Q:
I was hurt by the last church I attended. I have joined another one, but am not able to trust anyone. I’ve forgiven those who hurt me, but I’m still afraid. How can I get past this fear?
A:
If church members have hurt you, you are one of many. I’m glad you know that forgiveness is a necessary action. You’ve obeyed God’s Word by continuing to make the effort to meet with other believers as Hebrews 10:25 instructs us to do.
Ask God to search your heart. Sometimes we contribute to situations in ways we may not have realized at the time. If God shows you any mistake or sin on your part, ask His forgiveness, and that of anyone you may have hurt. You will move forward more confidently if you know you have a clean heart.
I would like to offer some suggestions that could make your path safer in your new church:
1. Let go of unrealistic expectations of the church.
I truly believe that churches are hospitals for broken people. When people are in pain, they often cannot care about the feelings of others and they sometimes make desperate, selfish moves. Those actions may or may not be intentional, but the wounds they cause can feel deadly to the soul and spirit.
2. Pray for God to give you discernment.
Observe people carefully and don’t take goodness for granted. Jesus encountered unkind people, too. He said, “Be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves,” (Matt.10:16).
Listen to the way people talk and observe their actions toward others. See if you find safe emotional ground before you open up. Take your time and gather data.
3. Be willing to bear some loneliness while you are finding a safe path.
Your tendency may be to connect as quickly as possible. Remember that Jesus is with you, and that it may take a while for you to be sure you are on the right path. Intentionally acknowledge His presence and ask for His comfort to encompass you. You can rely on Him.
4. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured by anyone.
Listen to the voice of the Spirit and make your decisions based on Him. Needy people may push you into friendship before you feel safe. Don’t yield to pressure. Although you have much to offer, make sure God is asking you to minister before you engage in helping anyone.
5. Remember that you can say “No” without having to justify yourself.
It is often wise to simply say, “I don’t believe I’m to do that at this time, but thank you for thinking of me.” When you attempt to justify your decision, you are giving people information they can use to pressure you. Make it easy for people to accept your boundaries.
6. Don’t think that no one will care about you again.
That’s not true. Although there can be unkind people in the church, there are also many kind people. For safety’s sake, you might want to seek out the more mature members in your church first. Certainly, there will be some people there who can love you and treat you well.
7. Avoid the tendency to judge churches by the actions of people in your past.
Stay open to God’s body. He designed it for His glory and for our sake. It is not His plan for us to walk the path of faith alone.
Ask God to give you wisdom from your past experiences. Above all, when you go through a painful time you need to treasure hunt. Don’t waste your pain. Let it motivate you to learn and grow. Your lessons will be useful to many in the future because the church is not yet perfect; you will encounter others who have been wounded by the church. Be prepared to be helpful in a way that lifts up Christ.
Aren’t we blessed that our Lord Jesus always loves us no matter who hurts us or who we may hurt? There is one thing for certain – we are safe in Him.
~ By Lynda Elliott
