How do you create a shared spiritual life with your spouse and start moving forward together spiritually? Take a lesson from chocolate milk!
Chocolate milk requires two ingredients: ice-cold milk and chocolate. Likewise, in marriage, there are two people: one is the milk, and the other is the chocolate. And each one is distinct, rich and vital to the whole.
My husband, Ryan, and I have been married five and a half years. In that time, we’ve tried to grow together spiritually in lots of different ways, most of which ended in a sense of uncertainty and failure. We found the roles of spouse and accountability partner are not easily shared.
We read spiritual books together, including the Bible, but one of us usually tried to “teach” the other. We tried keeping regular prayer time during the week, but Saturday mornings are better suited for sleeping in than praying.
We tried participating in a community group, but while we made friends and both learned a lot, it didn’t foster our shared spiritual connection. All of these were good practices, but they weren’t working. We still toddled our way through spiritual conversations, wavering between vulnerability and defensiveness.
I realized that I was expecting Ryan to feed me spiritually instead of turning to God for food. And you can’t expect your spouse to do for you what you aren’t doing yourself.
Too often, I expected Ryan to be like me—the milk. In the face of our failed attempts to connect about faith, I wondered why he wasn’t milkier without stopping to wonder what he was bringing to the mix. And I missed out. You can’t make chocolate milk with two cups of milk—that’s just plain old milk! In order to connect spiritually, I had to recognize Ryan’s uniqueness. While I like to journal in coffee shops, Ryan would rather go for a run and listen to a podcast. If we listen to the same sermon on Sunday, he will cue into the application of the message, where I will marinate in how the message made me feel. Neither one is more right than the other, just different.
Spiritual conversations became safer once we stopped trying to change the other and chose instead to celebrate the gifts we each brought to the table.
Let’s take the milk metaphor a step further.
Not all chocolate milk is equal. There’s a big difference between Nesquik from 7-11 and Promised Land from Whole Foods. It all comes back to the quality of the ingredients. Our shared spiritual life is most vibrant when I am doing everything I can to become the person God made me to be, and it’s the same with Ryan.
When either one of us is struggling to put Jesus first in our marriage, there’s a good chance we aren’t flourishing spiritually on our own. In those times, I have to get honest and ask myself “Am I talking to God, reading Scripture, and in community? Am I growing?”
Quality Ingredients
Let’s assume you have high-quality milk and the very best chocolate. Now it’s time to combine them. This is the practical part of connecting spiritually.
How do you start? Try something and talk about it. What works for every couple is different, and what works in one season of your life might not work in the next.
In his bestseller, The Power of Habit, journalist Charles Duhigg explains that a keystone habit is a single practice that sparks a chain reaction of additional good habits. For example, studies show that the simple practice of tracking what you eat triggers healthier food selection and faster weight loss.
Is there a keystone habit you could practice in your marriage?
Ours is this: we take walks. Something happens when we’re moving side-by-side in the same direction. Questions feel safer to ask, and answer. Silence becomes a shared space, not a severed connection.
Last year, Ryan and I set a New Year’s Resolution to take 100 walks together. For us, 100 walks in a year comes out to one walk every three to four days. This is the first resolution I’ve ever kept. It has also been the catalyst for a season of marriage far richer and deeper than we had imagined. We’re thrilled with our growth and we want more, so we’ve recommitted to 100 walks in 2018.
What Will Be Your Keystone Habit?
You’re welcome to try ours on for size and see if it fits! Otherwise, here are a few suggestions below to jog your creativity.
In the meantime, start by sharing this article with your spouse. Then on your way home tonight, swing by the store and pick up your favorite chocolate milk. It could be Nesquik, Yoohoo, or Promised Land. It doesn’t really matter, as long as there’s ice-cold milk and chocolate, all stirred up and shared over dinner.
Habits to Stir Your Spiritual Connection
1. Start a conversation.
Choose one or two questions below to kick-start the discussion. (Disclaimer: if you’re just getting started, this can feel awkward in the beginning. Carry on.)
- How have you seen God at work in your life lately?
- What has God been teaching you about yourself?
- What are you learning about God?
- Has anything stood out to you in Scripture or prayer recently?
- How can I be praying for you? (Only ask this if you really intend to pray for him.)
2. Pray for your partner.
Write the prayer on a sticky note and tuck it some place he’ll discover during the day.
3. Listen to a sermon series podcast on your own or together.
Talk about it over dinner.
4. Worship together.
Come to church on Sunday, and then talk about the experience on the drive home. Here are some questions to prompt your conversation:
- What spoke to you the most during the service?
- Did anything bother you during the service?
- Is there anything you think I should pay attention to from the message today?
~ By Hannah Buchanan
