My heart pounded relentlessly as adrenalin shot through my body. I avoided looking at the faces of those who peered up at me. I can’t do this another week, I told myself. If I can just get through this day, I can come up with a reason—any reason—to miss next week. This scenario played out every Sunday after I joined the worship band at our new church.
I had only played the keyboard for about a year and a half—from the comfort of my home. When I joined the worship band, I didn’t realize that stepping out would impact me this way. What was I doing here? Maybe I was too eager to jump at the chance to play. Regardless, I was there, and I needed to make it through that uncomfortable morning.
Enslaved to Fear
Fear was trying to claim me as its next victim. Fear can stop us in our tracks—if we allow it. Fear can control every aspect of our lives and prevent us from acting, stepping out, and enduring. Fear causes us to focus on our feelings and avoid situations that make us uneasy. I’ve discovered that fear is like fire: the more you yield to it, the bigger it becomes. It is always hungry for more power.
As Christians, we don’t think of ourselves as enslaved to anything. We are free from the curse of sin indeed, but when we don’t step out into the ministry God lays before us because we are afraid, we are enslaved to fear and submit to its power. The result renders us immobile and unprofitable. “Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey” (Rom. 6:16)? Fear is sly. It entraps us. This is all the control it needs to satisfy its appetite.
Breaking Point
I remember coming home one Sunday afternoon, early in my struggle with fear, and pouring my heart out to God in tears. I told Him how hard it was for me to step out every Sunday in this ministry. I wanted to, and I knew He had put this opportunity before me, but the struggle with fear and anxiety was too much both mentally and physically. But He reminded me of the joy and excitement I felt while learning to play the keyboard. Back then, I knew that God was preparing me for something in my future. I was right where I was supposed to be—despite my fear.
Unlikely Freedom
I lacked confidence, but if I didn’t play, no one else was available to take my place. Could I trust God? Could I endure, even when I wanted to give up? I sensed God was asking me if I was willing to drink the cup before me, fear and all. I could, but only if I surrendered all of me to Christ. I read, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies” (1 Cor. 6:19-20 NIV).
As I knelt in prayer, I surrendered my body, talents, and will to God. My freedom didn’t come through positive self-talk or creative strategies to manage my anxieties. It came solely through surrender to what I knew was God’s will. Surrender is a quiet trust and submission to our heavenly Father. Many times, it comes without knowing all the details or how something may turn out, but it moves forward in complete obedience to the One who leads. Andrew Murray, teacher, pastor, and author of many beloved books, said, “Just as a servant knows that he must first obey his master in all things, so the surrender to an implicit and unquestionable obedience must become the essential characteristic of our lives.”
My surrender didn’t come easy. Weeks and months continued to pass, and fear still threatened, but I did not bow to it. My mind was made up. Jesus was my Lord, and I would drink deeply of the cup before me. Little by little, my fears began to wane, and fear’s loud threats became mere whispers.