It was several months after the death of my friend’s son. She had gone to church, a place where she felt safe to be honest and transparent. Shortly into the service, she experienced a flood of emotions that came in like a tsunami. As the tears flowed, a well-meaning church leader noticed that she was upset and asked her what was wrong. She shared that she was thinking about her son and missing him terribly. The person replied, “Oh, you’re still having a hard time?”
The message that society often gives in response to grief and loss is “you should be over your grief by now” or “it’s time to move on.” Our society tends to ignore or minimize loss because it’s uncomfortable with it or inexperienced with it. It’s uncomfortable to be around people who are sad and grieving as a result of some type of loss. What do I say? What if I say the wrong thing? Why can’t they snap out of it? Yet, loss is all around us, especially now during this COVID-19 pandemic. How can we as Christ-followers create conditions that allow the bereaved to grieve, heal, and grow? How can we companion or travel with that person and enter into their loss as they heal?
What is Companioning?
Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief, and Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, developed the concept of “companioning” versus “treating.” He states in his book Companioning the Bereaved that "to treat" in the Latin means “tractare,” which means to “drag.” If combined with the word “patient,” it can lead to trouble as ‘patient” means “passive long-term sufferer.” So, he says, if we “treat” each other as “patients,” we “drag passive long-term sufferers.” On the other hand, the word “companion” when broken down into its original Latin roots, means com for “with” and pan for “bread.” Someone you would share a meal with. A friend. An equal. Companioning encourages a helping relationship of support and empowerment.
I recently heard it said that much of counseling today, is related to some type of loss. As God’s people, we are called to comfort others and help bear one another’s burdens. Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear or 'carry' one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Loss is one of those burdens, and the church has a great opportunity to lead the way, especially since so much of Scripture talks about bringing healing into people’s lives. You don't have to be a professional counselor to companion another. What it does take is a willingness to be present, to learn about another’s journey, provide shelter, and offer encouragement and hope along the way.
Companioning is also a way that our own grief and loss can be used to be a comfort to others. As 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 states, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” God can use our own experiences of grief and loss to give us empathy for what others are going through so that we can provide support and encouragement to them in their times of loss.
The Different Types of Grief
To better understand how we can companion others, it is helpful to gain a better understanding about the different types of grief and loss. Grief is a normal reaction to the loss of anything that was important to you, and something that we will all experience multiple times throughout our lifetime. It can further be defined as the compilation of emotions and experiences that takes place after a significant loss. Grief can leave us feeling isolated, alone, misunderstood and deeply wounded. Loss can take on many forms. It can be physical such as a death, social such as a divorce, or occupational such as a job.
Other types of loss include disenfranchised grief. This term was coined by grief researcher Ken Doka, and is defined as, “The grief that someone experiences when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned.” It can apply to certain types of deaths as well as unrecognized relationships. Some examples are: miscarriage, still birth, death of a companion, animal, death of ex-spouse, suicide, addiction, accident, divorce, breakup, health issues, moves/transitions, infertility, job loss, gender or sexuality issues, loss of parental or grandparent rights, loss of the dreams or goals you had for your life, natural disasters, etc.
When grief remains unresolved or prolonged, it can lead to complicated grief. Here, the feelings of loss become debilitating and don’t get better over time. Painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that a person has trouble recovering from the loss and resuming their day-to-day life.
In addition to primary losses, there can be secondary losses. Primary losses can impact many areas of a person's life, creating multiple losses called secondary losses. Some of these losses include things like: loss of income, loss of home, loss of relational identity (no longer a husband, wife, parent, sibling, etc.), loss of role as caregiver, new role as caregiver, loss of life purpose, loss of dreams, loss of friend/family, loss of community, etc. When my friend’s son died, she lost the role of being his caregiver--a secondary loss. Her son had been born with special needs, so she was not only his mother, but his caregiver for the 17 years he lived. Her identity was impacted as she not only had to adjust to his death, but to the loss of a role that had been a part of who she was for all those years.
Helping Through Times of Loss
Life is full of losses that impact us physically, emotionally, psychologically, behaviorally, and spiritually. We will all experience grief and loss at one time or another. And many are experiencing grief on some level now due to COVID-19. To be a companion to other’s through these times of loss, we need to help them where they are on their journey and try to encourage personal and spiritual growth along the way. The encouragement that we offer should be based on the persons readiness and willingness to embrace change, and their openness to heal and desire to move forward. We can help impact someone's grief journey to encourage growth in the following ways:
1. Empower Strengths by helping them identify their strengths. If they have been focusing too much on the loss/es, encourage them to think about ways they have been coping well and about positive decisions they have been making. Find out what they want in their journey to healing and help them to come up with steps on how to get there. Encourage them to try and experience new things.
2. Encourage Learning by helping them find value in the midst of their loss by sharing new insights they have learned about themselves, their loss, and others. Point out the new abilities and resources they have gained through their experience. Encourage them to read books on loss and healing from grief. Suggest looking into different support groups related to their loss that could be beneficial and a place where they can learn from others.
3. Acknowledge Feelings as grief and loss bring many different emotions with it. Reinforce the importance of allowing them to feel and express all the different emotions they are feeling in their grief: sadness, anger, fear, guilt, emptiness, loneliness, etc., so that they can become better acquainted with their emotions and embrace their true feelings. It can be helpful to encourage them to journal or make a list of emotions so that they have a place where they can regularly express their feelings. Let them know that it's okay to be honest about their feelings and that they can make their needs known to others.
4. Provide Reassurance so that they know they are not alone. Remind them that God and others are there to support them on this journey. Hebrews 13:5b says, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” They need to know that God sees their grief and promises to walk with them through it all. Encourage them in their spiritual growth through regular Bible reading, prayer, and fellowship with others. Regularly check in with them to let them know you are there and will continue to travel with and be present with them in this journey for the long-haul.
Grief and loss most often come without our permission, but we do have a say about how we choose to mourn and heal from our loss. As we come alongside others, we can help them to embrace personal growth and discover that there are gifts in loss. As we travel with others through their grief, we are not there to try to “fix” or “heal” them, but to simply walk with them, encourage them, and be present with them as they take steps toward their healing and wholeness. Their grieving can move forward with the help and encouragement of others who are willing to companion them in their grief, so they can move to a place where there can be transformation and celebration of life again.
~ By Laura Johnson. Laura worked in long-term care for 20 years, and currently works as a Bereavement Coordinator at AseraCare Hospice in Waukesha, Wis.
