Arlene Pellicane exudes joy. She has an infectious smile, a warm embrace, and a cheerful voice with a laugh just beneath the surface. When you write a book called, 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife, and your husband comes on the Today show with you to promote it, you know Arlene lives what she talks. When asked if she was happy, Arlene responded with a resounding yes and so did her husband, James, when asked the same question. How refreshing in these times when marriage rates are falling and divorce rates are rising! Arlene loves being married, believes it brings out her best self, and wants to empower other women to experience the same because, in her words, “happiness begins with me.” She is quick to point out that there is no ceiling on joy and happiness in every area of life, and sets out as both an author and speaker to help women find it, especially in marriage. Happy, in her words, is not a feeling or a selfish goal but a by-product of how you live.
Arlene and James are committed believers which informs her every aspect of writing and speaking. In the introduction to her book she quotes A. W. Tozer, the classic Christian author, who says, “The Christian owes it to the world to be supernaturally joyful.” Arlene sees this as a different spin on the popular thought, “the world owes it to me to make me happy.” She believes many people view happiness as something they are entitled to receive instead of something they are obligated to give. “When you believe in God, you have a direct connection to joy that can be given to others. Happiness is not an external job. It’s an internal one that has a lot to do with the way you think.” In 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife, she sets out to change the way you think and supercharge your faith. In this case, happy is really H.A.P.P.Y. and stands for:
H — Hopeful
A — Adaptable
P — Positive
P — Purposeful
Y — Yielded.
“All of these things are available to every woman, no matter the state of her marriage,” says Arlene.
JBU had the chance to interview Arlene about how she became the happy wife she is and the path God has used to bring her to this place where she can share this joy with others.
Arlene Pellicane
JBU:
Tell us about your family and how you came to a personal faith in Christ?
Arlene: I was born in New York. My mom was pregnant with me when she immigrated to the United States with my dad from Indonesia. He was going to do his residency to be a doctor in the U.S. My parents didn’t speak very much English when they arrived. My mom learned English from watching Sesame Street, and my husband says that where she got her accent! I am an only child. I was raised in a religious church, but we didn’t study the Bible until my mom heard about a Bible study she thought was for kids. We went but the kids played while the adults studied the Bible. She was a very devout woman who always wanted to please God and was impressed that these women knew the Bible for themselves. As a result we started attending a large evangelical church in Sacramento which I liked much better. I am told I told my parents, “I can feel God there.” That is where my parents become Christians when I was in fifth grade. I attended Christian school in both junior high and high school.
JBU:
How did you end up in ministry?
Arlene: I always liked public speaking but wondered if, at 16, I would even know what to do with that. A speaker came to our school chapel and prayed over me and said, “God is preparing a man of God for your life and I will send you to be a woman to the nations.” That really resonated with me but I thought if you said yes to God that meant you were going to be a missionary. I looked at the different jobs on the mission field at the time, like nursing or teaching, someone said if you wouldn’t do it in the U.S. why are you going outside of your country to do it? I thought that was a good question. I had earned a degree in intercultural studies at Biola University and worked in the admissions office for four years with international students which made sense in the context of being a woman to the nations, but I still wanted to speak so I went on to Regent University and got an MA in journalism. I met my husband James during graduate school. After interning at a local ABC news affiliate, I knew local news was not up my alley, but I did love interviewing people for feature stories and was thrilled to have my first job out of grad school at the 700 club as a feature’s producer. Marriage to James and moving back to California led me to teaching communications at San Diego Christian College. During that year, I had a chance to interview Dr. David Jeremiah about his bout with cancer. After interviewing him, he interviewed me about my television experience and soon after I was working as the Associate Producer of Turning Point Television. It was an exciting time, doing ministry with an amazing team. I wrote for Turning Point Magazine and Devotional as well as copy that went on the radio. That experience certainly helped me in future book writing.
JBU:
Was James the man of God you had been waiting for?
Arlene: I met someone in college; I thought for sure I was going to marry him. He wanted to be a pastor and I was convinced he was the man of God I had been told about. After a year of dating, he looked across the park bench and said, “I just don’t think I’m supposed to marry you,” and I was heartbroken. I cried many tears, but also knew God had prepared me for this. One night, before the breakup, I just started weeping and God said to me, “Are you ready to lay your “Isaac” down for me? A few days later the relationship ended. I met James in graduate school. We met at a public speaking club called Toastmaster’s. There, we served together in a nursing home. One day James was sharing and I was like, “the residents are in their wheelchairs falling asleep and I’m falling in love!” I was just crazy about this man. We were friends for a very long time before we decided to see if there was something more. Fifteen years and three children later, there is!
