When my husband took his first pastorate position, friends and coworkers cautioned him to choose friends outside of the local church, not within. I don’t know if it was naiveté, a desire to show that it could be done, or a craving for friendships that led us to ignore that advice. Living in the country and homeschooling our children limited our contact with others. Therefore, our circle of influence was the church (at least for the first few years). We didn’t purposefully seek out a closer friendship with a specific couple in the church; it just happened naturally. As we sought to spend time with people, some were friendlier and pursued a relationship with us. And, as humans, we were naturally drawn to some more than others.
The Balance
In trying to find the balance between being a loving, caring friend and desiring to have a mentor of my own, I may have crossed the “don’t-have-friends-inside-your-church-line.” I’m not sure that line is clear, nor is that line the same at each church or for each pastor/pastor’s wife.
The Passion
Because of my passion for helping women at a spiritual level, I am willing to cross that invisible line and ignore the advice to only choose friends outside the church. I want to wade through the fluff and stuff to get to the heart of the matter. In order to do that, I must be real and open first. How can I minister to a hurting woman without showing her that I have been hurt? How can I tell her how Jesus can heal her without showing her how Jesus has healed me? How can I lead her to the throne of grace and forgiveness without first showing her my need for God’s grace and forgiveness?
The Hurt
It has been said that church people can be more hurtful than the outside world. Experience tells me that is sometimes true. After years of pastoring his flock, my husband decided to ask his congregation to make some bold decisions and stretch in a direction he felt God was leading. A unanimous vote followed. Then, it happened ─ a really good friend quit communicating, but because I was going through some personal problems like a difficult adoption, and a stepson moving across country etc., I didn’t notice the disconnection at first. However, after a period of time, the separation became apparent. I tried to bridge the gap, but the more I tried, the harder it became. I knew I had played a part in allowing our closeness to diminish. I also knew, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Rom. 12:18).
The Healing
I swallowed my pride, admitted my wrongdoings, and sought forgiveness. This was my “as far as it depends on you” part. I wish this particular story had a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately, the friendship was not the same. My conclusion is that my friend, who opposed some of the changes at the church, was unable to separate church issues from our personal relationship. Even so, I was faithful to God’s calling (by going to her) and He was faithful in healing my wound. Through much prayer and contemplation, by His mercy, my previously festering wound is now healed leaving only a slight scar.
The Answer
God has since moved our family to a different church and a different town. I found myself wrestling with the same question again. Should pastors and pastors’ wives have friends within the local church? For me, the answer is yes . . . and no.
I have heard that one of the signs of true forgiveness is the willingness to be broken again. So, yes, I am willing to be vulnerable enough to be hurt again for the sake of showing God’s love and because that is who I am. I enjoy fellowship with other believers, and for the church to function as one body, I must contribute the gifts God has given to me which requires friendly interaction with those around me.
I have also realized that my best friends need to be those outside of my local church ─ those with whom I can “let it all hang out” without worrying about how it will influence my husband’s job or church growth. That has meant cultivating long-distance relationships and going out of my way to nurture relationships with other pastors’ wives.
~ By Barb Winters
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