Your spouse lost their job and you’re wondering how you can best support them. Know that their unemployment impacts you too, and your marriage. It’s a roller coaster journey that is often hard on a marriage. I’ve been unemployed twice in my life and want to share with you some things I’ve learned that will help you, support them through this experience.
Expect Emotions
Our minds love certainty, but the journey of unemployment is full of uncertainty. We don’t know when it will end and don’t know what the future will be. In times of uncertainty, our mind works overtime trying to figure it out, which it can’t. It triggers a variety of emotions, some that are expected, others will be a surprise. Emotions such as:
- Anger
- Anxiety
- Embarrassment
- Identity
- Despair
- Self-confidence
- Purpose
These emotions will impact both of you, but in different ways.
Emotions are stronger and more powerful than logic and they can overwhelm rational thoughts. Your spouse might react in a way that you’ve not seen before, and you wonder “Where did that come from?" It’s not personal, it’s their emotions.
You might be surprised that as the search continues without success, your spouse’s self-confidence might drop. It will make no sense because you know they are exceptionally talented and have been successful wherever they’ve worked. You’re right, it isn’t logical, it’s their emotional reaction.
Communication is Required
This will be a high stress time for your marriage and even with good communication, there will still be conflict. Good communication will smooth out the bumps on the journey. Intentional conversations about the search process and each of your expectations will help.
It’s not uncommon for the spouse looking for a job to have a plan of how they are going to search for a job. The problem is many don’t share their plans, they just execute it. If your spouse doesn’t share, you are left wondering, things like:
- Who are these people they are meeting with?
- Why are they having “coffee” with so many people?
- What are they doing all the time on the computer?
- When will they find a job?
- How many jobs have they really applied for?
Lack of information might make you want to push them into what you think they should be doing. Doing so invites conflict and it’s not your job search, it’s theirs.
If your spouse is showing signs of stress, you may hesitate to ask, not wanting to make things worse. Yet it is a conversation you need to have, but how you start it is important. Ask with a gentle, helping voice, something like, “Can we talk about your job search and what your plans are, as I want to help and support you, which I can do better the more I understand?” Ask about the people they’ve met and what excites them. Even though you may be frustrated, avoid a demanding tone or words, like “I need to know what you’re doing all day” or “when are you going to find a job?”
How Can You Help?
1. Be their encourager
Be their cheerleader, regularly build them up. Praise their efforts, not the results, because they don’t control the results. They cannot create a job, make someone interview them or hire them. They only control their efforts.
My wife would often say to me, “I’m so proud of you that each day you get up and are faithful to the search process.” Those words would make me feel like I could soar again and made me feel good about what I was doing. Find some words that will work for you.
You need to be “up” when they experience those “down days”. The challenge is you don’t know when they’ll be “up” or “down,” so it may mean you have to put your feelings and emotions on hold to support them.
2. Be a good listener
Your spouse needs to talk about their feelings, emotions, and their search, but they might not realize it, or their pride prevents it. They need a good listener to confide in, which means being available, actively listening to them. Don’t listen to respond, judge, criticize or advise them, just listen.
Your intentional presence will stimulate conversations. Consider setting up “date nights,” which don’t have to be expensive. They can be an escape from the job search or a chance for them to talk and for you to listen.
If they aren’t talking, you may need to take a look at yourself. It’s easy to get distracted with your own activities, i.e. work, children, volunteering, friends, etc., leaving the job search to them. You may simply have no time available to listen and need to make some time.
3. Be patient
A job search is like a home remodeling project, it will never finish as you plan. You can’t create a schedule by setting deadlines for when they need to be employed, it will only create frustration.
When they become impatient, and it will happen, you need to be patient. Gently remind them it’s a process, keeping them focused on the goal, which is to find the job that matches their gifts and skills. Finding the right job will take some time.
Remember, good things take time to develop or create. I love to eat, and two of my favorites are fudge and risotto. Neither tastes particularly good if you rush it to completion.
4. Self-care
Don’t forget to take care of yourself. You too are a priority, even though you may need to work around your spouse’s job search schedule. Without a break the stress will overwhelm you. You may need to find someone who is a good listener for you. Unemployment is not a topic of conversation most people care to talk about, but it’ll be helpful if you can find a safe place to talk about your feelings, frustrations and emotions.
5. Prayer time
I once saw a poster that said,
"Worry is a conversation we have with ourselves about things we cannot change. Prayer is a conversation with God about things he can change."
It’s important for you and your spouse to let go and give the search over to God. Pray together daily. You’ll need some “God power” to get through this search. It might mean you need to take the lead in praying because they aren’t ready.
Remember, you are both in this journey together, and together you can make it a good journey, not just in finding a new job, but in deepening your marriage relationship.
