I cleaned the floor and fluffed the pillows as I prepared our home for company. My husband knew that my friend was coming over for a girls’ night in—we were going to watch movies, eat candy, and talk all night. He planned for his night and promised to give us our space.
I sat with my phone on standby and prayed for the night as I watched the clock. A few minutes later I received a text from my friend—she wasn’t going to make it. Disappointment struck my heart; I instantly felt lonely. I couldn’t spend the evening alone, not after I had prepared my heart for community.
I marched to our home office and demanded my husband abandon what he was doing, claiming that we don’t spend enough time together. He was confused, since we had already shared our plans. I huffed off upset, but felt the Lord speak, “You’re only asking him to spend time with you because your friend isn’t here.” I stopped in my tracks; it was true. I was dumping my loneliness onto my husband, but it was not his fault that my plans were cancelled. He was not responsible for my loneliness, I had to face it with God.
After that revelation, I apologized to my husband and he forgave me. I prayed to the Lord to help me in my loneliness and to heal my heart. This was all part of the process God has been taking me through: to be whole in Him.
I longed for friendships and genuine relationship since childhood. I would get excited at attention from a classmate and replay interactions to relive their interest. My heart was set on attention and affirmation. I used to conform in middle school, pretending to like the same music or clothes. I went through plenty of phases, as a young girl does, but it added to the confusion of my identity. As a wife, I have had to face my heart, because I had someone noticing and living with my insecurities.
When you try to force a puzzle piece into a space that it’s not meant for, you bend it and misshape it. It’s the same when you change who you are to fit into a place that doesn’t seem right. When you conform and change your identity by pushing down the qualities that God crafted into you when He made you, you’re only hurting yourself. You’re breaking off pieces of yourself.
To pause my anxiety in finding identity, I isolated myself. I constantly felt judged and misunderstood because no one seemed like me. Thankfully, my college years pruned me. I met diverse groups of people and learned how to love others. It was hard, before, to love others when I didn’t truly love myself (Mark 12:31). During that time, I also met with Jesus more frequently. He became my best friend and showed me who I am. Whenever I felt alone or lost, I remembered that He knows and loves me.
We hear it all the time: Jesus loves you! It can feel awkward to hear because it’s out of this natural world; it is not the kind of love we recognize. It’s pure and unique, rich and deep. Once you come to terms to the fact that He loved us so much that while we rejected Him, He still chose to die to bring us closer to Himself, you want to get to know this love (Rom. 5:8). You want to know Him.
Facing Jesus through Scripture, prayer, and worship made me vulnerable. Through this process of peeling the layers off, God became my source for a fulfilled heart.
As an adult, the old mindset started to creep in again. I had Jesus and my family, but I was lacking true community. I needed a renewed definition. I used to see community with selfish intentions: what can someone do for me? How can I make sure that I will enjoy myself? Those aren’t qualities of true community. Community is a place where guards are let down, where truths set people free, and where iron sharpens iron (Phil. 2:3-4, Col. 3:12-14).
Finding our community didn’t happen quickly. My husband and I asked God; our hearts longed for kindred spirits. God moved us to a new church. He created the space, and we had to find our place in it. Thankfully, I didn’t force anything this time around. I allowed relationships to grow naturally—something my husband patiently reminded me was the best for true friendship.
I focused on being the best friend that I could be for others. A friend needs a safe space of no judgments; they need grace and forgiveness. People will fail you sometimes (Ps. 118:9), but if God offers us grace and chances for forgiveness, we owe it to others as well. I prayed for friendships and God heard my cries. He saw my tears, collected my heartbreak, and remembered me. He provides our needs.
It’s okay to feel lonely. It’s not shameful, but your soul communicating that something is not right inside. Sometimes we think that we shouldn’t feel alone because God is always with us, but God was always with Adam, yet Adam needed companionship (Gen. 2:18). Companionship is a blessing from the Lord, a gift that He joyfully gives. In fact, He came to earth for us to have better companionship with Him.
Now I see friendship in a whole new light, centered around true love. And from love comes grace, creating more chances for community to flourish.