JBU:
How did you make the transition to full-time mom/writer/speaker?
Arlene: James and I were married at 27 and waited a few years to try for children. We had no idea it would be such a waiting game that involved infertility treatments before our son Ethan was born in 2004. We had decided together that I would be a stay-at-home mom. Ethan is 10 and our daughters are four and seven. I love being with my children, but had long held that dream to continue my love for public speaking and use the skills I had gained in my academic life as a writer.
At a personal growth conference I attend with my husband every year I wrote a BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal) that I would return the following year with a manuscript written. It was an ambitious goal for a new mom, but one that would keep my passions fueled. I decided to write about my current experience as a pregnant/new mom in her 30’s, “Losing Weight After Baby; 31 Days to a New You.” A turning point came when a mentor of mine agreed to take my manuscript to her publisher. It is unheard of for an unknown author to be considered by a publishing house without a literary agent, but that is what God did for me. I have continued to write about my current experiences which lead to 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife and, most recently, Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World, with Dr. Gary Chapman.
Yes, the Dr. Gary Chapman of the 5 Love Languages! What a thrilling journey that has been to write together with him on a crucial topic in today’s family.
JBU:
How do you keep your marriage a priority?
Arlene: James and I have been taught, “When your values are clear, the decisions are easy.” This has been a great help to me. Of all the people in the world, the most important person is my husband James. When my kids are grown and gone, it will be James still by my side. Till death do us part! If he is the most important person, then of course I want to tend to our relationship. To have quality time together and communicate daily that he matters. How does this look? Filling up his water glass when I see it’s empty at his desk. Making sure that our schedule isn’t so full that there’s no time (or energy) for physical intimacy. When he asks me for help, not to grunt and groan because I have so much already to do, but instead to say, “I would be happy to help you and to let my attitude show that.”
JBU:
That all sounds great, but what would you say to a woman in a struggling marriage?
If your marriage is struggling, you can take some time to evaluate what is happening. You can journal about the struggles you are going through and then pray through those struggles. It’s easy to focus on what is wrong in your marriage instead of what is right. Begin to praise God in prayer or song, focusing on God’s attributes and His ability to help your marriage. Start with putting your hope in God and believing that a miracle can be done in your marriage, no matter how big or small your need is.
Then you can keep a list of things you like about your husband. Do this for a week. Be as specific as you can. At the end of the week, you can share this list with your spouse. Get in a new habit of looking for the good, and you will find more and more of it coming to the surface.
JBU:
How do you keep your full plate from spilling over?
Arlene: I have learned to say no to good things so that I can stay focused on my priorities and not burn out or cheat my family out of spending time with me. After all, I am first and foremost a wife and stay-home mom! My husband has really helped me with this. He is rather bullish on me saying no to anything that doesn’t have anything to do with our family or writing or speaking.
JBU:
Tell us briefly about your new book Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen Driven World.
Arlene: Technology has become center stage in many American homes. Kids are connecting with screens more that they are with family members. This is a huge concern – whether you’re looking at a family staring at smart phones and tablets while dining at a restaurant or you’re trying to interact with a child who won’t look up from a video game. Childhood is when a boy or girl’s heart is like wet cement-kids are open to our teaching, love, and guidance. We don’t want to miss this important window because we are too busy with our technology, or because we are entertaining our children, not training them.
JBU:
You’ve talked about how your faith has helped you and James work through issues in your marriage, how can faith help a family to place relationships above gadgets?
Arlene: If you are going to work to have more face time with your family and less screen time, you need to begin with the question, “Why?” Why is it important to you? If you are a person of faith, you will be motivated by a deep desire for your children to follow in the faith. You will most likely want to read the Bible together, pray and attend church. Those activities put people and relationships above gadgets. My faith in God gives me a call to parent – to train my children to obey God and to live by the Golden Rule. Those goals are very relational; there is not really an app out there that can teach my child to love others as he loves himself.
I write books about becoming a happy family because I believe that many families are struggling when they could be much happier together. When a child grows up in a family where Christ is at the center, where Mom and Dad love each other, and where time together is a priority, it makes a huge difference in the kind of life that child will live. The negative baggage can be left behind because it was never packed in the first place. As Christians, we can live with joy and love one another. When we model that in our families, it can shine as a bright light in the world. That they may see our good works and glorify our God in heaven.