A large Black Dog lives in the center of our marriage. It was Winston Churchill who first described depression thus. For much of our quarter-century marriage, my husband has suffered from depression, and I have battled to live alongside him well while maintaining my sanity and emotional well-being.
The Black Dog left him feeling bleak, trapped, hopeless, emotionally numb, and me struggling with isolation, frustration, and loneliness. I was torn between loving support and angry resentment about the impact of this awful, and oh-so-common illness. I was seeking to honor the marriage commitment I made before God—but how to pray? How to keep going day in day out in a marriage so different from that which I had envisioned?
There are many different breeds of Black Dog, and I speak only from our own experience. Depression robs the sufferer of the ability to engage with or enjoy much of life, depleting them of energy for much other than self-preservation. And for the person alongside—partner, family member, friend—it is devastating to see a mere shadow of a loved one. I mourned for the engaging, funny, inspiring and creative man that I knew was in there somewhere, the man I had chosen to marry but who had been consumed by this Black Dog.
It is possible to move on from depression—we are there now. But what have we learned along the way that might encourage others living with a Black Dog? Three things stand out that, had I applied them earlier, might have saved us both a fair deal of heartache.
1. Talk about it.
Fear, failure, guilt, anger, withdrawal, shame—often these emotions kept us pretending that things were okay and not opening up to others, perpetuating the isolation and loneliness for us both. For men, it seems especially hard to talk about their mental health, but depression is an illness.
I would now say to my husband, “This is not your fault, nor does it make you a failure. I want to see you enjoy life more—let’s seek help together.”
It’s okay to not be fine, it’s okay to ask for help, and you are not alone. The first time I shared that my husband was depressed and I was very lonely within my marriage, one of my dear prayer partners—whom I thought I knew well—burst into tears. She thought that she was the only one lonely in her marriage. Once it is out in the open, the darkness of isolation starts to lose some of its power, and we can invite others to walk alongside us and stand with us in prayer.
2. Take time to understand yourself and what it is that you need.
Once it was known that my husband was depressed, I found that well-meaning friends would focus their concern on him. Through gritted teeth I would answer questions from them as to how he was, waiting in vain to be asked how I was doing amid this consuming darkness. There is no blame intended here—when someone is not well, it is entirely appropriate to express concern for that person. But in living alongside someone with depression, often your own life feels put on hold.
I would swing through a full gamut of emotions, sometimes in the course of a week or less, sometimes over months. I felt deep grief for his suffering, loneliness because of the loss of connection between us, anger at the injustice of it all and how invisible I had become in the relationship, resentment that I was running our lives and those of our children without his support, to shutting down as a form of self-preservation.
All these emotions are valid. The challenge is what to do about them.
For years I kept them locked away inside and pretended to be “fine.” Needless to say, this did not serve me well; it is exhausting, and I was losing sight of who I really was. It took me a while to realize that I needed to make time to pay attention to my own needs. I needed to bring those emotions to God, shout and rail at Him, and allow myself to be loved and nurtured by my heavenly Father.
If you are living alongside someone with depression, chances are they need your consistent understanding and support, so you need to be resourced to provide it. It is not selfish or disloyal to talk with trusted friends about how you are, or to address your own needs. It is essential for your own emotional, mental, and spiritual health. Do some fun activities just for you that serve as outlets for some of the pent-up needs. Exercise and get regular small breaks. Take time with God to allow Him to fill you up. But don’t lose sight of the person who is behind the Black Dog. Seeing depression as a third party helped me to separate the illness from the man I loved, and therefore avoid either blaming him or cutting myself off from him in despair.
3. People are worth fighting for.
Depression can make you feel that life is on hold—numb, cheated of enjoyment and wasted years. It can make you fear that this is as good as it is going to get, and subsequently shut down to hopes and dreams. Ask yourself: is this the life I really want to be living?
It was dealing with the Black Dog that eventually prompted us to take stock, talk about it to others, and get help. But more significantly, it made us look much deeper at the bigger picture of our marriage. For us, the Black Dog had come and gone, and its power to dominate our lives had lessened, but its legacy was a pattern of dysfunctional communication.
There was a gulf between that would only narrow if we both chose to move.
Looking at my own unmet needs was not enough, I needed a willingness to admit where my attitudes and behavior were wrong. It was all too easy to blame all our struggles on my husband’s illness and his reactions to it, but some brutal self-examination showed me some harsh truths about myself that were not pretty. How willing was I to let go of my resentment, learn to be more gracious and humble, and let others in? I was heavily invested in being strong and self-reliant (partly as a defense mechanism but now an issue of stubbornness), but where was God in that? A process of learning to surrender to God followed, letting go of my hurts and letting my Father love me. I healed with His help to see where and what I needed to forgive, and to seek forgiveness.
I can’t change my husband—only God can do that—but I can choose to love him, to see who he is and is becoming, and not remain stuck in who he has been. For us, the Black Dog eventually prompted us to take stock, learn to communicate better, grow to understand our own needs, and seek God’s help in changing ourselves and not each other. While I would not have chosen this path, I can now see that I am who I am because of it, because of God’s extraordinary grace and ability to redeem and transform. This whole experience has taught me much about being willing to surrender to God and allow Him, through His Holy Spirit, to graciously, lovingly, and oh-so-patiently, work to change me.
If you are living alongside someone with depression, take time to seek help together and to talk about how you are. Recognize that you have needs too, and they are valid. And allow God in His infinite loving grace and patience to hold you, to mold you, and to shape you.
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