I was a danger to myself. I had broken so many promises, I even stopped trusting myself. I never wanted to wake up in the morning, never wanted to go anywhere. “My life is a mess,” I said, “I don’t know how to face anything anymore.” I was captured—a hostage of my past. After many mistakes, a wrong relationship, heavy drinking, disappointments, heartache, and being so emotionally and physically lost, I decided I couldn’t go on like that. I announced to my family that I needed help. I went to a rehab clinic for 21 days where I had to deal with everything in my past.
There were a lot of challenges I had to face, reactions to my actions of the past. I learned so much about myself and have come to terms with the fact that I must accept it. Acceptance is difficult when you are always fearful. It was fear that left me in a place I did not recognize—fear of getting hurt, fear of losing, fear of the future, fear of letting go, fear to really believe. Fear made me think I was not strong enough, or good enough, and that I didn’t deserve a place under the stars. Fear kept me from trusting God and having a relationship with Him. I was left to my imagination, making things up in my mind. The things I feared became real.
My life has changed dramatically in the past nine months. I’ve cried more tears than a toddler! I began to realize that God is for us and not against us. We are forgiven for our mistakes, but the devil keeps reminding you of them and says you won’t be forgiven. I kept having to remind myself that those were lies.
God showed me the way forward. A therapist advised me that I had to teach my mind to be in the present. For example, when I brush my teeth in the morning, I must stop worrying about what the day has in store, or what other people might think of me. She said, “Take your toothbrush, look at it, notice the color, concentrate on the way you are brushing your teeth.” At first it felt weird. But once I started using my five senses in the present, I began to feel more alive, more relaxed.
I wrote all my past mistakes on a piece of paper. I wrote down everything that bothered me, everything that was dark and didn’t bring any happiness into my life—every thought, every situation, every emotion. I prayed, “Lord, you know everything that was going on. You saw my every move; my every fall. You were there all along only waiting for me to call upon You. Today I give it all to You. You sent Jesus to die on the cross for my sins. Today I am grateful that You gave me the wisdom to acknowledge what I am going through and that I need You in my life. With this wisdom, I will be able to handle every situation. I will not try to understand the things that I cannot change. I will trust in You, God. For it is Your love that saved me from the dark. Thank you for forgiving me, for allowing me to hand it over, to leave it here today. God, You are my shelter. I want You to work through me. I surrender. Amen.”
One day, the pastor took every patient’s paper—our past, our mistakes—and as he prayed, he burned it all. I couldn’t stop crying. I am forgiven, I am free from it all. I am no longer allowing my past to condemn my future. I will not allow the darkness to dim my light.
So today, I am breathing again. I am smiling and I am saved. I am living in the present moment and I am not allowing any negative thought or emotion to convince me that there is something missing. If there is an obstacle in my path, I hand it over to God. I will not worry for I know “God is with me; I will not fall” (Psalm 46:5).
This is just the beginning of my journey, but I am a warrior. I will survive.
~ By Amor van Aswegen
