I see it all the time. If I’m honest, and if all of us reading this are honest, we’ve all felt it at least once. It’s the “what about me?” syndrome. Sometimes it sneaks up on us because our spouse is in an extremely busy stage of life or career. We notice that our emotional needs are dropping to the bottom of their to-do list and we resent it. Or maybe we have a hard-to-love spouse—my friend calls these people EGR (Extra Grace Required)—and we’re tired of trying to “fix” the situation.
Even if we realize that we can’t fix the other person, we might just be tired of trying to deal with it, live with it, or survive it. (“It” can be our partner’s drinking, selfishness, work-a-holism, gambling, pornography addiction, etc.) In our head we want the marriage to make it, we might even be in counseling with our spouse, but the “what about me?” syndrome can still hit. When we are sorry for ourselves or exhausted from carrying the marriage, what do we do?
1. Make key decisions!
Our feelings don’t carry us to the right decisions, rather right decisions carry us to right emotions. Emotions are the payoff to good choices.
2. Decide to take divorce out of your dictionary.
My husband, Bill, and I have counseled couples back to happiness from all kinds of crises: loss of a child, loss of a home, all kinds of addictions, affairs, and a whole lot of just plain, “I’m tired of trying.” The Bible does give a few provisions for what we call the 3 A’s (Affairs, Abuse, and Abandonment) — but that’s an entire article in itself.
Just because you can file for divorce doesn’t mean you should! Look at Hosea and Gomer in the Bible (Hos. 3:1). That’s redeeming love, and God is an expert at it. If you decide before God that you and your spouse are going to take divorce out of your vocabulary, then God can meet you there and begin rebuilding your desire to be in marriage and your desire for your spouse. If you need motivation, think of your kids, or even think on the stat that has shown that couples who are miserable now, but stick it out for a few years, rate their marriages and lives as happier than those who went ahead and got the divorce.
Just start where you can. Start by saying, “Ok God, I am deciding to stick it out,” even if you don’t feel like you want to. At times like this, Jill Briscoe, a mentor of mine who has been married to Stuart for 62 years, says, “Pray, Lord, give me the want to, to want to.”
3. Decide to choose joy.
Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes marriage isn’t fair. It is for richer or for poorer, for sickness or health, and for better or worse. My father-in-law was asked by his seven grandchildren, “Grandpa, you and Grandma have been married almost 50 years. What’s the secret?” He replied with a smile and a twinkle in his eye, “Well, I vowed for better or for worse. It’s been worse, so it’s got to get better.” When I asked my grandparents the same question at their 60th anniversary, my grandmother replied, “Honey, it’s pure grit and determination!” And she was right. Jim and Sally Conway, in their book, Traits of a Lasting Marriage, surveyed couples who had long-term, happy marriages and the secret that they discovered was that couples who were in long-term, happy marriages decided to be in long-term, happy marriages!
Deciding to choose joy regardless of circumstances will create that joy. If you go looking for happiness as the goal, you’ll never find it. You have no control over circumstances or over your spouse, but you do have control over you and your emotions. If you choose joy, soon you will find that you have it.
To help you choose joy, try a prayer partner of the same sex who prays not for your spouse, but for you! Have your prayer partner pray that you can experience all of God’s best, regardless of your spouse’s choices. Another idea is to make a list of the best traits of your mate, then decide to compliment one a day. Even doing things that you love that are not related to your relationship can help you choose joy: lunch with a friend, a walk at a beach or lake, a day at the spa. Sometimes you just need an emotional time-out and time off to regain hope and strength.
4. Decide to be the best.
Just this week, while being interviewed for our new book, Why Men and Women Act the Way They Do, a woman asked me if she had to submit to a husband who wasn’t living up to his part of the spiritual leadership bargain. She said, “It just doesn’t seem fair.” She’s right, it isn’t fair. But, we can’t both wait it out to see who will step up to the plate, be the bigger, better person and do the right thing. Someone has to choose to serve one another in love first (Gal. 5:13). Marriage works best when both partners choose to give 110%. You can hold on to being right, but that will probably just leave you holding on to your opinion and not your marriage. It’s amazing, when one person decides to do the right thing and be the right kind of spouse, it brings about change in the relationship.
One friend we interviewed for our book, Love, Honor, Forgive, was asked, “How long have you been married?” She replied, “37, and 30 happily.” The first 7, she prayed for her spouse who was having an affair. She didn’t pray God’s wrath down on him, but instead she prayed, “God, show me what to say, when to say it, and what not to say and when not to say it.” She radically obeyed God’s guidance as the Holy Spirit whispered to her. All in all, it took her unbelieving husband 7 years to completely come back to her and commit his life to Christ, but now they have been married happily for over 30 more years and her spouse is a mentor in a national men’s ministry teaching other men how to love their wives well!
I always recommend to women that they obey God, submit to God, seek to please God, and then trust God with the results in your relationship. In over 25 years, I can’t remember one woman who was ever sorry that she’d obeyed God. Even if she couldn’t save her marriage, she saved her integrity and her spouse’s unwise or unhealthy choices didn’t negatively change her. Obedience is God’s protection to your personality, and often to your future as well.
