I find myself at coffee shops a lot these days sitting across the table from women who aren’t doing very well. They are struggling to make a good decision in some area of their life: fighting for a marriage that is falling apart, trying to make sense out of a hurt inflicted or wondering what it looks like to live as a Christ-follower in a world that seems so uninterested in Christ. These women are trusting me with their situations and hoping for help, so I’ve taken a good hard look at what it looks like to offer godly counsel well.
I have not experienced many of the things being shared with me, but I can point them to someone who has—Jesus. Hebrews 4:17 tells us “…we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin,” The best place to begin is by bringing them before Him in prayer. Sometimes this happens out loud in a very public coffee shop, but more often than not, it takes place beforehand. When you don’t know what to pray for someone, bring them into God’s presence by saying their name to Him over and over because He knows what they need. When I have done this beforehand, I find that by the time I arrive, the person I am meeting already has a new sense of peace—all I’ve done is pray and show up.
Most of the women I talk to don’t necessarily need to hear from me, they just need to feel heard. It’s a practice called active listening. At first, I try to say very little but convey empathy, acceptance, and genuineness. I have found the best way to do this is to breathe through my nose. You can’t talk and breath through your nose at the same time. The Holy Spirit has a way of allowing us to listen to ourselves when someone we trust just sits nearby and says nothing. They speak their situation out loud and, as it goes back to their heart through their own ears, the Holy Spirit moves. They experience insight, comfort, release, and care—all I’ve done is sit nearby, pray in my spirit, and breathe.
When it’s time to speak, I try to internally ask myself a few questions.
- Will this be helpful, gentle, and kind?
- Is my input a combination of truth and love?
- How can I both honor God and bless this person?
These have a way of settling down my own emotional reactions to what I’ve been told and give me a framework for trying to respond well to their hard questions. There is no answer to why something has happened and, because we are all sinners trying to navigate life in a broken world, there is rarely an explanation for the way we treat each other. The best words I offer describe who God is in the midst of their mess. The most comforting words I have are about God the promise keeper (Gen. 15); the one who calls things that are not as if they were (Rom. 4:17) and has their name written on His hand (Isa. 49:16); the One who has redeemed us and will be with us in deep waters and fiery flames (Isa. 43:1-2).
I genuinely love the “Aha” moment when someone in need realizes there is Someone to meet that need. If they want to know my own story of experiencing this, I will tell them but most of the time it’s not necessary. God has spoken, and it is more than enough.
I wish it always went like this but between my own sin and the sins of those around me, there are times when nothing I can do or say can help. It’s in these situations where I lean in to prayer, trust God with the person, and say only two words, really and wow. You can use them in enough different orders and inflections to communicate care, concern, astonishment, wonder, and other appropriate reactions. I give all the credit for that insight to my cousin Erin who shared them with me in a conversation about the challenges of raising adult children. In trying to help, I have rarely done harm by breathing through my nose and eventually, with the proper level of enthusiasm, saying really and or wow. When I do, it is well with my counsel.