There existed this well-kept secret between myself and God that I was living in the sweet spot of doing it right for many years. I was a sinner saved by grace—of course; not without blemish--understood. But outwardly, as I worked in full-time ministry and served my family and others in various Christian venues everything was looking good! But beneath it all, there was this smug attitude—a quiet acknowledgement accompanied by relief inside, “Whew, things are going pretty well with parenting, marriage, finances, and children—thanks, Lord, we’re doing a pretty awesome job together, you and me.” No pride there, right?
But my happy little world came crashing down when the uninvited guests of personal family crisis, fear, anguish, consequences, and despair rushed in to become my daily companions. Dealing with the pain of such events in a loved one’s life and realizing that I can’t fix it or change things has ushered me into an era of brokenness. A season that I would have never wished on anyone, but am now wrestling with and as I do—God is showing me the true beauty of being broken as I continue to pick up the pieces and surrender myself to Him in the midst of it.
But now I see…
I had been blind to seeing myself as the self-righteous older brother in Jesus’ infamous parable in Luke 15. Yet through the shock of my situation, I quickly realized how often I silently judged and inwardly shook my finger at those who were struggling and suffering because they had fallen. My heart began to see—my own pain was making it real to me—I was broken and needy and so was my family; each of us desperately needing the lavish grace of God. As I continue to shed my pretend perfect Christian life and grapple with the truth of my brokenness, God is changing me in ways that are redeeming and life-giving from the inside out.
It’s all about attitudes
- My prideful attitude toward others centered on making myself feel better by noticing their weaknesses and failures. Now, I’m focusing on my shortcomings and need for redemption each day in my own life. My love and acceptance of others is deeper now that I can admit I am broken.
- Another older brother issue for me is having to be right—ouch! And having the last word is a part of that too. I‘m now experiencing newfound freedom as I yield that right and allow myself to humbly be slow to speak and quick to listen and learn from others!
- My boastful heart can be full of ugly stuff: arrogance, resentment, envy, self- pity, and anger. My broken heart is learning to cast off these sin-nature emotions and replace them with compassion for others who struggle and have a deeper understanding of the heights from which I, too, have fallen.
God loves us broken. As Elisa Morgan, former CEO of MOPS International states in her book, The Beauty of Broken, “God uses the broken. It’s hard—at first—to understand. Isn’t it? Brokenness doesn’t disqualify us. Brokenness placed in God’s hands to redeem and re-form can actually qualify us for life and love and even leadership.”
I’m in process. My grief is keeping me humble and His grace is keeping me grateful. Hope enlarges as I continue to heal. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed (Ps. 34:18).
God really, truly, absolutely loves you and me. We are all rebels. Only His transformational power and love can change us, and that is what makes all the difference in casting off our pride and the ‘the older brother syndrome’!
