I work as a volunteer in drug abuse awareness, using shock and awe statistics to wake people up to the fact that we have a drug crisis in our American suburbs. The headline happened to us: “Christian family tries to do all the right things and son descends into drug use.” I still cry when I share how I first heard our son say to a room full of people, “My name is Ted, and I’m an alcoholic and a drug addict.” Wait, what?
I could document my story as the confused and scared mom whose son for ten years descended into the nightmare of drug addiction, but I know you’ve heard plenty of them. The news chronicles shocked parents who never dreamed their bright and beautiful child would ingest prescription pills for sport, and are shocked to find he or she can’t live without them or even dies from them. Some of those heartbroken parents are still watching the downward spiral, some lost their children, and some have seen their child find recovery. I am the latter. Imagine how grateful we are if you can.
I recently told a neighbor, who asked how I spend my time, that I advocate for parents whose kids are struggling with substance abuse. He said, “You know what I do about that?” “No, what?” I said. He sharply extended his left arm, grabbed his bicep firmly with his right hand, and aggressively pulled his forearm toward him. “That’s what I would do.” His teenage grandson looked on. I wondered what he thought.
I’m not upset at individuals like that. This neighbor is a dear man, and frankly, it’s good for me to see the way many people still view people who abuse alcohol and other drugs. I don’t get mad, but I would like a conversation.
While visiting a friend’s elderly mother at a physical rehab facility, I recently had an opportunity with a gentleman sharing the lunch table. He was disgusted by these “idiots” who do heroin and had some ideas what those “crackheads” could do.
I get it. Our “nice kids” who do drugs don’t do nice things on drugs. Bad behavior goes with the territory to be sure and bad behavior reaps consequences. No dispute there, not from me, not from our son. Amends need to be made and in our family, they have been. In my Christian world that would be confessing our sins to one another and making it right with someone who has something against you before you worship at the altar. In 12-step programs it’s called Step Nine.
That gentleman’s words might have been mine at one time. Today, I’m able to explain our experience and tell him what our crackhead son is doing now with the high honors college degree he obtained in recovery: paying taxes with his good job and helping others who are ready to escape the trap of addiction. I shared with him, that treatment works and today over 23 million Americans are living in long-term recovery. He probably knows some of them, but doesn’t know he does.
My 20-year-old son’s roommate in treatment was a 45-year-old wealthy anesthesiologist and Ted sat next to a dentist in group time. My high school friend’s 28-year-old son got out of an elevator and dropped dead from alcohol and drugs in his system. He worked as an ER physician and received his M.D. from the University of Pennsylvania and his Masters in Business Administration from the Wharton School of Business. There’s no stereotype.
By the end of our lunch, I had made a new friend and so had he. He had conversed over a meal with a normal someone who loved an addict, and I could see him soften. I spoke his language: contribute to society, don’t waste tax dollars, and quit committing crimes. Understood and affirmed.
When I speak to parents at treatment centers or wherever God leads, like a recent sweet exchange with a store clerk, they are eager to know how our story ends. “How is Ted now?” they ask anxiously. Ours, nor any other story is not over until we’re over, but one day at a time our son continues to experience the gifts of sobriety. If Ted himself were speaking to you on the subject, he would introduce his talk this way, “Hi, my name is Ted and I’m a person in long-term recovery. What that means to me is that I have not had a drink or a mood-altering drug in over eight years.”
The things people do under the influence of alcohol and other drugs is high drama. No doubt, it makes for good storytelling as sad as it is. Every single person in the family suffers and they each have their own take on the pain. We are a family in recovery. Each one of us has experienced our own metamorphosis from who we were before Ted found sobriety. That’s the story we most like to tell.
Ted received 90 days of in-patient treatment and 90 days at a nearby halfway house while he enrolled in a commuter college. He had flunked out of college twice while using drugs. “Mom, come here a second,” he said to me that first sober semester when his grades were emailed to him. He sat at the computer and wheeled his desk chair to the side so I could see. A. A. A. A. Sniff.
That was a transition summer when he lived at home under a contract he drew up to which we both agreed. He worked full-time and went to 12-step meetings at night where he often picked up and dropped off others who had lost their licenses. Some were fifty years old with stringy pony tails, bad teeth, and a desire to stop drinking. Ted’s sponsor emphasized service and so he did it with humor and a growing empathy for people who had suffered much longer and deeper than he had. He transferred to Augsburg College in Minneapolis with a program for students in recovery—one of the early miracles we discovered by the grace of God.
