This has been a turbulent ride, I think as I look up from my laptop computer on a plane to Houston. It reminds me of riding Space Mountain at Disneyland. In the past 15 years since my husband and I were ordained, we have had smooth transitions, victories, tough defeats, and painful losses in ministry. Sometimes I feel like I am doing a great job as I serve the church alongside him as a pastor’s wife. On those days, ministry feels so positive and I love it. But at other times, I can’t believe that God chose me for this work and even wish I was not in this role.
The landscape of the pastor’s spouse is as varied as the people in it. Initially, I found it surprising when I first encountered such a variety of people in the role of pastor’s spouse. Early in our ministry, I was thrilled to find myself with the opportunity to share with pastor’s wives at a conference, sharing my call to ministry as a pastor’s wife. This call was very clear, and I was sure that others could resonate with it.
The Lord spoke to me at church when I was 18 and told me that I would marry a pastor. That word led me to a lifestyle of ministry, and I became ordained in the process. I am now serving as a pastor’s wife just like the Lord said. My call was a clear, divine appointment.
After sharing my story, I was shocked to hear the woman after me tell of her feelings of being trapped in the role of pastor’s wife. She had no calling like mine. Her husband went into ministry after they were married, and with little consideration of how it would impact her. She cried and sat down.
Was she for real? Had God not spoken to her at all? How different we were! Our situations conflicted but had a common thread as I later descended from the mountaintop and walked through some difficult times with my husband in the church he served as pastor.
Since then I have connected with many pastors’ wives on a personal level and spoken at a variety of conferences and listened to others’ stories. I have come to see that ministry wives have four different characteristics and do not come from one mold or even four molds, but this narrow four-part description is a beginning:
- “Called and Serving.” A sense of God leading them to be a pastor’s wife.
- “Called and not Serving.” A deep sense of call as a pastor’s wife, but ministry becomes painful and resentment builds. The ability to serve breaks down as criticism and disillusionment settle in.
- “Not Called and Serving.” This person’s husband happens to be a pastor, and as his wife she serves in the church, but there isn’t really a deep calling to have the role of pastor’s wife.
- “Not Called and not Serving.” Some pastor’s wives do not have a sense of call to be married to a pastor, though they love and respect their husbands. They simply would prefer to not be in ministry with that role.
In spite of the order and structure here, these descriptors help me understand my role as a pastor’s wife from a more fluid, rather than rigid, point of view. Even though I have a strong sense of call to be a pastor’s wife, the daily challenges can be hard, and I go back and forth between some of these descriptors.
So, in the end, I see flexibility and fluidity, and in that is freedom to live as God created me, rather than living as others expect me to be. This is so important to discover and lean into and it brings an incredible sense of peace for us who are married to pastors.
On my flight, the worst turbulence is over. “Smooth skies ahead,” the pilot says. What a relief! I wish that ministry would be as easy as these friendly skies now that the storm is past. I encourage you to reflect and understand your sense of calling in this role as pastor’s wife, and talk about it with your husband, so you can have “the peace that passes understanding” in your journey as a pastor’s wife.