The one thing I dreamt most about was becoming a mom—and a mom of a lot of children. And yet…no children. Twelve years of marriage with no babies—I cried and prayed and felt as though God had—“rejected me for the job of motherhood.” Having tried drug treatment and minor surgeries, I was eventually given the diagnosis of severe endometriosis. Feeling lost and without a God-given purpose, I decided I might just as well move on, so I studied for a master’s degree in social work. I also found ministry work I could do at church.
Finally in December 1986, as I was graduating with my M.S.W. degree, I was nine months pregnant with my daughter Eva. My heart, spirit, and mind were full of love and joy and thankfulness. Two years later, Christopher was born. And that was it. I was unable to have any more children.
As soon as our kids could crawl, they joined me in bed for our slow, snuggling wake-up time. But nighttime was my husband Mel’s turn. With one child on either side, Mel spun stories as they lay so still, transformed into scenes of new worlds, battles, rescues, traveling to the stars, wild horses, rabbits, and kittens.
As I reflect over my parenting years, here is some advice I would share:
Love your children and tell them so every day.
I say to my children, “I love you, and I will always love you, and there is nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you.” As adults my kids have told us how much they appreciated being loved for who they were—not for their accomplishments—and not being forced to try and live up to the image we wanted them to be. We wanted our children to always know they were loved and safe. That allowed them great freedom to explore the world and God’s purposes for their lives. They became uniquely God-gifted, self-aware, and challenged. We cheered them on, but they also sometimes disagreed with us. Our kids were not perfect; they got sassy, misbehaved, and were selfish at times. It was a challenge just to be patient and let go.
Create an environment for open discussions.
Discussions about difficult questions were important. That did not worry Mel or me. Kids gain from the beliefs of parents in short amounts of time—beliefs about God, the Bible, but also the nature of the world. We were delighted whenever we saw them understanding it and when they showed empathy, kindness, or growth in character. They also watched us and, as young adults, told us we were the best of parents. Wow, what an honor! Especially, because I knew all the mistakes I had made.
We were a bit of a loud family, with everyone having their own opinion. On camping trips, I feared our excitement and laughter were sometimes a little too exuberant for other campers., like the time, raccoons had an all-night party in our car, tearing open and eating every food container we had. They even unwrapped and ate all the hard candy from a bag. The following morning brought a shock, then howling laughter. Our laughter was mostly about Dad. He had lectured us on the importance of locking up everything or tying it down so the nighttime creatures wouldn’t get into it, but had left the front car window open where we could see fur and paw prints, and the mayhem left in the back of our car.
The freedom to think for themselves grew into deep faith. Prayers at meals, prayers at bedtime, prayers for the burial of a dead baby bird. We all took turns. Prayers for someone hurting, prayers for their needs. Prayers are like breathing. No need to be a show off. And sometimes praying was difficult.
Have fun with your kids.
I wrote a book called The Day Momma Played. It was about joy, laughter, and lessons learned. I’ve kept my child heart—a kid inside looking for fun. That is what makes playing so easy. Children gave me an excuse to have all manner of pets: dogs, hamsters, birds, cats (three at a time), fish, turtles, and chickens in our tiny backyard. (Mel built a child’s play house for their coop.)
Hide-and-Seek was a favorite at night in our house. We’d turn off all the lights and give the kids each a flashlight. Mel would fill a squirt gun with water. Sooner or later they would come close to Mel, and he would give them a shot of water from behind a shower curtain or through the opening between a door and the wall. The screams and giggles were wild. They could not tell where the water had come from. When they finally did find Dad, they hung on him like little monkeys, happy to have him back.
Develop a love for nature.
I was mostly the outdoor adventurous one. Building forts and learning how to skip stones was a favorite past-time. We went to Sister Bay, Wis., as often as we could. Two grandmas lived there. We stayed in the house I grew up in, that my father grew up in, that my grandpa grew up in, that my great grandpa had built.
I showed the kids every hidden beach and taught them the names of all the birds and wildflowers, even teaching them to not fear bugs and worms. If they were going to catch fish on their line they needed to hook up the worms.
Hunting for tiny caterpillars on milkweed plants was amazing. We fed them in a jar and watched them grow. Then one day we watched as they attached themselves to the top, and as I can best describe it, pulled up their skin like a sleeping bag over their heads. Then they would rest. One day the skin was translucent and you could see butterfly wings inside. We took the jar outside and watched as they crawled out of their death shroud. Soon they dried off and slowly flew away. It was a resurrection experience with great joy! We felt like we witnessed a miracle. Thank you, Jesus, for showing yourself in nature in so many ways while we played.
Help them see the world.
Mel felt a calling to travel to third-world countries, particularly to teach pastors and leaders how to understand the Bible. Whenever possible, he would take one of the kids along with him. It taught them a world of information. Chris, typically a germophobe, walked along paths of human waste, in the largest slum in Africa, reaching out his hand to children and the sick.
Hold them tight.
When Chris was 18, one week from graduating high school, he went out with buddies for lunch. He was a passenger in the back seat of the car. An 18-wheeler carrying bulldozers with a novice driver was speeding and crashed into the car Chris was riding in, causing his brain to bounce around in his skull, and then throwing him out of the car onto the asphalt. He was flown by helicopter to the nearest trauma center, unconscious. There they X-rayed every bone but, for three months, missed the injury to his spinal cord. A lesion in his neck nearly severed his spinal cord. I thank God for saving him! However, he was left with chronic pain and traumatic brain injury (similar to ones soldiers get in war). That was 10 years ago. Recovery has been so slow—but steady.
On June 2, 2017, after five years of suffering with an autoimmune disease, that left her homebound, Eva died in my arms. We never anticipated that she would die from this disorder. We had taken her to every kind of doctor in the area, but there was no treatment, no cure.
It has been a true test of our faith. Mel has not wavered in his belief, as we have struggled to try and understand why grief and trauma have hit our family. God does give strength and faith when you need it in the darkest despair. But, we miss her every day, almost every hour, close to a year now since her death.
This has meant a lot of grief work and many tears. When my eyes do not cry, my body cries with different pains and ailments. When Mel preaches and teaches, it’s from a life tested by trials and joys. He also writes honestly on Facebook about what this painful year has been like, hoping to help others. My heart aches for him.
When I think of Eva, I feel this huge hole in my heart, a hole I can never fill this side of heaven. I cannot talk about Eva without Mel welling up with tears. Our dear, sweet Eva. Heaven now seems closer for us. I held her as a newborn, and I held her when she died—she felt loved.
So if I could encourage one thing this Mother’s Day, it’s this: Love your kids, no matter how difficult, no matter how out of control at times, even when they sin or need tough love. Do not miss an opportunity to tell them you love them, no matter how hard they test you, no matter how inconvenient. Hug them, kiss them, and pray for them. You never know how long you have them for or how far away they may live someday.
