A little girl born and raised in a religious abusive mission, with parents who were abused as children and never found emotional healing, is a recipe for really messed up theology. Add in a deeply ingrained message of shame taught towards one’s own body, desire, and sex, and you have a young person with a deep sense of shame, self-loathing, and no idea what true intimacy is.
I learned very early on to hide the truth and pretend that everything was ok. The biggest lie of all told me that I could only depend on myself, since everyone else abandoned me. This lie later translated into my spiritual life and my idea of even God Himself. I was taught to protect abusive parents at all costs and to pretend that nothing harmful was happening.
Starting at age nine, I began shuffling between a boarding school and brief stays at “home” in an emotionally volatile and manipulative household—all so my parents could be more productive in ministry. I started finding ways at a very young age to cope with the mountains of stress, hyper anxiety, and depression that were quietly blossoming in me. Geographical distance from my parents helped me get away from home life, but boarding school carried a completely different level of abuse, shame, and predatory behavior from adults. It was all around and inescapable. To maintain a certain level of sanity, I learned coping mechanisms.
In a mission where any outward coping mechanisms were seen as ungodly, where you were shamed, judged, and condemned, one quickly learned to seek hidden coping mechanisms. I so desperately needed to feel loved—to feel that I belonged. I was never going to choose a coping skill that threatened my ability to belong, so I found myself in my early teen life coming apart at the seams emotionally and psychologically, with nobody and nothing to turn to for help.
My coping mechanism became self-stimulation or masturbation. From a brain chemical standpoint, it was the only release I had in a world that was out of my control. From a spiritual standpoint, it became an addiction for the next 20-plus years. In the years to come, it became what I reached for in times of debilitating depression and hyper anxiety instead of crying out to God or asking someone I could trust, like my husband, for help.
THE CAGE OF SELF-ISOLATION
I had falsely learned from an early age that I was the only one who could protect and care for myself. I’d gotten really good at not needing others, but as an adult I finally was safe, living with safe people in a safe environment. I didn’t know how to let go of age-old coping mechanisms that had served me well then, but were now keeping me locked in a spiritual and emotional prison.
I was honest with my husband before we got married, because I was afraid of telling him later and having him leave me. He didn’t throw me away like I believed he would. He loved me in spite of my mess, which shocked me! It was the first time I’d been accepted at that depth of my brokenness. After that confession, though, we didn’t talk about it for the next 14 years of marriage while I continued to struggle in shame, isolation, and self-loathing.
My addiction to masturbation so often took the place of God’s design for a deep sexual connection with my husband. Because I chose emotional isolation, I sinned over and over against my husband. I also chose spiritual isolation as I withheld areas of my inner life from God. My innermost places that were intended for my husband and spiritually for God, were locked behind an impenetrable wall. Without even realizing it, my addiction became my idol, because it took the place of my need to humble myself before God and His healing grace and love.
BREAKING THE CAGE
It wasn’t until a number of years ago that both the pain of my self-isolation and the need for a deeper connection with God and my husband became so great that I began to pray that God would open a door to begin conversations with my husband. God answered that prayer through my husband’s honest confession to me that he was viewing porn and needed to come to me and ask for forgiveness. For me, not a second lingered between hearing and forgiving. How could I, a sinner, not forgive one in need of forgiveness? It opened a door, and all my inner turmoil came tumbling out over the next few days, weeks, and months. My husband extended the purest grace, love, and acceptance I’ve ever experienced—other than God’s great love for me.
We have spent many moments since that first discussion talking and crying with each other. We have mourned sinful choices we’ve made toward each other, the addiction that kept me locked up in fear, and how it has hindered and harmed our relationship.
It is extraordinarily hard, after years of believing lies, to wake up and not believe them. It takes real purposeful living in the Word of God’s Truth to untangle those age-old messages and learn how to think, believe, and behave. I am learning how to ask for help. I am learning how to verbally say, “I’m struggling. Can you please be with me? Can you please physically hold me, because everything inside of me is screaming, ‘I want to run from this stress and hide.’”
CHOOSING FREEDOM
It is terrifying to be spiritually and sexually vulnerable at times. It feels too bare, too unprotected. But I firmly believe that my God is big enough to hold me in all my brokenness and remain with me as I heal and grow. I also believe my husband is deeply committed to us growing and deepening our relationship together. God has never left me, not for one moment of my life.
I have done a lot of hiding over the years out of fear of rejection. I now want to know and be known by a God who loved me even before I knew Him, before I had my life all together. I want to be known by the One who never condemned me, but sent His Son to die for me before I knew Him. I want my faith and love for Him to be greater than my fear and my hiding. He has opened my prison doors and I need to choose to walk in that freedom every day.
~ By Anonymous
To learn why God cares about your sexuality and find His freedom, consider exploring resources from Dr. Juli Slattery’s teaching ministry, Authentic Intimacy. https://www.authenticintimacy.com/
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