I thought I had forgiven, but still, I couldn't shake the feeling that I hadn't...
To offer you some background, a woman and I had great plans to work together on a project. All was good; we made an agreement. I forged ahead until every detail was ready to go. Yet, at the last minute, she turned the tables on me and threatened to leave me high and dry if I didn't do exactly what she wanted. I was stuck in a horrible situation. I felt taken advantage of. My heart hurt. She used my situation against me and I had no recourse. I was in a position of lesser-power. Although I stood my ground, I still couldn't help but feel angry afterwards, violated even. There was no kindness on her part. There were no words of reconciliation. It was an abrupt end to a short relationship. Worst of all, I didn't feel like Christ was in the center of it all. That bothered me. So, I forgave her.
A year later, because the incident kept coming to mind, I forgave her again. A time after that, another situation reminded me of what happened with her, so, yet again, I forgave her.
"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times'? Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times'" (Matt. 18:21-22)!
So, I kept on forgiving, figuring that Jesus' words weren't only meant for different offenders, but for people you just can't seem to forgive. This must just be part of my forgiveness process, I determined. A time later, seeing this woman again triggered me. It made my mind drift to what happened and I felt guilty again.
Did I make a mistake?
Could I have acted better?
What if...
The old thoughts returned afresh. This made me wonder, "As Christians, how do we know when we've really forgiven?" I think we can tell by asking the following questions...
Ask yourself:
- Can I pray for the person?
- Can I honestly direct love towards the person again (even if it is from afar)?
- Can I think of God blessing them without feeling angry about it?
Asking yourself these questions doesn't mean you condone their behavior, excuse it, or wash it away; it just means that you entrust the person into God's hands. It also means you leave justice to God, which He alone should handle. “God will bring into judgment both the righteous and the wicked, for there will be a time for every activity, a time to judge every deed” (Eccl. 3:17).
In my case, I thought I had those three items checked off. I could do all of them. So, why was I still restless and feeling guilty?
Before long, a friend came over to my house. He said something to the effect of, "Kelly, you are right─forgiveness leads to soul rest. But, there is one step beyond this that you have to go."
I listened up.
He continued, "You have to ask God to forgive you too, for judging, critiquing, and holding grudges against those people." When my friend said it, I realized what had been bothering me for so long─I never asked God to forgive me! I was so caught up in what she did wrong, I couldn't see what I did wrong. "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye" (Matt. 7:3)?
I had made mistakes too. I judged the way she talked to me. I determined her motives. I figured she was not a good person. I allowed my heart to take on a victim-role when Christ more than protects and provides for me. She is not my maker; God is. I allowed her size to get bigger than God's. I had my own issues that I needed to ask God for forgiveness. I, myself, needed to repent.
And, so I did. And, so I took a deep breath and finally let it all go. This is peace. This is true forgiveness. This is the key to heart-solace many of you may be looking for.
PRAYER
Father God, I choose today to forgive ___ for ___. I also ask You to forgive me for judging, critiquing, and for ___ as it pertains to this person. Thank You that because of Jesus, forgiveness is fully available to me. I receive it right now and give thanks for the precious blood of Jesus that allows this to be so.
