Q.
A friend and I have had a conflict. I am afraid that our friendship will end because of it. How can we work this out?
A. When a conflict arises, the feelings are usually anger and hurt. Neither person may be willing to make things right. There can be a deadlock and a friendship may be destroyed. It is important to make some pre-conflict decisions that will help your relationships withstand difficulties.
Ephesians 4:26 tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger. Second Corinthians 5:18 tells us to be ministers of reconciliation. How are we to do that if we won’t reconcile with a friend?
Even though we know these truths, human beings are not perfect. We forget God’s Word, or decide not to heed it. Matthew 5:23-24 commands us to be reconciled to a brother before we can give a gift at the altar. According to God, mending a break in a friendship is serious business.
Years ago, I was offended by a friend. We made a few efforts to resolve our differences, but our resolutions did not hold up long. She would call me for lunch, but I delayed accepting her invitations. I told myself that I was “just not ready.” However, God’s Word says, “Do not merely listen to the word…do what it says” (Jas. 1:22). Finally, one day I realized that, under God, I must open up and step up. I called her and we worked it all out. In fact, our friendship is better than ever. I regretted that I let myself drift, not only personally, but also Scripturally.
A few years later, another friend and I had a misunderstanding. The same cycle of avoidance began. This time I asked forgiveness and was ready to forgive and move forward, but she would not respond. I believe that she let herself get caught in the same trap that I had…she let fear get the best of her, causing her heart to be blocked.
Having been on both sides, I would like to offer several suggestions that may help you and your friend resolve your differences and heal your friendship.
1. When someone offends you, it’s okay to feel whatever emotion you need to feel.
Just don’t let the emotional flow cause you to sin and find a cut-off point for every bad feeling. Enough anger is enough. Enough hurt is enough. Enough fear is enough. However, there is never too much love. None of us can afford to resist it when love is sincerely offered.
2. When someone hurts us, self-protection can become more important than anything else, even obeying God.
We may even decide to hate in order to protect our hearts. It may not be our intention to be hard-hearted or cruel, but when we refuse to forgive and work toward resolution, we can’t resolve conflict. Many marriages, as well as friendships, have ended because of the fear of future hurt, which is the greatest deterrent to renewal. Self-protection can hold many a heart hostage for life. It is a selfish position.
3. If we are going to have enduring friendships, we must fully accept the fact that nobody is perfect.
I would rather have love from an imperfect person than not have the love at all. Love is always worth the risk. You may have to work hard on a relationship, but with God, the possibilities and blessings are endless.
4. The desire to be right can stick us.
Ask yourself, “Would I rather be right or love and be loved?” Your choice will not only affect the relationship that has been damaged, but the effects of your decision will spill over into every relationship that you have, for good or for harm.
5. If you have a friend who refuses to be open, it may be that she’s giving into the temptation to punish you.
If your conscience is clear before God and you have made the effort, you are under no obligation to receive the punishment. All friendships that have been broken may not be fixed because not every person involved will choose to make the effort. This is a reality you may have to face.
SIDE QUESTIONS
Ask Yourself:
- Am I wrong and do I need to own my mistake?
- Is there a lesson to be learned?
- Do I know the Scriptural teaching regarding the current issue?
- If the other person will not resolve the conflict, will I try more than once?
I pray that you and your friend will be willing to settle the conflicts and mend your friendship. Your concern indicates that you are willing and ready. Do all that our Father leads you to do. If there is not a mending, go forth with your new wisdom and your hand outstretched.
~ By Lynda Elliott
