Several years ago, I was sitting in my pastor’s office reviewing plans for a women’s retreat where we would present several vignettes of women in the Bible in different stages of life. Those stories would be told by women in our congregation who were in similar seasons. They would add their story to God’s bigger story. He was so encouraging about this idea, but one comment he made was particularly interesting. He said, “I’m glad you’re highlighting single women, too. Women in general don’t do well with single women. Men are much better at acknowledging their value in the body of Christ.” That comment proved very important in uncovering where I find joy—and my calling.
Not long after, our youngest daughter walked out of our lives, turning to extremely dark things, forsaking family and faith. I struggled tremendously, both with this loss and with who I was as a mother. The last thing I wanted was to get into any more “mothering” relationships. Our older children were grown and on their own, and I was glad. I wrestled with God as I pitted my all-encompassing pride and hurt against His plan to heal and to use that pain for His purposes. He won out, but not in a dramatic moment of surrender and obedience. He started bringing young, single women into my life. I did not pursue them—they pursued me. I thought, “we have a church full of women…why me?” His perfect plan was to use what I knew wasn’t perfect—the struggles in the hearts of young women—to draw them nearer to the Lord of love, grace, and mercy.
One young woman, asked if we could get together. She has become a treasured friend for seven years. What began as a discussion about her unhealthy relationship with her boyfriend has matured into a relationship between two sisters, separated by 25 years, but committed to growing in grace and “spurring one another on in love and good deeds” (Heb. 10:24).
Another relationship is with a college girl who we take to church each week. She loves getting together and talking about life, family, and her boyfriend. She says I remind her so much of her grandma (I almost gasped audibly the first time she said that), but I’ve grown to receive that as a compliment. She frequently asks me questions that allow me to speak the gospel into her life. The opportunities with young women have been abundant, and the blessings have been so sweet!
God wasn’t asking me to mother more children, He was calling me to come alongside young women with a welcoming heart, to let them know that they were a vital part of the church body, and that they had found a place where it was safe to wrestle with God, and to find love and support in the friendship of an older woman.
Churches are often centered on their largest demographic, young couples and families, not single women. The young couples love spending time together, so they don’t naturally think of involving the singles. But I find joy in time spent with the young single women. They have so much to offer, and we are growing together as we spend time in prayer, in the Word, in laughter, and in tears. I share bits of my story and they find in me a safe place to unravel their story.
I always need to remember not to run ahead of God in these relationships. I remind myself often to be a better listener and to measure my responses, so that there is less of me in them and more of our gracious, wise, and loving God. These women have approached me for a reason—and although I love people and I’m sure that resonates—it’s God who is drawing them to me, so that they can hear me testify to the truths of His promises. I care and tend not to overreact to some of the things that their parents might be shocked by.
I value the importance of family, especially in the life of a young adult, so I am in no way trying to replace that vital relationship. Yet, I empathize with their struggles, as I’ve seen them in my own children. I want them to know they are safe and that we can go to God together for everything. I want to be a good, wise, and mature friend that points them beyond themselves and their circumstances—to Him.
How was I trained for this gift? Through heartache—through fellowshipping in Christ’s suffering—and it was worth it. God has given me a heart for young women, as I prayed for years that my estranged daughter would find a godly, loving, mature woman who would be able to speak truth into her darkness and life circumstances.
I have learned that I don’t need to be mother-of-the-year or the cool middle-aged woman, but instead someone who is weak, repentant, and dependent on a strong and mighty God, and caring enough to draw others in. I have the time, I just needed to be interested, engaged, and moved by their stories.
Today, I continue in confidence in His calling for me, no longer waiting to be approached, but pursuing single women, inviting and integrating them into their place in the church, an important place where their role is valued. I also pray that I might somehow be used by God to bring singles, couples, and families more into fellowship with one another.
As many of these young, single women have been integrated into the life of the church, they have begun to reach out to others, realizing they are no longer the wallflowers of the faith, marginalized as they wait to “grow up and get married.” They are not “less than” or somehow inferior. They have a place and they have a story—a story of struggle, growth, and change. God is making it a beautiful story of His redemptive work.
The story of the single daughters of Zelophehad in Numbers 27 is one I love. God was concerned for the details of their lives, and they put their trust in Him as their deliverer and provider. They were assertive, but in godly ways, and found themselves to be heirs of His grace. They walked humbly before Him, but also walked with strength and dignity, and they found their place among His people.
I will run out of days before I run out of opportunities for the privilege of spending time with the young, single women God has brought into my life. It was for my good, and His glory that He nudged me in this direction, and I am so blessed because of it. I pray that I can encourage many more women as they grow in trust, walk nearer to Christ each day—and take their vital place in the church body, as they too use their gifts, and uncover their calling.
~ By Laurie Beyer
