Every human being will face grief and loss, yet many find it difficult to know what to say or how to reach out to another in grief. We must understand our own issues with grief and loss to be of any help to others. How do you feel about this pain in your life? What has been most helpful or hurtful in the responses of others? What have you learned in your grief about yourself, others, life, your faith in God? The more honest you are in your personal grief, the more accepting you will be of another’s experience.
Here are some things that may be mutually beneficial as you meet another in grief:
1. Be Present
We are comforted by the mere presence of someone who’s been there and is familiar with the very thing we cannot understand or reconcile.
2. Listen
Listen with empathy. There is no “right” way to grieve. We all have more questions than answers. A person who has experienced a significant loss will need to tell their story many times to come to terms with it. Be prepared to share your own grief story, only if invited to.
3. Be Comfortable with Silence
There is nothing that will ease the pain, so when you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. Bear one another’s burdens.
4. Accept Anger
The relationship that was lost causes questions, confusion, anger, and bitterness toward self, others, and God. Don’t use Christian clichés, quote the Bible, or talk about God’s will. Doubts, abandonment, and resentment toward God or even toward the deceased are part of the grief experience.
5. Move Toward the Pain
Grief involves overwhelming pain that we cannot escape or reduce. We must be willing to accept the pain. We can influence another by connecting our grieving heart to theirs.
6. Time
There is no set “time” to work through grief. It takes as long as it takes. We will never fully recover or return to life as it was before our loss. We strive to discover new aspects of ourselves and a new “normal” that transcends our grief.
There is mutual benefit to enduring the pain of loss without diminishing or trying to fix the sadness. The pain is more bearable when we are not alone in it – when someone else is there to share it.
By ~ Laura Cherone, LCSW, LSAC
