If you tried to convince me over a decade ago that something good would come out of my marriage to my porn-addicted husband, I would have laughed in your face. Not the “funny ha-ha” kind of laugh. More like a cackle, accompanied with words filled with anger, despair, and hopelessness.
No one tried to convince me, though, because no one knew. No one knew Craig was addicted to porn. No one knew we were drowning, despite the appearance that we could swim.
But God knew.
There was a Mother’s Day relatively early in our marriage where I had caught Craig using. Again. A Mother’s Day where I took my infuriated, wounded self into my bathroom closet, closed the door and let God know how unhappy I was. I spelled it all out for Him—this was unfair, unjust, unreasonable, unloving, and unkind. Since I wasn’t ready to choose to be unmarried, I asked Him if this was really how I was expected to live. I told Him how I had done everything I possibly could to help Craig, but he was refusing to get with my program. What was wrong with him?
I finally ran out of words. My head on the carpet, I was spent. In that open space of silence and utter depletion, God spoke. Not audibly, but I could see the words in my mind. I could feel His presence.
He said: I have a plan. Are you ready to try it My way?
In the darkness of that moment, God brought light, showing me that I had lost sight of my husband. I had defined him by what he was doing instead of who God created him to be. Perhaps even more revealing was the notion that I had lost sight of God’s power and His place in our lives. I had strapped on the burden of ‘healer’ when I should have been showing humility, bowing low to the One who can do all things.
On the floor of the bathroom closet was the turning point— both in my relationship with my husband and my relationship with God.”(Excerpt from Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography.)
Based on statistics, there are many of you reading right now that can relate to my story. Sixty-four percent of Christian men say they watch porn at least once a month. If you’re in the majority here, you may be filled with anger (How could he betray me like this?). You may be filled with despair (Will he ever stop?). You may feel confused (Why am I not enough?). You may be questioning a multitude of things: who your spouse really is, how you missed the signs until the moment they became apparent, the validity of your pain of betrayal, and what in the world could make these circumstances any better.
Before you keep reading, I want you to pause with me here. Pretend my hands are cupped around your face and I’m looking you straight in the eyes. Hear me as I say these words to you:
It is not your fault.
You did not cause this.
You cannot fix this.
Your pain is valid.
You have to know—really know—these things. They are crucial because most likely, the road to healing from betrayal and your spouse’s road to healing from porn addiction will not be easy. These words are like the buoys on the rope that separate the deep end of the pool from where you can safely find your footing again. You need truth to hang on to, friend.
I can tell you that God has brought just as much freedom to me as He did to Craig. The difference was I didn’t know from what I needed freedom. In The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller writes, “Counselors will tell you that the only flaws that can enslave you are the ones you are blind to.”
Before my plan to cure Craig of his porn addiction failed miserably, I had no idea how controlling and prideful I was. I had no idea the enormity of responsibility I felt I had to find the cure. If those burdens had been physical, I would have appeared like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I was living just as spiritually crippled as my husband was.
Thankfully, Jesus has a heart for those who are unhealthy and tired. He longs to bring His healing power and touch to those who ask, to those who feel undeserving, to those who are desperate, to the faithful, and to those who struggle with unbelief.
But, He often asks this question: Do you want to be well (John 5:6)?
Recovery from addiction—any kind of addiction—requires admission to the problem and a willingness to take steps toward healing. Though it may seem daunting, there is real hope that you can get through this, that your marriage will survive and thrive, and that you will experience intimacy between each other and with Jesus that you didn’t even know was possible.
This process of healing and wholeness often takes time and if you only have the one goal in mind—complete freedom—it will be easy to become discouraged while you’re waiting for the fullness of healing. Here are three valuable things to celebrate along the way:
1. Talking about addictions and fears brings light into dark places.
Pornography can feel like a very shameful thing for both you and your spouse. When we feel ashamed, many times our first instinct is to hide away. But it is in the isolation that shame breeds. When we are open with our sins, our fears, and questions, we bring it all into the light. And if we believe that Jesus is the light (John 1:4-5), we’re then bringing it to Him and allowing Him to start eradicating the darkness within us and within our marriage. The more we can talk about what causes our addictions, the more we share with our spouse, the more these conversations create intimacy within our relationship. And intimacy? It’s a key part of our marriage foundation.
2. Admitting your struggles and weakness reveals the need for Jesus.
If you’re like me, you want to be the strong one. But this can turn into pride so quickly. It weakens our ability to empathize and show compassion for other people’s weaknesses. You are actually a safer person to be around if you can confess that you don’t have it all together and that you make mistakes. Every time you are authentic with your community, your spouse, and God, this is victory. You’re showing the world that everyone needs a Savior and His name is Jesus.
3. Dealing with these issues begins to break generational bondage.
Whenever you address issues in your life and heal from wounds in your past and present, God unravels those old, unhealthy ways of coping and equips you with new tools. This is an incredible example to the generations in your family who come up after you. Addictions are so easily passed from one generation to the next and deciding to begin to live life differently is a huge victory for you—and for them.
God has much to show you. It’s easy to be blinded by our pain. It feels easier to close our eyes and sink down into it. But we serve a God who walks on water, stretches out His hand, and rescues us. Remember, you are not alone in this storm.
~ By Jen Ferguson. Craig and Jen Ferguson have been married since 2000, and are passionate about Jesus and helping couples infuse their marriages with His power and love. Through writing, speaking, and leading small groups, they help couples develop and retain intimacy both with each other and with God.
Related Resources:
5 Things Every Woman Should Know About Her Husband's Porn Addiction