I went to 12-step meetings of friends and families of alcoholics where I found tools for living my own life apart from the choices others may make. There I found healing from the personal effects of Ted’s addiction and that of my late father’s alcoholism. For me, entering a 12-Step program after being a Christian for 32 years was like God saying, “Okay, Sarah Honey,” as God affectionately addresses me, “I am doing healing things in Ted, now I’d like to get started on you. There are some things I’ve been trying to tell you that would be helpful worded another way.” Like the 12-steps, which I worked with my Christian sponsor.
Our other two sons could tell you what God built in them from losing their brother for a season, and the restoration that came later. My husband has implemented The Serenity Prayer into his law practice.
Our story keeps lengthening. God bumps us into people at school, work, church, and the check-out counter who are desperate to spill, “I have a son, a daughter, a sibling who is breaking my heart,” and we can hear them. We’re recovering, and they can too.
SIGNS OF DRUG USE
I co-hosted a parent workshop and asked Ted to send me information on where and how teens hide drugs. He sent me a three-page email answering that question. ”Mom, remember to tell parents,” he wrote, “kids can Google anything to get ideas, but parents can Google those same things and get the same information their kids are getting.”
Here are some signs that your child might be using drugs:
- If your child is hanging out with kids who are using drugs, chances are your child is too.
- Money and/or possessions mysteriously missing. Count it. You’re not going crazy.
- Withdrawal from family activities or early departure. Going out every night, including holidays.
- Lying.
- Increasing silence, sullenness, and secrecy. Not bringing friends over to hang out at your house.
- Kids on sport’s teams are at the greatest risk of using drugs. Our son told us his team smoked pot together before tournaments.
- Don’t feel protected if your teen is involved at church. One mom told me, “I had suspicions my daughter was using drugs but thought, “No, she’s on the worship team for heaven’s sake.’”
- If you suspect your teen is using drugs, take immediate action. Consult drug free.org (formerly Partnership for Drug-Free Kids) for information and next steps. They also have a hotline for parent questions and help. What’s Wrong with my Kid? When Drugs or Alcohol Might Be a Problem and What to Do About It by George E. Leary, Jr. is a helpful book.
- Be careful about judging resources that are not officially Christian. God has gifted people in the field of alcohol and drug abuse just as He has gifted mechanics, physicians, or musicians. God showed Himself in all aspects of Ted’s recovery process.
- Get help yourself. Teen drug and alcohol use comes with drama, worry, and fear. I urge moms, dads, siblings, and even grandparents to take advantage of groups where others are in the same situation. It was invaluable to be in a place where someone understood what it was like to be me. We want our child to accept help, why wouldn’t we?
THINGS YOU CAN DO TO LESSEN THE CHANCE OF DRUG USE
1. Talk to your kids about alcohol and other drugs starting in sixth grade or before.
Listen to what they say. Ask questions and hear their answers without judgement. Ask if they have had pressure to take drugs, how they’ve dealt with that pressure, and how you can help. Establish a code word for them to text to have you come and get them or to call to come home. Plan a simple activity or outing so they avoid drug/drinking events. Life may become more complicated for you, but this is a season where your teen deeply needs you.
2. Establish early on that you will inspect their room, car, backpack, and phone from time to time for their health and safety.
Communicate that it’s your job as a parent to keep them safe. It’s not a matter of trust, it’s a matter of good parenting. Then do random checks with clearly established consequences for violations that you enforce. In his recovery, our son answered an audience question, “What did your parents do right and what did they do wrong?” The wrong part was our denial and holding back, “They could have discovered some things earlier if they had searched my car and more of my stuff.”
3. Don’t underestimate the power of giving your child ready-made excuses when pressured to drink or use drugs.
“I can’t. My parents drug test me.” “My parents make me blow into a breathalyzer when I get home.” Some friends of ours regularly drug test their kids. Knowing the consequences and that they’ll be enforced, makes them think twice. If they still use despite experiencing consequences, there might be a bigger problem.
4. Recognize that marijuana is not harmless.
Teens will argue that marijuana is less dangerous than alcohol. Even though there is strong evidence negating these claims, it’s not an argument worth having. Marijuana is illegal. And if you’re in a state where recreational use is legal, it’s not for minors. Even if it was, you have a zero tolerance for alcohol or drug use in your home. Period. End of discussion. One physician I know said, “Comparing the dangers of alcohol and marijuana is like asking which is more dangerous, a bomb or a grenade?”
5. Be an example.
If your world revolves around drinking, kids notice.
RELATED RESOURCES:
- Just Keep Going: Spiritual Encouragement from the Mom of a Troubled Teen by Sarah Nielsen
- Help and hope for parents of teens using drugs and alcohol: justkeepgoingparents.com
- A Long Road To Sobriety by Ted Nielsen
