Over the years I have counseled many women. I have been surprised to find out that the majority of women that come in have had long deep-seated relationship issues with other women. It's been a real eye opener to see this universal problem. In most cases, women were hurt or abused by another woman and because of that they are very apprehensive at the thought of joining women's groups, clubs, or Bible studies. They often steer clear of any type of group with women as much as possible. This type of behavior often leads to women isolating themselves, putting up walls, and never getting out of their comfort zones. Because they fear getting hurt again, they are kept in bondage failing to experience the abundant life God intends for them.
My heart's desire is to see women set free and healed, so I have put together some restoration steps for helping women work through these kinds of hurts. In my role as a Christian lay counselor, I have seen God do miraculous healing and restoration not only in my own life, but in the lives of other women as well through these restoration steps.
Before we get into the actual steps, to start off in any lay counseling situation, you want to encourage women that there is hope for their situation and that hope is Jesus Christ. Women also need to understand that restoration and healing doesn't happen overnight. It takes time and is a process, but if they are willing to enter into that process and do it God's way biblically, they will see God begin to change them from the inside out.
As Christian lay counselors, our job is to give them direction and guidance and help them through the process. The time frame can take is variable depending on the woman and her unique situation. I handle every situation prayerfully and individually using the structure of God's Word as my foundation.
Restoration Steps:
1. Address.
The first part of the process is to help the woman address her situation and encourage her to talk about what happened. In general, people tend to numb themselves from bad situations (out of sight, out of mind) as a way of protection. Unfortunately, ignoring and stuffing pain can only make them worse not better. By addressing their situation and validating what happened to them, we are helping them bring it to the surface. We want to encourage them to talk about what has happened, acknowledge their pain and hurt, and let them know that how they feel is perfectly normal and also that they are not alone. (Read Hebrews 4:15 and 1 Peter 4.)
2. Allow.
If a woman has never addressed her situation, she most likely has not allowed herself to grieve. I encourage every woman in this situation to give herself permission to grieve in order to heal. It's a very important part of the process. Not holing it all inside, not covering it up, but releasing their loss and giving it over to God. This takes time and everyone is different in how long it takes. If someone is getting stuck in grief, it's necessary to refer to a professional counselor.
3. Acknowledge.
Acknowledging a woman's spiritual condition means to find out where she is in her personal relationship with Christ. Is she walking with God? Is she blackslidden? Or is she not walking at all? One important biblical lesson to learn is John 15:15b, "For without Me you can do nothing." Once you establish a woman's need for healing, the next step is to establish her need for Jesus. Professional counseling may help lead her toward healing, but only Jesus can truly heal her and set her free. It's important for her to see her need for Jesus.
4. Admit.
The priority here is restore a right relationship with Christ first so that God can begin to work in her and through her, healing and changing her from the inside out through the power of the Holy Spirit. If she is backslidden or not walking with God, address her need for repentance, encourage her in confession, and leading her back to Christ as her Lord and Savior. (Read Isaiah 1:18.)
5. Anchor.
Once she is in a right relationship with Christ, she needs to anchor herself to Him as her rock. Now that she has accepted Christ, the next step is to draw near to Him. The priority is to help her grow in her intimate relationship with Christ by spending time with Him through His Word and prayer. This part of the process is where she will begin to experience restoration. Have her start a "daily" devotional with God, encourage her to journal, get her plugged into a Bible believing church, and encourage her to fellowship with other believers. Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be given to you." Once she is on the right path, you can move her forward to the next step in the process. (Read Luke 9:23 and Hebrews 6:19-20.)
6. Ask.
Now that she is on the road to restoration, she can learn how to be filled with the Spirit rather than the flesh. Apart from God we can do nothing. If a woman is still struggling with forgiving the other person, have her pray and ask God to put His love into her heart to forgive and trust by faith that He is faithful to answer. Remind her of God's forgiveness for her and how important this part of the process is to her healing. Share the necessary Scriptures and if she is still unwilling to forgive, you need to put the process on hold until she is ready. Be willing at this point to hold her accountable and pray for her. (Read Matthew 6:14-15 and Mark 11:25-26).
7. Apply.
Help her apply God's Word by putting it into action. The Bible says we are to lay our gift at the altar and then go be reconciled. If the woman is in a place where the other person is still in her life, she should begin to pray for God to reconcile them to one another. At this step, I encourage her to make sure she has already reconciled and forgiven the other person in her own heart before she communicates with the other person. Pray for God to prepare her heart and give her the opportunity to see the other person, call, or write a letter. Regardless of how the other person reacts, she has already dealt with it in her own heart first and can move forward no matter what happens. (Read Matthew 5:23-24.)
8. Appreciate.
At this point in the process, I encourage a woman to give God all the glory for being faithful in setting her free. In addressing her pain, allowing Christ to come into her heart and situation, and forgiving, she no longer has anything to stuff, hide or cover up, because she has handed it over to God by faith. She is forgetting what is behind and looking forward to what is ahead in Christ Jesus and is no longer held in bondage to her fears. As she continues to move forward, she will soon be ready to take active steps of faith to join a women's bible study or women's fellowship again.
All of this is a process and takes time, but well worth the effort if it ends in a woman finding Christ and being restored in her relationships again. When women are set free from the past, life in the present becomes exciting and new again. Women experience rest for their souls, and a peace and joy enabling them to see what God has in store for their future. They also experience victory because they were obedient to allow God to enter their hearts and situation by faith and heal them from the inside out. It doesn't stop here -- this is only the beginning!
*In any kind of lay counseling, you need to always be sensitive to those situations which may need to be referred to a professional counselor. It's helpful to have a resource listing of Christian counselors in your area for referrals.
~ By Filoiann M. Wiedenhoff
