Christmas can be a stressful time for people at the best of times. Not to mention those who are living through the worst of times. Christmas is a season that is portrayed as being one of happiness, peace, and “joy to the world”! However, it is also the time of year with the highest rate of suicide. It’s the season of people’s highest highs, but also their lowest lows.
Christmas has been a challenge for me the past five years with the loss of our 19-year-old son, Ben. It seemed that the year he was sick and even after he died, the enemy wanted to turn my Christ “mass” into a “mess.”
It’s been a challenge to “celebrate” life when our hearts have been grieving his loss. The first Christmas without Ben, I wanted to smash the remnant of my decorations. I remember walking around decorated malls to happy music. It all seemed so meaningless and trivial. And the tragedy is, we are often unprepared to know exactly what to do or say to people like me dealing with crises or loss, especially at Christmastime. Everyone wants to help–but how?
I learned a lot from the comfort we received through Ben’s illness and death. Hopefully what I’ve learned can help you to come alongside and bring “glad tidings of comfort and joy” to someone this Christmas.
Surprises are not pleasant to the one whose life is already full of them!
Perhaps one of the hardest things to do when you’re dealing with a crisis is turn away well-intending people. It’s exhausting and can be very frustrating.
ALWAYS call ahead!
Calling ahead allows the person you’re comforting the freedom to say they’re not up for a visit without the embarrassment or responsibility of having to send you away when you get there. It also allows the person to anticipate a visit rather than having to respond to it
Take inventory.
Even if you’ve called ahead, things change in a split second. Take a look around the room. Are there other visitors? Is there a doctor in the room? Has the timing of your visit turned out not such a good time?
Set visitation boundaries.
Say things like, “I won’t be staying long” (and mean it!) or “I’m only staying for 15 min max!” (and stick to it). It’s better to leave the person wanting more than less of you!
Be resourceful without being controlling.
If there’s one thing that a person in crisis loses is a sense of control. Therefore, make a proposal or offer and leave the final call to the person.
Be available without being intrusive.
The key phrase is “this is what I’m thinking. Would you like me to…?”
Acknowledge the elephant.
People are often uncomfortable with others’ pain. If they can’t fix it, they don’t know what to do with it. Invite the elephant into conversation. Share a memory. Share your personal feelings about the situation or loss.
Invite the elephant into conversation.
Share a memory. Share your personal feelings about the situation or loss.
Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
The angels that appeared to the shepherds that dark night of Jesus’ birth came to bring tidings of comfort and joy that would be to all people. We, on the other hand, as well-intentioned as we try to be, aren’t always successful at bringing much comfort. The truth is, we can’t handle each other’s pain so instead we try to snatch it away with advice and words that aren’t necessarily being asked for.
Listen
One of the best gifts you can give a person is your listening ear. Words often get in the way. It’s okay to not know what to do or say! Just say so “I don’t know what to do or say.” It’s better than doing or saying something everyone will regret!
It’s not wise to ask for directions from someone who is lost.
When someone is in crisis they don’t necessarily know what time of day it is let alone what they need or when. Often they don’t have the emotional strength or mental ability to even think of asking for help. It can be frustrating when people say: “Just let me know what I can do to help you” or “Call me if you need anything.” Without realizing it, these people all put the oneness on people in crisis
Use what you’ve been given.
Use your spiritual gift. There’s nothing better than the body of Christ functioning as a body!
Give what you’ve got.
Check out your resources and offer what you’ve got available. Practical help, gift cards, care packages, personal items, money, meals, encouragement notes. For someone who’s grieving, consider gifting a person with a Christmas ornament with the name of their loved one engraved on it or a quiet worship CD.
Provide Companionship.
I love that God walks us THROUGH our pain. Psalm 23 says, Yea though I walk through the valley...Thou art with me.
Validate the pain.
We spend more time trying to talk others out of their pain than validating it. The Bible instructs us to mourn with those who mourn. Not rejoice them out of it!
Above all else, trust that…when the time comes, The Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, will give you the necessary wisdom to comfort those in any trouble with the comfort you yourselves have received from God (2 Cor. 1:2-4).
