether we are giving or receiving. We have to expose our lives to others. That’s easy for some of us and incredibly difficult for others. Mentoring seems so elusive for some yet seems to come naturally to others. That’s frustrating or exhilarating, depending which side you fall on.
Sometimes it feels as if we’re coasting down a hill as we ride bikes on a beautiful day; it is almost effortless. Other times, we struggle to make it up a steep hill of challenges; it wears us out. Both are part of the journey.
Both make mentoring worthwhile.
Truth be told, mentoring is much simpler than we make it. We want it to be well-defined, because that makes sense to us. We think mentoring is a relationship between two women (or men), usually one older and one younger, where the older one imparts wisdom to the younger one. But it is so much more than that. Often, the women are close in age. They both feel they benefit from the relationship; in fact, you will hear many say they get the best end of the relationship, that they receive way more than they give.
We all need others. We need to find someone to help us through the relational, spiritual, emotional, and practical ups and downs of life. Of course, Jesus is our ultimate mentor, but God gifts us with community, the people who surround us to cheer us on and challenge us. And we are here to surround others. If we’re honest, we are mentoring and being mentored all the time. But we need to be intentional about both.
How can you find and maintain mentoring relationships?
Pay attention.
Set aside your assumptions, and open your eyes and heart to the opportunities God is placing in front of you. Relationships often begin with eye contact and a brief exchange of words. You don’t have to instantly decide how deep the relationship will go or how long it will last.
Persevere.
Just because you hit a bump in the road doesn’t mean it’s time to quit. Be patient and diligent. Put in effort, and be humble through the process.
Stay spiritually healthy.
The best thing you can do for any relationship is to be the healthiest you can be. Determine to grow spiritually each step of the way. That might mean you need to move on from a relationship. Or you might find God sharpens you through one you’d rather set aside. Trust Him to lead the way.
Transition through seasons.
Just because a relationship works well for a while doesn’t mean it will remain in your life forever. Growth requires change. Saying goodbye (and hello) takes courage. It’s difficult; yet it’s essential to healthy spiritual growth. Again, let God lead.
Accept the mess, but don’t’ be content to stay in it.
Set aside your idealism about relationships; know they will be messy. Be willing to work through the mess, admitting that everything won’t ever be completely neat and tidy, but as you work through issues, choose to rely on and get closer to God.
We need to recognize that others are not perfect, just as we aren’t. Others will let us down, just as we do them. Relationships require sacrifice of time and energy, but God is the One who gives both, so it’s best to spend them His way anyway.
Mentoring is messy because it involves two people sharing life with each other. That includes everyday situations, crises, and celebrations. It might be more mess than magic, but when you invite someone into your life and authentically invest in each other, the experience will help both of you grow in unrivalled ways. Give it a try!