In The Chronicles of Narnia, Edmund longed for Turkish Delight. The subtle allure of using drugs and alcohol that may make a person feel good or unwind, calls out to people; especially those in ministry, including pastors' wives and kids.
Jason was tired of being a pastor's son. Tired of trying to be an example, and tired of missing out on things he heard other boys talk about, like fishing trips and golf outings. Weekend nights were his chance to hang out with buddies who made him laugh and gave him a sense of belonging. Drugs gave him a sense of independence from his dad and his over-controlling mom. Not only did his parents not know, they did not seem to want to know, because it would mar the image they had of their little family. Ironically, Jason felt free and all the more anxious to leave for college.
Brittany was the daughter of one of the church elders. She had always been the “good girl.” She was taught to reach out, rescue, and otherwise help in submissive and unselfish ways. She was excited to have a real boyfriend, a cute, popular football player. Brittany could see beyond Brad’s facade and understood the pain he was going through. She knew he drank to forget his parents’ divorce and the pressure put on him on the football field and to get good grades. But profuse apologies would follow with jealous control. Brittany had never told so many half-truths to her parents. Her mom knew some of what was going on between Brittany and Brad, but was fearful of a communication cut-off, so she kept quiet about Brad’s secret.
Brad’s dad, Richard, was a pastor. He claimed the divorce was due to his wife becoming fed up with the ministry. It didn't help that Richard had been emotionally cut off from his family for years. His long work hours away from home, his lack of emotion, and his obsessive television watching were one thing. But these problems were amplified by his heavy use of Valium, with an occasional shot of vodka, kept hidden in his lower desk drawer. His congregation saw him as thoughtful, compassionate, and warm. It was an act he could turn on and off at will.
Alcohol and drug abuse are not foreign to people in ministry. The stigma often prevents hurting teens and families from getting help. Not many people know that there are hospitals that have care programs especially for professionals, like clergy, who are impaired by substance abuse. To find a treatment program for clergy in your area, search www.addictionrecoveryguide.org for professional help. They will help you locate the right person. You can also call Focus on the Family’s toll-free Pastoral Care Line at 877-233-4455.
If you know of someone who is using substances to a self-harming way, don't skirt the topic in the name of a forgiving, forbearing, submissive heart. These are issues that must be addressed. Misapplied grace may only enable a person who desperately needs help. Enabling means to help the addicted person stay in hiding instead of facing the truth. The enabler often rescues them, lies for them, and covers up for them in order to avoid shame and “trouble.”
There are three “rules of addiction” that families and churches get stuck in, and that only perpetuate the problem:
1. “Don't talk.”
No, the truth must come out! The whole family and support system must talk and figure out how to support each other.
2. “Don't feel.”
No, feelings and pain must be dealt with, not drowned out with spiritual clichés that allow the option of self-medicating.
3. “Don't rock the boat.”
No, the way to help is often through confrontation, intervention, and applied consequences.
Jesus rocked many a boat. We are told to “speak the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15). Love is not a soft, powerless sentiment, but a mighty force that rocks lives.
Helping Addicted Substance Abusers and Enablers
- Educate yourself.
- Jump in; the sooner the better.
- Pray for clear, swift, non-life-threatening natural consequences, so their eyes might be opened.
- Keep no secrets ⎯ tell the truth, talk openly. Protecting reputations enables the problem to continue.
- Rock the boat! Seek counseling, check out underlying medical conditions causing pain, take the keys, call the cops, tell the elders. There is wisdom in the counsel of many.
Signs of Enabling (Sinful Forbearance)
- Believing “I'm sorry” when there is no change in behavior.
- Believing that it is somehow your fault.
- Believing you are “the one” who can love them enough to fix, rescue, or save them by patience, love, and logic.
- Keeping secrets to protect them from consequences at school, work, the law, or from their parents.
- Ignoring your own needs to accommodate the other person.
- Having a pharisaical desire to maintain a good image.
Danger Signs of Potential Substance Abuse
- Using prescription medication to excess, with alcohol, or in ways other than prescribed.
- Inhaling fumes or solvents for the “high”.
- Depression, anxiety, loneliness, stress, physical pain, or emotional pain that is not dealt with.
- Overly strong desire by a teenager to fit in with a peer group.
- Using the substance secretly.
- Craving the effects of the substance.
- Not remembering things you did or said under the influence.
- Increased family conflict, withdrawal, and decreased work or school performance.
- Going through the motions spiritually, but not growing.
- Not being able to stop after one drink, or needing that one drink every day.
- An angry desire to exert your independence over parental control.
- Driving when your judgment is impaired.
- Feeling ill the next morning and covering up the reason.
- Trying something once is an experiment. Binging occasionally, or making a recreational habit of getting high is moving in a very serious direction.
- Some people are genetically much more prone to rapid physical dependence.
