Has your husband been unfaithful? His behavior is not your fault.
Many wives go to great lengths to change themselves in hopes of regaining their husband’s fidelity. They may alter their physical appearance, their spending habits, their domestic skills, or their performance in bed.
You could be an absolutely terrible wife, and your husband could still decide to keep his marital vows. On the other hand, you could be Wonder Woman, and he might still betray you. His choices are his responsibility.
Your responsibility is to be the woman God created you to be. And you need to realize that God didn’t create you to take care of your husband and everyone else but neglect yourself to the destruction of your own well-being. You are the daughter of the King, the beloved of your Father, the redeemed of the Lord.
You won’t feel any of those truths if you’re stumbling along regretting or being preoccupied with your passive or aggressive reactions.
Stay Out of the Ditches
The following illustration shows how you can walk through this painful crisis in a healthy way, with stability, faith, and assertiveness. It also can help you avoid the two common mistakes of overreacting and underreacting.
Ahead of you lies a road that represents the path of a healthy woman walking with the Lord during this part of your life journey by living according to the principles and guidelines that God has given you in His Word. As long as you continue walking on this road, you remain stable. But you need to be careful and vigilant, because deep ditches border each side of the road.
On the right side is the ditch of passivity. If you fall into that ditch, you live each day trying to keep the peace and not rock the boat. Above all, you are determined not to upset your husband. As a result, you’re reticent to confront his destructive actions and attitudes and are seldom willing to stand up for yourself. You convince yourself that your husband’s behavior isn’t so bad. You are likely insecure and, perhaps, depressed. During a crisis, you revert to a sense of helplessness. You may be a highly competent and confident woman in other areas of your life but still feel powerless in your marriage. Passivity says, “You win. I lose.”
On the left side of the road is the ditch of aggression. If you fall into this ditch, you become angry and defiant. You assume your marriage can never be saved. You make up your mind to get tough and do whatever it takes to survive. You want to protect yourself and hurt your husband as much as he has hurt you. You might see no option but divorce. Aggression says, “I win. You lose.”
Some people stay stuck in the ditch of passivity for years. At some point, they may decide they’ve had enough mistreatment, but rather than make a wise choice, they jump into the opposite ditch of aggression. But once they feel uncomfortable in that ditch, they usually jump back into the ditch of passivity again.
Unresolved fear and anger often lead to this passive-aggressive attitude. These extreme responses accomplish nothing and give the enemy an open door to attack you and your mate.
Between the ditches is a level road called assertion. This road is paved with biblical principles that offer hope and healing for you, your husband, and your marriage. As you walk on this road, God will lead you to seek mutual cooperation and partnership. Godly assertion says, “I win. You win.” Both you and your husband have the greatest opportunity to see and interact with God when you choose this path.
Hopefully this illustration will help you regain your equilibrium whenever you find yourself sinking into passivity or storming toward aggression.
Wives are often confused about the definition of the word assertive. It’s not surprising, since our culture often models negative female aggression. On the other hand, the church sometimes teaches a distorted view of submissiveness that looks like passivity in disguise.
Assertiveness means asking for what you want in a manner that respects others. It is a willingness to speak the truth in love, with confrontation if necessary, as Ephesians 4:15 explains: “Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.”
“Speaking the truth in love” is possible when you are managing your emotions instead of letting them control you. Reining in your emotions is no easy task and takes prayerful practice.
Taken from Aftershock: Overcoming His Secret Life with Pornography: A Plan for Recovery by Joann Condie with Geremy Keeton. Used by permission of Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, a Division of Tyndale House Ministries.
~ By Joann Condie & Geremy Keeton
Joann Condie’s career as a licensed and nationally certified professional counselor, registered nurse, and counselor at Focus on the Family has spanned several decades. Her counseling specializes in the sexually broken and wounded.
Geremy Keeton is the senior director of the counseling services department of Focus on the Family and a licensed marriage and family therapist. He has extensive experience in counseling men and couples on topics of healthy sexuality, infidelity, and pornography addiction.
