Randy was seen as a great guy, an effective pastor, and a wonderful family man. At 38 he had seen his suburban church grow steadily from 60 founding members to 500 in his 12 years of ministry. His wife, Julie, and their three children were as deeply involved in the church as Randy. In all that commitment to ministry their family was seen as an icon of Christian discipleship.
The only problem was that all that busyness left little time for their marriage. Although it looked perfect on the outside, both Julie and Randy knew the loneliness and isolation that permeated their life wasn’t healthy.
Randy was an admitted workaholic and people pleaser and Julie enabled those patterns. She had trouble saying “no” also, and neither of them were willing to question their out of balance private lives. After about ten exciting and fulfilling years, the constant demands and 24/7 calling were taking their toll. Randy was feeling “burnout” and Julie was feeling abandoned. Their unmet needs for emotional and sexual intimacy were slowly eroding their relationship. Each began to withdraw rather than confront the anger and resentment festering like an abscess deep inside.
With his large staff it became easy for Randy to escape. He began to come in late and leave early from his usual office hours, spending many hours of unaccountable time. Julie noticed that he was spending more time in his home office, especially late at night. They rarely went to bed at the same time and seldom made love. When they did, Randy seemed distracted. Then the bottom fell out of their “ideal life.”
Nathan, their 16 year old, found an X-rated video under the seat of his dad’s car. His curiosity drove him to watch it, but his strong teaching about sexual purity prompted him to turn it off after the first few minutes. He knew something was very wrong. He’d also been taught about the dangers of internet pornography and being a typical computer savvy teen he decided to check his dad’s office computer.
What Nathan found was disturbing and disgusting to him. There were almost daily hits on porn sites. He didn’t know what he should do. He wanted to protect his mother and sisters. He also knew he couldn’t tell anyone at the church without ruining his father’s ministry and their lives - his life! He had two more years of a very successful high school career in an excellent system. He didn’t want to jeopardize an almost guaranteed college scholarship. He became depressed and withdrawn and his grades plunged. His high school counselor called him in.
“Nathan, what’s going on? Have you been using drugs?” he asked.
“Oh, no! I’ve got more sense than that,” Nathan stammered softly. He knew he was in trouble, and he really trusted this man who was one of his youth leaders at church.
“Well, I know something’s wrong. You’ve been depressed lately, not yourself and even your grades this term have slipped. I want to help you, whatever it is.”
Nathan could hold it in no longer and tearfully began to reveal the anguish he’d been hiding and the secret he was guarding from everyone. His counselor, a wise middle-aged man, listened patiently and attentively. He asked Nathan what he thought needed to happen. Nathan knew by then that his dad needed to be confronted, but didn’t know how he could do it. The counselor suggested the two of them have a conference with his dad.
When Randy got a note from Mr. Stanton to come in to see him he was relieved that the counselor was concerned about Nathan’s change. When he arrived for the appointment he was glad to see Nathan there as well. When Mr. Stanton shared that he was concerned about Nathan’s performance and depression Randy was glad something was being done. Since he was “so involved” with ministry he admitted he’d been somewhat out of touch. Then the counselor prompted Nathan to tell his dad what his depression was all about.
Randy was instantly defensive and attempted to explain away his porn addiction. Then his own guilt and shame overcame the facade. He dissolved into tears and wanted to just disappear from the face of the earth! He realized he had destroyed all he had worked for and his family as well.
That was the beginning of a long, painful journey. Randy confessed to Julie and, without the gory details, to their girls. Next they met with Mr. Stanton, who helped them consider their options. That included confession to the church elders and a denominational clergy care counselor. Randy was terminated, but given a severance package including six months’ insurance benefits and housing allowance.
The denomination placed him on probation for two years, requiring counseling for sexual addiction, marital therapy, and an accountability person. At every step Julie was included in the process. She insisted on having her own support person to deal with her losses, anger, and pain.
This story is not rare. Recent studies have revealed that 38 percent of pastors surveyed admitted being tempted by internet pornography. Earlier surveys have reported 10 to 11 percent of clergy admitted daily viewing of pornography. In one study, 12 percent said they had had “inappropriate sexual contact” outside of marriage!
It is hard to believe that their sexual behaviors aren’t about their spouse, but that is what our work with hundreds of addicted clergy has shown. It’s all about the males and their inner conflicts. There are actually several patterns.
1. Many men, maybe most men, in our culture are exposed to pornography early in life, commonly in pre-adolescence. The initial curiosity about nude females gets a giant boost when their pubescent testosterone kicks in. The male hormone is the primary physiologic force that ignites a boy’s sexual drive. Most boys begin to masturbate with or without pornographic stimuli. Since this is a risky behavior and secretly indulged it prompts an adrenalin response. The adrenalin coupled with the endorphins of orgasm begin a process of addiction.
2. Stress and performance pressures often begin to make a man feel inadequate. At midlife, this perception is intensified by life-phase issues such as unfulfilled dreams, diminishing energy, and the realization that he is not going to live forever. Sexual arousal, erection, and ejaculation provide a temporary relief from the discomfort. A pornographic partner requires no emotional involvement and satisfies the narcissistic focus. The addiction serves as a tranquilizer.
3. An occasional factor is a man’s feeling of entitlement. The distorted thinking is: “I’ve worked my tail off and given up lots of perks and pleasures for years. Now I deserve to have a little “fun.”
4. Once the compulsive, addictive behavior is established, a man is likely driven by a shame/anger cycle. We’ve listened to many pastors describe going to a porn site, masturbating, then collapsing into tears ashamed and angry that they’ve been driven to such degrading behavior.
Is There Hope? Definitely!
The road to recovery is a rough one, but it can lead to real healing of the deep, hidden factors that were responsible for the fall. A recent Leadership article quoted a restored pastor, “People say they can see we really love each other. And it’s true. It took time, but our marriage is better today than it ever has been.”
Factors that are helpful in the process are:
1. Confession and real remorse over the sin. (It is a sin: idolatry, adultery, and covetousness for sure, and usually lying).
2. Commitment of both husband and wife to work together to overcome the addiction.
3. Addiction counseling and accountability. The man should be accountable to his wife, but also have one or more men who’ll hold his feet to the fire.
4. Place barriers to prevent the sexual acting out. These may include blocks on the internet or TV, or if necessary, getting rid of both.
Not all pastors return to ministry after their recovery. Some feel they were not gifted for a pastorate in the first place. Others see the dangers of sexual temptations inherent in ministry. At times, the denomination refuses to restore a man to ministry.
It seems the more important concern is the restoration of the marriage and of the intimate relationship with God. These are quite possible, and usually with the healing and improved boundary-setting, they can truly be “better than ever.”
~ By Louis and Melissa McBurney
Christian Resources for Pornography Addiction Recovery
Books:
- I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography by Clay Crosse, Renee Crosse and Mark Tabb
- Surfing for God: Discovering the Devine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle by Michael John Cusick
- 5 Steps to Breaking Free from Porn by Joe Dallas
- Every Young Man's Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker and Mike Yorkey
Articles:
- Sexual Sin Destroyed My Pastorate
- Focus on the Family - Dr. Bill Maier on Pornography Recovery
- How to Recover from Pornography Addiction
Internet Resources:
