Unbeknownst to her husband, my friend gathered her wits and orchestrated a private meeting with her pastor to disclose the web of domestic abuse that had plagued her fourteen-year marriage. With a female friend in the room as a witness, she disclosed as much truth as she could in the brief window of time she had, then raced off to her job at a private Christian school. Having preserved her family’s Christian image long enough, my friend felt desperate for help and for the truth to come to light. Foremost, she felt responsibility for the wellbeing of her children but also for the church, since her husband was a deacon.
Many Christians wrongly assume that certain issues plaguing our society (e.g. addiction, narcissism, domestic abuse, etc.) are taboo in the church. But as one article from Forbes revealed, 80% of people have been touched by emotional abuse, and many of those individuals sit beside us in church pews.
The aftermath of my friend’s high-stakes meeting with her pastor revealed that church leaders (who are trusted by parishioners to handle a wide scope of earthly trials) can be naive and/or ignorant about critical matters such as abuse. As a result, leaders who are entrusted to help congregants can inadvertently inflict more harm on them, mishandling at-risk individuals who are in urgent need of safety and help.
WAYS THE CHURCH CAN HELP VICTIMS OF ABUSE
My friend’s experience revealed many ways church leaders can do better in loving abuse victims.
1. Receive the Victim Well and with Gravity
Abuse victims feel tremendous fear and uneasiness in sharing their stories. Failing to understand the weight of domestic abuse may lead church leaders to minimize the risk a victim takes in order to share their story. A victim may be ready to disclose they are abused, but they may not be ready to leave the abusive situation. Pastors who are entrusted with the time and presence of an abuse victim should understand the tremendous cost involved for them to be there.
2. Believe the Victim
Assume the person meeting with you is telling the truth, and that their situation is as bad or likely worse than they are able to convey. Suspend doubts that the victim is lying or being dramatic. Numerous articles on abuse report that individuals who claim they are abused rarely lie about it. As Miji J. Vellakkatel (Deputy district attorney in Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Family Violence Division) has said: it’s far more likely for survivors to lie and say they were not abused when, in fact, they were.
3. Understand Abuse is Complicated
Emotional abuse is widely misunderstood and/or downplayed. Many people do not understand the mental and emotional torment abuse victims experience. Abusers go to great lengths to control and oppress their victims. Abusive behavior often follows a cycle (called “The Cycle of Abuse”). Church leaders can educate themselves about the patterns of abuse, which may help them empathize with the mental confusion and exhaustion that victims experience.
4. Be Humble
No matter how little or how much someone knows about domestic abuse, they should always assume they know less than they think. We can be poor judges concerning our own levels of expertise. My friend’s pastor believed he was operating out of wisdom and love, but his words and actions in the weeks following my friend’s meeting with him only showed how grossly inept he was concerning abusive situations. Though my friend attempted to humbly and gently better inform him through reputable resources, his actions demonstrated he was unable (and unwilling) to consider that he may be misguided in his counsel.
5. Listen to Experts (without assuming you are one)
Few individuals within the church have the necessary experience and expertise to respond fittingly to domestic abuse situations. Often, pastors think they should be able to handle all situations. Don’t be shy about making a referral to a counselor, one who specializes in abuse and trauma. Meanwhile, listen to domestic abuse liaisons, heeding wisdom from their experiences.
6. Expect to be Deceived
Abusers are master manipulators. They are phenomenal at twisting the truth to make themselves look like the victim, even providing convincing “proof” to this end. Hearing deeply convincing arguments can cause church leaders to second-guess the victim’s story. After talking to an alleged abuser, you can expect to question the victim’s account that the marriage is truly abusive (i.e. that one person is the sole offender/perpetrator). In that moment, doubt your doubts.
7. Gather Information
Seek to be informed about abuse, not to transfer knowledge to the victim, but to grow in understanding and gentleness. The aim of being better informed is not to have all the answers, but to draw increasingly from bigger wells of empathy.
WHAT THE CHURCH SHOULD "NOT" DO WHEN SUPPORTING ABUSE VICTIMS
In addition to many things church leaders can do to better support victims of abuse, there are several things church leaders should not do:
1. Do not value God’s covenant of marriage over his love for a single child.
Some pastors place tremendous value on ensuring a marriage is intact, at the cost of one of the individuals within the marriage. A victim who initiates separation/divorce is acting in response to the abuser—the spouse who acted with hostility and forsook the covenant of marriage first.
2. Do not think you can (or should) remain impartial.
Abuse is not a sub-context of “normal” marital conflict. The sides of each spouse are not “equal,” and there is not a “middle ground” to be found. Abuse involves a perpetrator and a victim. Embracing and ensuring the safety and protection of the victim is imperative.
3. Do not suggest (or insist) that the couple attend marital counseling.
Abuse is not a marital issue. Experts in domestic abuse widely agree that marital counseling is not helpful or appropriate in situations of abuse.
4. Do not silence or alienate the victim.
My friend’s pastor requested that my friend not talk about her marriage/abuse with others in the church. Days following her meeting with church leadership, she separated from her husband and his role as deacon was rescinded. People approached her concerning her situation and wellbeing. She responded that she didn’t feel free to share because of her pastor’s request. Although it’s likely that the pastor’s motive was to prevent gossip, my friend felt alienated in her own church body because she could not be honest about what she was going through. The church’s leadership continued to embrace her husband (without reinstalling him as a deacon), while my friend ended up leaving the congregation, largely alone and misunderstood.
The Church should aim to be a representative of God’s care in a hurting world. As victims of abuse summon the courage to speak the truth about their oppression, God’s people should be ever preparing to better meet them—church leaders in particular.
