When my boys were young, I used to tell them, “Keep your spirit strong but your heart soft.” Little did I know my own heart had become hardened.
The revealing of my hard heart began when our church announced a meeting on fracking. My brother was driving fracking equipment at the time, and my husband and I decided to attend the meeting. The fracking process, according to my brother, involved drilling a deep tunnel into the ground and shooting hot water and chemicals down the hole with tremendous pressure to release the oil and gas from the solid oil shale.
In a monotone voice, the speaker read verbatim from her notes about the consequences of fracking. When some members of the audience questioned her conclusions, she seemed dismissive and defensive. I thought she was rude, and I became angry. As the negative feelings began to build inside me, I raised my hand. “Do you have a question?” she asked. “No,” I said, “I have a comment. I would appreciate it if you would give the same respect to the audience as we have given you.” Total silence! My husband was stunned. I had publically reprimanded the guest speaker.
When we returned home, I was embarrassed and confused by my behavior. Why was I so mad? Each day that followed, I felt more ashamed. I had been the rude one. I couldn’t remember ever feeling so much inner turmoil. To make matters worse, I had just finished an in-depth study of the book of Proverbs regarding the effect of our words. My words had gotten away from me. During the next few weeks, I prayed, cried, and prayed some more about this situation.
Through discussions with the women in my Bible study, I eventually realized the feelings that had surfaced were very familiar and from long ago. They were the same feelings I felt when my mother would cut people off or disregard their point of view. Her negative behavior was a common occurrence in our home and at social gatherings. There was only one acceptable view—hers. These situations would embarrass me, and I would feel angry when she was disrespectful, especially to my friends.
As the Lord began to reveal the real cause of my anger, I realized I had been spiritually fracked. The hot pressure of God's Spirit had broken up old hurts and brought them to the surface. The hard rock of my heart and scars from my childhood were revealed. I couldn’t help but see the ironic humor in this. I thought I was going to a meeting on oil shale fracking, but the Lord had other fracking to do! My heart had become hard and needed the extreme pressure of embarrassment and shame to break it up.
I called the person who arranged the meeting and apologized. When I offered to call the speaker, she said it wasn’t necessary, and I gratefully accepted the pass. However, as time went by, I was never at peace about this situation. I had had my fracking moment, understood where it came from, but I hadn’t completed the process. I needed to ask forgiveness from the speaker.
Three years later, I tracked her down. I emailed her and asked if we could meet. I didn’t tell her why, only that I had previously heard her speak. While driving to our appointment, I prayed, “Lord, how should I approach this? What do I say?” I felt His gentle nudging, spend time getting to know her, listen.”
The moment I introduced myself I knew it was going to be okay. She didn’t recognize me and welcomed me with a warm smile. I asked her how she had gotten involved in the anti-fracking movement. She shared her love for the community, the environment, and her concerns as a mother. I told her my interest was due to my brother’s work in the oil fields. Finally, I said, “The reason I wanted to meet with you is I was very rude to you the night you spoke to our group. I want to ask for your forgiveness.” After I said this, her eyes filled up with tears, and she shared how she cried all the way home. I told her how sorry I was for the pain I had caused her. It had nothing to do with her, but for some reason, issues from my past had surfaced. I had been rude and unkind. I was embarrassed and ashamed.
I told her the real issues had been revealed during the weeks that followed as I had talked with the women at my Bible study. At some point, I had realized, I’ve been spiritually fracked by God. Scars from my past had been broken up and brought to the surface. The experience had become a powerful lesson of how hard our hearts can become without our awareness. She laughed at this analogy – thank goodness!
We spent the remainder of our time sharing our hearts as mothers and our desire to impart respect and kindness to our children. We agreed these are essential character qualities to pass on. I was awestruck at the turn of events. Now we were just two mothers who loved our community and our families. When we got up to say goodbye, I wanted to give her a hug, but I wasn’t sure how it would be received. She immediately reached out to give me a hug. It was wonderful! It was a time of healing for both of us.
My spiritual fracking was more timely than I realized. I graciously received an answer to a prayer I had forgotten about. Months before the meeting on fracking, I had written a request in my prayer journal for compassion for my mother. She was in a nursing home but was still very challenging and demanding. I prayed to have genuine empathy for her as a human being before she died.
I needed to let go of the feelings I had as a child of a mentally ill mother. I wanted to be able to see my mother through God’s eyes. During the three years following my spiritual fracking, my heart had softened. God was able to heal my hurt and pain. He gave me the ability to view my mother with His love and compassion.
On the day she died, she had the countenance of an angel. I remarked to my husband as we left the nursing home that I have never seen such a peaceful look on her face; she had a sweet and soft glow. I was finally able to see her as a child of God, made in His image. I didn't realize at the time that this would be her last day on earth. This final memory that I have of her was God's gift to me. My prayer was answered, my hardened heart changed, and I was at peace.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezek. 36:26).
