What if after twenty-five years of marriage your husband told you he didn't love you anymore? What would you say? How would you feel when you later discovered he was having an affair with another woman? And what if that "other woman" turned out to be a close firend? What then?
This, in part, is Beth Wagner's* story. Hers is a story of incredible marital heartache, courage, and faith. Beth is not alone. We have all heard tempestuous tales of marriages dashed on the rocks of infidelity. In some measure, such stories fascinate, grieve, and scare us.
But it is the balance of Beth's testimony - the saga of healing - that sets it apart. For it is not only a tale of sorrow, but a testimony of blessing and counsel as well. Here is Beth and her husband, Stephen's* story.
A BROKEN VOW
JBU: What is your story? How did this all happen?
BETH: On the surface, anyone would think we had been happily married for sixteen years - I thought so. Stephen was the pastor of a lart, growing church, and I loved being a pastor's wife. Between family and ministry involvements, we were busy and seemingly content.
Then Stephen's father died. Concern for his mother's needs addd to an already heavy workload, precipitating what we now view as a "mid-life crisis." It was at that time that a friendship with a younger couple (Rick and Barbara) from our church began mutating into an affair.
Barbara was attracted to Stephen at a time when both were especially vulnerable. What began innocently enough soon became their methodical plan to be together. For example, Barbara became part of the church staff. This allowed her to be at church at times when only Stephen was there. Barbara also nurtured our friendship. She bought me gifts; we did things together. The four of us even discussed mutual business plans over dinners out. When I felt led to begin working to help with our children's college tuition, Barbara offered to help with my housekeeping. She said it would free me up for more time after work.
Of course, there were little things that didn't seem quite right. Rick (Barbara's husband) once shared a suspicious story with me, but I dismissed it, choosing to believe Barbara's explanation instead. Three years later Stephen told me he didn't love me. It was a fact I couldn't face and still go on living as a happy wife: the two were incongruent. Instead, I somehow blotted his words from my consciousness. If anything, I blamed myself for Stephen's unhappiness. It never crossed my mind that he might be involved with another woman.
Finally, after many years, I caught Stephen and Barbara in a bold lie that opened my eyes to what was going on. Rick and I confronted Stephen and Barbara, and Stephen resigned as pastor.
Like many wives in this situation, I expected Stephen to now forsake Barbara. That didn't happen. Instead, Stephen left to stay with a friend and filed for divorce.
However, affairs are often based on illusion - the illusion of intimacy apart from the pressures of everyday life. When Barbara and Stephen were faced with the pressures of daily life together (Stephen's unemployment, the emotional turmoil of leaving families, friends, church, etc.) their illusion of intimacy crumbled. After a few months, Barbara went to live with her children, and Stephen returned to ask my forgiveness.
Reconciliation wasn't easy, and it didn't happen overnight. We started by returning to a courtship/dating period: we also sought counseling. Eventually we spent three weeks at Link Care (a treat and counseling center for couples dealing with serious emotional crises). Counseling there helped us to begin learning the communication skills we were lacking, to acknowledge and deal with the pain of infidelity, and to face contributing personal issues.
That was the beginning. It has been six years since the day I was forced to acknowledge Stephen's affair. Now it seems like six centuries and six continents away. While Stephen is no longer in ministry professionally, God has enabled us to build a growing business together. We also share a lay ministry among the seniors in our local church. Recently Stephen fulfilled a longtime promise by taking me to Venice.
JBU: Beth, people typically think of affairs as happening to younger couples. In addition, most women think "an affair would never happen to me!" How would you respond to these ideas?
BETH: Ha! That's exactly what I thought. Let's be honest. We are all vulnerable. This can happen to anyone at any stage in life.
JBU: So often the other woman in affairs is a friend of the wife. Why do you think that is so, and what are some precautions you and Stephen have taken to nurture friendships within healthy boundaries?
BETH: I think the "other woman" is often a friend, because the context of friendship allows intimacy to develop. We haven't run into this problem in other friendships. Since we've worked at rebuilding our marriage, friendships with other couples haven't posed a threat. I suppose if some type of flirtation began, we would talk about it, and, depending on the situation, decide what to do from there.
JBU: Beth, it was years before you realized your husband was having an affair. Looking back, what were some warning signs that might have tipped you off?
BETH: First, look for changes in the area of the 3 T's: talk, time together, and touch. Are you talking less or spending less time together? Both things are increasingly true for Stephen and me. Another change was that I found myself starving for affection like never before, even while our sex life was continuing.
Second, take note of changes in behavior. Stephen was gone for long periods that didn't seem to make sense. He also became very critical of me.
Third, don't discount those hints that something is wrong (things you've heard, or that don't seem right). Don't be afraid to do a little investigating and face the truth. God is right there at your side.
Fourth, don't allow pornography into your marriage. Many people think this will add zest to their marital sex life. It doesn't, and you only do your marriage harm by encouraging the non-realistic fantasies that pornography depicts.
JBU: The Bible permits divorce should a spouse be unfaithful. What would your counsel be to another woman who discovered her husband was involved in an affair? Would you advocate divorce?
BETH: Every case is different. Rick divorced Barbara. We decided to work at rebuilding our marriage. Regardless of our decision, we need to remember that we are all sinners. What's more, we are told to forgive others, as God has forgiven us. Naturally, I first would counsel repentance and a turning back to the goal of making the marriage work. Women who enable their philandering husbands by looking the other way and pretending it isn't happening are not in God's will. It would be better to trust God with their singleness in cases like that.
JBU: Stephen, what are some steps you've taken - commitments you've made - to demonstrate your repentance and rebuild trust in your relationship with Beth?
STEPHEN: Although it took a while, I started with honesty. I confessed my sin openly before my wife and the church. The next step was to agree to marriage counseling. Finally, I began to see and treat Beth in a new wya. I began emphasizing her strengths, not her failures. (Before I had often mentally criticized Beth's shortcomings, ignoring the positive things she brought to our relationship.) I also began giving the necessary time and energy to our relationship. I work at meeting her needs. These changes, and the support of a group of men whom I've made myself accountable, have helped turn our marriage around.
JBU: Why have you chose to share your story?
BETH: I am willing to share our story to encourage other couples that no matter what disaster, God is faithful There is hope and a future in Him. He is able to get you through to the other side, to a better place than you were before.
STEPHEN: We both feel that this subject needs to be addressed. Sexual temptation and infidelity are not just problems in the world at large. We are all tempted sexually - sometimes we fall. Hopefully, sharing our story will strengthen other marriages before infidelity strikes and offer hope for those who have "already" fallen.
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Can you survive infidelity? If you are willing to give God the reins of your life, your heartaches, and expectations, the answer is always a resounding "Yes!" However, Stephen and Beth both emphasized how important counseling and accountability are in the healing process. If you are a couple struggling with marital problems, seek objective, trained counseling early - before a crisis occurs.
Corrie Ten Boom once wrote: "No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still" (The Hiding Place). Corrie also wrote about prison camps, but God's faithfulness, enabling, and grace have been Stephen and Beth's experience as well. No matter what happens, God is there for you. Gold can come forth from ashes.