Friends. We all want them (even if we don’t want to admit it) and most of us have quite a few of them. In fact, you may even be able to count them in the triple digits depending on your ever-growing Facebook profile. However, if you really took inventory of the quality versus quantity, how many of these friendships (Facebook or otherwise) could you describe as actually flourishing?
If we are honest, the answer may be only a few or even none at all. Why? Because fostering flourishing friendships appears to be a lost art in today’s society. One of the biggest concerns is the busyness epidemic sweeping our culture—we are all so busy that we don’t make or take time for one another. When time is lacking, we are not able to properly invest, build, and really grow the friendships around us.
To reach out with the limited time we do have, many of us have started to use social networking as a substitute, but let’s face it, it’s just not the same. While Facebook and texting can be fun, they also create a false sense of connectedness because we can feel as if we are a viable part of a friend’s everyday experience without really getting any deeper than the few, purposefully chosen glimpses into her day. And deep down, we all know that things on Facebook are often not what they seem, just like the response to a “How’s life?” text may not get to the depth of the true feelings (which you would know if you could see her face as she types). Trading real-life interactions for these text-based exchanges again and again can ultimately result in a flat and stagnant friendship, where we do not share our true selves, our struggles, and our victories, and the authentic stuff that really makes a friendship grow.
Flat, stagnant friendships are never what God intended. Our Creator loves healthy, vibrant, flourishing things, and our friendships are no different. He noted from the very beginning that it “is not good for man to be alone” and that “two are better than one” because our friendships can breathe strength, life, and renewal into our lives.
Here are four simple ideas to try to ensure that your friendships are healthy and flourishing:
1. Make real life time for real life friends.
We all have people in our lives that we enjoy keeping in touch with, but don’t need to see or talk to regularly. So, we keep in touch through an occasional email or Facebook comment. But not all of our friends should be relegated to the technology pile. Our real life friends should not become just social media friends. We have to be cautious not to replace those friends with people we meet on social media. Yes, our social media peeps can become real friends to us (and I’ve met many in person that I met online), and yes we can use social media to encourage our friends that are far away or in need of a simple emotion, but we also need those friends who can come to cheer us up in person after surgery or hug us when we’re sad. We need people we can look in the eyes and hear from their hearts. We need friends to serve us and friends that we can serve. Yes, we need real life friends, and we need to make time for them in a real-life, face-to-face context.
2. Be honest and authentic when you are enjoying your real time with your real friends.
We all have acquaintances that might not get to see the “real” us due to a specific setting or leadership role or just not knowing whether they can be trusted. This should not be a façade or fake version of who we are, but might only be a glimpse of one aspect of ourselves due to the nature of the relationship. This is healthy and natural as we practice good boundaries with people we do not truly know.
However, if you have identified someone as a true friend, then there should be an ability to be your true self in their presence. This is what the intimacy of friendship is really about and creates the firm foundations upon which our friendships can grow. For some of us, this means literally letting her see us with no makeup, house unkempt, and still in our sweats in order to have a good cup of coffee and significant conversations. It also can mean being honest about our shortcomings, our struggles, and humbling ourselves to ask for help, prayer, and allow our friends to come alongside us in a time of need.
3. When being authentic in your relationship creates conflict, resolve disagreements face-to-face or voice-to-voice.
If you are truly being you in your friendships, then it is not an if, but a when in terms of dealing with conflict. It is hard to be completely transparent with one another and experience complete agreement all of the time. Unfortunately, in this lovely age of technology, it is often tempting as well as convenient to try to deal with conflict through text messaging, email, or Facebook.
While it can occasionally be appropriate to write out your words after careful consideration and send in an email or old fashioned letter, it is rarely a good idea to attempt to resolve conflict via text. These short bursts of messages that are more like quick banter do not leave space for hearing inflections or seeing non-verbals. You can’t pick up on any cues, and this can lead to further miscommunication, misunderstanding, and even further conflict.
So, instead of trying to hash things out through texts, take the time to sit down with a friend, Skype her, or at least spend some time on the phone. Don’t fall into the temptation to ghost your friends…disappearing because there is conflict and it is uncomfortable to face it. Even if the outcome is not what you desire, you can learn a lot through the conflict. If you care about your friendships, you will seek to resolve disagreements face-to-face or voice-to-voice where communication is at its best.
4. Be intentional about cultivating flourishing friendships.
Stumbling across a life-giving friendship rarely happens. Friendships don’t grow by accident. So be intentional. Choose one or several of your current friendships to make a priority and try the following:
- Connect in a real way once a month (this means a phone call, video conference, or in-person meeting). Try without kids if possible to minimize distractions and maximize the one-on-one time.
- Make sure you know the bare basics of importance: birthday, anniversary, favorite color, and current prayer requests.
- Use technology to your advantage and set reminders if you have to. This is not cheating, but using your resources wisely.
- Pray for and with one another regularly.
- Remember to have fun too. It’s okay if some of your interactions are not “deep” as long as you are enjoying each other’s company.
Although each friendship is unique and develops in its own way, when we make the time to be face-to-face, to truly see and be seen, hear and be heard, resolve conflicts together, and be intentional about doing the things that cultivate these relationships, we revive a lost art that renews both our friendships and our souls. We will find that not only do we just have friends, but we have healthy, vibrant, flourishing friendships.
~ By Dr. Sara LaRose Wood. Dr. Wood is a Licensed Professional counselor, research consultant, and supervisor in the commonwealth of Virginia. She has her PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from Regent University as well as an MA in Counseling and a BS in Psychology, and currently maintains her own private practice.
