Fear and anxiety began early for me in childhood and allowed the Enemy to gain a foothold in my life. It seemed, at times, that fear was my only "friend". On the morning of April 11th, 1996, my world was forever changed, and my one "friend" showed up again. That was the morning my grandparents were involved in a murder/suicide. Life wouldn't be the same for many years, if ever.
From that day forward, I lived a life based on anxiety, panic attacks, and eventually agoraphobia. My life became more and more narrow; yet all the while I wanted my life to be “normal.” Unfortunately, my struggles grew deeper and deeper, causing my family to suffer along the way. I missed school functions, programs, sports, overnight trips, and lots of memories because I could not be away from home for any length of time. The agoraphobia was so powerful that my family and I did not go on a family vacation from 1997 to 2012. So much of my life revolved around just trying to survive, and some of those years are still a blur. No matter what I tried to overcome my anxiety, fear, and agoraphobia, the past was always there waiting to rear its ugly head. The Enemy constantly reminded me that I would never be free, I would never be “normal,” and I would never be safe.
15 Years of Fear
For me, God seemed to have a weird sense of humor, and often He and I were not on speaking terms. My daily frustration level was so high that I could not discuss life in general terms, much less in relation to God - even though I believed that He saved me and gave me eternal life with Him in heaven. My view of God and life was very skewed and revolved only around my issues. The world was tainted by my experiences with loss, trauma, death, and fear, I didn’t really have the bandwidth to understand the many why’s of my life. Thus my faith suffered and eventually I just gave up believing that God cared. Instead I thought He had bigger issues than what I was going through.
During this time my physical health suffered as well, which only seemed to magnify my agoraphobia. After a health crisis in 2008, the agoraphobia became all-consuming and overpowering. Things that, at first, I was able to control somewhat, had become more powerful. Life had never been easy for me, but now it was so, so very hard. I could no longer leave my home for any reason. My mother-in-law would come stay with me during the day when she had time, but most often I struggled throughout the day alone, paralyzed with fear. Life was lonely, and at times it became very unmanageable for me, with suicidal thoughts coming and going. The Enemy definitely upped his ante as my only "friend", fear, grew more and more demanding. All too quickly, the years passed, until one day I found more than 15 years had gone by.
Lifting the Veil of Fear
Struggling with fear and anxiety since I was five years old, I was not sure I could change from that to something totally different. But I found my answer in God. He seemed to have a different plan for me and wasn't, as I had once thought, too busy to care. For God began moving in a way that I never dreamed possible.
In June of 2012, I was convinced to attend a women’s conference at a local church with a few friends. From the moment I arrived—full of fear and anxiety, sweaty palms, and an overwhelming desire to run away—I could sense that God was moving. I wasn’t sure how or when, but I could feel it in my heart. By the third day of the conference, after several women had prayed over my fear, I could tell God was working. The verse God spoke to me that day, Isa. 44:20 (CSB), became a life-changing verse for me. It reads, “He feeds on ashes. His deceived mind has led him astray, and he cannot rescue himself, or say, ‘isn't there a lie in my right hand'"? I felt God telling me that the “lie” in my "hand" (and in my head), of fear and anxiety, would never save me, protect me, or take me anywhere.
Slowly, from that day in June until August, I sensed a change that I could not explain to anyone, even myself. There was a heart change, but also a confidence change that God was working on my behalf. My countenance changed, my view of myself changed, I felt stronger. Somehow I knew the veil of fear in my life was lifting and I was on a road I hadn’t been on in many many years.
The Path Forward
By the end of August, I was able to make arrangements with my family, to go on that family vacation we had waited over 15 years for. You can only imagine the joy, as well as the anxiety, I felt on that first trip. But, oh, to have accomplished it opened unimaginable doors of freedom for me! I was even able to visit my 90-year-old grandmother before she passed away.
Since then we moved from our small town of 16,000 people to Houston, Texas in 2016, and in 2019 we moved to Arizona. Can you imagine the smile on God’s face? I know I’m smiling! I have accomplished so much, and found such freedom since that first trip with God by my side. I am so grateful that I took a chance on myself as well as God. I've traded fear's friendship for God's freedom, and I cannot wait to see where God takes me next!
