Craig and Jen Ferguson offer compassionate understanding and the truth of God’s Word for all who struggle―or whose loved ones struggle―with the lure of pornography. In the pages of their book, Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography, they intertwine their personal journeys of healing and offer biblical insight to help you deal with the shame, anger, and insecurity created by porn addiction.
Below, Craig shares 5 things he believes every woman should know about her husband's pornography addiction:
1. It’s actually not normal.
The phrase usually goes something like this: “He’s a guy and that’s what guys do” or “I’d rather he watch porn at home than go out to strip clubs or have an affair.” Let me state emphatically that these are all false. God created us male and female to enjoy sex in the sanctity of marriage. It is meant to be cherished and given freely between a husband and a wife. Pornography is an artificial construct created to serve a selfish desire of self-gratification. Sex within marriage is an interactive experience with a real person that joins two loving people into one flesh, not only physically but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well. God never intended for people to go outside of marriage to find this intimacy and interaction.
2. It’s not about you.
Even if he says it is, this is never an excuse for his sin. Ultimately, it’s not about what you look like, what you wear, or how adventurous you are in bed. Your efforts to mold yourself into something you’re not will not cure him of his addiction.
3. It’s not about sex.
Porn is about escaping pain, suffering, and pressure. For me, I was so worried about failure and rejection in real life, that it was an easy place to run to where I could act like a man without actually having to be one. I used this place to help me avoid a real relationship with Jen, with God, and with others around me. Men who have gravitated to pornography often are using it to numb the pain of an absent real relationship, typically because they struggle with how to have one. Encourage him to seek out a group of Christian men to support and help him be accountable. Be authentic with your own struggles, fears, and dreams.
4. He’s hurting and ashamed.
I have yet to meet a Christian man proud of the fact that he engages with pornography. If you choose to ridicule, stonewall, or heap more shame on him, you will drive him further into isolation. You have every right to be angry and your pain is valid, but how you express that pain and anger is crucial to helping him on the path to healing. Invite him to share his struggles with you. Accept him for who he is and where he is. God has a plan for him. Ask God to help you to be part of the process that will help your husband become the man God is calling him to be.
5. You have a voice and can make a difference.
“And the two shall become one,” it says in Genesis. You are literally the other half of your husband. You have a voice and you have a say in your marriage. Not only that but you can have a tremendous impact on the spiritual life of your husband and your family. For the longest time (after that closet encounter she shared), Jen prayed and supported me through my addiction. It was difficult for her to watch me rise up and fall back down again, but over time, this showed me how much she loved me and was invested in who I was trying to become.
By Craig Ferguson. Craig and Jen Ferguson have been married since 2000, and are passionate about Jesus and helping couples infuse their marriages with His power and love. Through writing, speaking, and leading small groups, they help couples develop and retain intimacy both with each other and with God.
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