About four years ago, my faith catapulted into full-blown crisis mode. For nearly 15 years, I had raised and home educated my four children mostly as a single mom, while holding down a full-time teaching job at a local university. Those years were exhausting and contributed to mounting emotional, physical, and spiritual fatigue. Adding to my vulnerability, my ex-husband remarried, which dashed my dream for marital restoration. The final straw that broke my spirit was losing a full-time job I loved.
My emotions and feelings were way out of check in my life, and toxic thoughts were getting the best of me. I sought comfort, but couldn’t seem to find it. I feverishly pursued work, accomplishments, and titles to fill the void in my heart. Menopause and an emptying “nest” only added spice to my recipe for hopelessness. I felt defenseless, compromised; and sadly, I began to agree with the enemy of my soul as he hurled lies my way: You’ll always be alone. Nobody will ever love you. You’re not enough. You don’t have what it takes. You must do better.
What was on my “cravings” list? Love, companionship, a sense of belonging, recognition─ things of this world. This famine-sized appetite spread to all areas of my soul producing emotional and spiritual bankruptcy. I felt a bit destitute like the prodigal daughter. Eventually and thankfully, my soul hunger and impoverishment were catalysts that brought me to my senses and led me back to God.
I learned that God created our hearts to crave. His perfect design urges us to yearn for Him first, but unfortunately, other worldly appetites play interference. God feeds us hunger because He desires that He be our first love, truly enthroned on our hearts.
My days of “soul famine” were pervasive and persistent. Ultimately, I took a downward spiral toward a deep depression. It was then that my mentor challenged me to learn how to take my thoughts captive and turn to God to satisfy my barren soul. This suggestion, a stroke of color on the gray canvas of my life, opened the door to hope.
The Bible tells us to take every thought captive (2 Cor. 10:3-5, NASB). Truly, I felt overwhelmed by this process. My toxic thoughts were like popcorn popping continuously in my brain. Nevertheless, I simply started. I grabbed a journal and began cataloguing every toxic, self-limiting thought, or lie that I believed. I could then clearly see that fear, self-pity, envy, rejection, unforgiveness, and bitterness were deeply rooted in my heart.
Although I didn’t know it at the time, my hunger was producing a new appetite: the thirst for God, His Truths, His character, and His ways. I genuinely needed to know exactly who God was and what He said about me and my situations. I no longer wanted to play on the enemy’s team, believing the lies, and succumbing to doubt and fear.
For as simple as this may sound, I began to choose to think. I even chose my emotions and mindsets. By engaging thoughts that carefully aligned with God’s truths, I was able to “rewire” my neuroplastic brain—quite literally. This practice of operating from a renewed mind (Rom. 12:2, NASB) did not come naturally for me, but over time, with much effort, discipline, and by God’s Spirit, I encountered a solid path of restoration. I found the comfort that only God can provide.
I discovered that if taking thoughts captive is the launch pad, exposing the roots is the fuel for lasting change. Toxic roots, after all, produce toxic fruit. On the other hand, a heart rooted in godly love produces health, freedom, joy, and peace. Gradually, I learned to agree with God and play on His team in His “vineyard” where there is no lack of any good thing.
For too many years, I had neglected to see God’s beauty, to allow my heart to be melted by the message of the cross, and to accept the lasting comfort the Spirit offers. I had run to friends, to food, to Netflix or social media for love, distraction, and to numb my pain and sadness. Like idols, my toxic thoughts and actions were snares; they never delivered (Ps. 106:36, NASB).
This desire God fed me served as a low treble note resounding in my soul until I gave it my full, undivided attention. Gratefully, I discovered when my primary appetite is for God, my soul finds comfort and unconditional love. I began to work with Him, not for Him. He taught me to thrive, not strive. I learned to trust Him, knowing He would make my paths straight (Prov. 3: 5-6).
Nowadays, when a toxic thought erupts in my mind, I’m quicker to discern, take it captive, and lead that thought to the Lover of my soul to see precisely what He says about it. Focusing on God’s truths and Word paved the way for me to step out of anxiety and depression. It’s a lifetime pursuit. Some days I fight hard to take back my thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I’m extremely intentional about the mindsets I choose to adopt.
This hunger reminds me that I have a mission here on earth to glorify and bring honor to my Maker, to trust and abide in Him─one thought at a time. Truly, it is a marvelous blessing that God feeds us hunger.
