What are healthy ways to communicate my feelings, especially the difficult ones?
The cornerstone of all relational intimacy is the ability to make oneself known to another human being, and the willingness to let that other make him or herself known. It is a great gift our Creator has given to us, and quite honestly a sacred trust He has committed to us.
A large part of this “knowing and being known” involves sharing our internal worlds: what we feel, how we experience others, what we think, need and want. In turn, we invite others to share their internal worlds with us. This type of sharing is difficult for many people. Our need to hide our flaws, pretend that we have it all together, and desire to not reveal parts of our lives that make us vulnerable can make this intimidating.
Working through the obstacles in order to share who we are, and specifically what we feel, is worth the sense of risk involved!
Wondering where to start? Following are foundational principles that, when practiced, lead to better communication, understanding, and emotional intimacy across relationships.
1. Put all-or-nothing thinking to the side.
In our culture of extremes, there is often a myth about disclosing emotions—we either download the entirety of our soul or nothing at all. Not only is this potentially harmful for the one disclosing, it is often overwhelming for the one listening.
We can choose both whom we share our emotions with and what emotions will be shared. In a later column, we will learn more about what constitutes a “safe” person to share with. For now, people who will listen without criticizing, condemning, talking us out of, or over-sharing are the best people to open our internal worlds to.
We also get to choose how much to share at any one time. A good place to start is with what is most present in our experience and what we are ready to share. As the relationship continues to grow, we can reveal more. Taking the all-or-nothing out creates space and safety in the relationship that leads to greater intimacy.
2. Take loaded language and emotional weapons out of the repertoire.
Sometimes the emotions we need to make known to another involve anger, disappointment, or confusion regarding how we are experiencing another person and/or how specific behavior has impacted us. These are never easy conversations to have.
In our nervousness and trepidation, we tend to rely on poor communication habits that keep our real selves hidden and put the other on the defensive. Global language such as You….always or never shut down dialogue almost immediately. Loaded phrases such as You…. lied, are such a control freak put the listener in the impossible position of already having an opinion formed about him or her, another recipe for shutdown.
Years ago, a mentor told me that if we can take shaming, blaming, and attacking off the table in difficult conversations, while bringing our internal experience into the conversation, the chances of being understood are much greater. These are words of wisdom I have never forgotten and practice with greater consistency. They have never failed.
3. Remember our common humanity.
Opening our world of painful emotions, longings, and unmet needs to another is an act of vulnerability and courage, as we can often feel exposed, and open to attack as we consider sharing these parts of ourselves with another.
A powerful strategy is to remind ourselves that the person we are revealing ourselves to is a human being, just as we are. They struggle and feel anxious about vulnerability, just as we do. We are more alike than we are different. Rehearsing this truth before, during, and after our conversation is an effective way to reduce our anxiety and create empathy for the one we are sharing with.
May the delight of God and the gentleness of Christ be our encouragement as we grow into the relational connection we are wired for!