For years I had enjoyed Mary’s friendship. We had fun laughing and being kind of crazy together. I could count on her for an understanding empathy and a challenging discussion. We could get into a conflict and disagree without fear of lasting negative consequences. Our small children jumped at any excuse to get together. But right now I dreaded going to see her. My stomach was sick. Excuses of other important things to do flew through my mind. Yet a deeper value, a commitment of my heart and mind, made me go. She was my friend and I loved her and that was that!
At this point she had maybe a month or two left to live. She was dying before my eyes as cancer ravaged her body. She was 32-years-old. Her vitality, authenticity and exuberance flickered like a lamp running out of oil. It hurt so much to see her, but because of my empathy for her I had to remind myself that it was not I who was dying and leaving my children. God had not asked that of me (at least not yet), but He had asked me to love Mary at all times even though I wanted nothing more than to go into denial and run.
I remember shortly before she died being at a young couple’s retreat together, where I, like all good ministry wives, was speaking. At one point I had to run to my own room in order to collapse in uncontrolled sobbing, repeating over and over to God, “But she’s my friend.” The shame I felt for not being able to help ease her pain was incapacitating. How could I go and lead a seminar? Months later, after her death, I faced a similar question: how can I stand up at her funeral and give a testimony of her life? Somehow I took comfort in C.S. Lewis’ words that “if you give your heart to anything, even a pet, in this world you will be hurt, because the only place you can go not to be hurt by love is hell, because in hell there is no love.”
I framed a Favia card in my office that says, “Some people come into your life and quickly go, others come in and leave footprints and you are never ever the same.” My life has changed because of my friendship with Mary. I believe I will be braver and more courageous about facing my own death due to her model. I see the value of the depth of love and richness in life that comes from being honest with and fully experiencing all of our emotions. Of letting others in close enough to see them and therefore feeling connected with these friends and not so alone. Even during the darkest weeks, Mary had a way of expressing love, gratitude or encouragement to me. She was able to give and receive love - this is what friendship is all about. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times.”
I heard a talk about burnout in ministry in which the speaker said that ministry people tend to have an abundance of drainers and neutrals in their lives. Neutrals are people who we rub shoulders with regularly but neither take from nor give to us. The speaker went on to say, “We need to make sure we also have friends in our lives who are replenishers.” Replenishers are mutuals, allies in battle. We can be real with them and relaxed. The laughter, the stimulating discussions, the empathetic understanding, leaves us feeling somehow fuller than we were.
We all need a variety of replenishing friends in our lives in order to have the energy, compassion and endurance to have a bucket that never runs dry as we pour our lives out to others for Christ’s sake. As a therapist, I remind my clients (and also myself, which is often the way it goes in counseling!) that they need support from a number of people in order to cope and keep running the race. Putting all your eggs in one basket, so to speak, is dangerous. One person can’t always be there and our needs and interests are so numerous that spreading them out over a support network is very helpful. While I believe our spouse should be our closest confidante and best friend⎯a bond that no one else enters into⎯we need other friends, especially of the same sex.
There are times when my husband and I are both so burdened down - as we were with Mary’s illness and death - that we didn’t have much left for each other, so we needed to lean on others. Or there are times when your husband just doesn’t understand - be it PMS or your passion for gardening - that another female friend can really connect with.
Since there are many facets of your life, it is helpful to find a variety of friends. Some times you connect on just one facet - on ministry issues for example - as with another ministry wife, while another friend crosses three or four issues, perhaps: emotional connectedness, common hobbies or mothering issues. It really is okay to have friends in different orbits of closeness like the planets to the sun. It is nice to have a best friend or closest friend - but they aren’t always easy to find. And even if we do have a special friend, we need others to keep us from expecting too much from that one person. I am saddened to hear my clients minimize or denigrate as unimportant the friends they have who cross only one or two facets of their lives. Too often they are looking for the perfect parent in a friend to meet all their needs instead of appreciating and enjoying the support, mutuality, and interest of the different people in different orbits in their lives.
The same weekend Mary died, I received the news of a close friend’s deception to me concerning long-term immorality. I was devastated to say the least. It could have been a time to pull in, shut down, or stop trusting. Fortunately for me as a professional counselor, I’ve seen enough people choose that route only to die inside⎯growing cold to God and despairing - “the only place you can go to not be hurt by love is hell, because in hell there is no love.” At that time, I found friendships in people who had been there all along but somehow the bridge had never been crossed before. I found deeper friendship in the common hurt, but mutual support we fellow mourners shared. Jesus also valued His friends and didn’t deem it necessary to “go it alone with God the Father.”
I gladly cherish the gifts God has given to me in mutual friends, and pray that I will be a good “replenishing” friend to others, even the drainers in my life. Karl Menniger, a famous psychologist, said, “love cures ⎯ it cures those who give it and it cures those who receive it.” If God in fact is love, I pray that His love will radiate to and through me in all of my relationships.
