No doubt you will encounter many challenges as you maneuver through your marriage, but it can be done! We’re living proof. My husband and I have celebrated over 25 years of marriage. While it hasn’t always been easy, here are 25 things we’ve learned that have helped us to not only survive—but thrive in marriage.
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY
1. Realize that opposites attract. My husband and I are different. We have different gifts and abilities, different passions, different personalities, and even a different approach to life. And we’ve learned that’s okay.
2. Expect your vows to be tested. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Mark 10:7-9). We need to remember that our spouse didn’t marry the church; he married us! And we need to commit to making it work. It’s hard work; but it’s worth it!
3. Guard your marriage tenaciously. “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path. Don’t get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil” (Prov. 4:23; 25-27). We need to build safeguards against the opposite sex and be each other’s radar.
4. God gave us children to enjoy, not just endure. “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him” (Ps. 127:3).
5. Choose to put each other first. An old saying says, “Happy wife; Happy life”! When we strive to put each other first (putting forth 100 percent rather than 50 percent) then it will make for a much happier marriage. “In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself (Eph. 5:28, NLT). “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:3-4).
GROWTH
6. Recognize that living things grow. We need to make sure to nurture our marriage and make continual investments in it in order that it remains alive and healthy. “I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow” (1 Cor. 3:6).
7. Understand there is no growth without change. As we grow personally, we change and our marriage will change as a result of it. And that’s not a bad thing. God is a God of “new” and wants to do something new in each of us. “And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new” (Rev. 21:5)!
8. Celebrate the process. Philippians 1:6 says, “Being confident of this that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” We are all in process. What a shame to wait until it’s too late to celebrate our marriage and our ministry together.
9. Learn to speak at least one new language. Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages talks about how words, gifts, actions, physical affection, and time are five different ways that we speak and understand love. This goes for marriages as well. Our language is often different then our spouse’s; therefore, we need to learn his/her language. Don’t expect it to be easy! “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” (1 Cor. 13:4-7).
10. Maximize your spouse’s potential by being their number one cheerleader. There is nothing better than to know that our spouse is on our team encouraging us to be all that God intended for us to be. So, “let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching” (Heb. 10:24-25).
COMMUNICATION
11. Don’t sweat the small stuff…and most of it is small stuff. Galatians 5:15 says, “If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” This is true in the body of Christ, but the same goes for our marriage. Satan wants to devour us and our ministry together!
12. Forgive each other—over and over and over again. “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’” (Matt. 18:21-22). “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you”(Eph. 4:32). Forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves!
13. Learn to fight…fair. “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Eph. 4:26-27). Or in other words, “don’t let the sun go down on your anger…stay up and fight”! Remember that “God’s mercies are new every morning” (Lam. 3:21-23)!
14. Praise, don’t poke. Especially in public! We need to be public about our love and respect for each other. If we don’t do it for our spouse, no guarantees that others will. “A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day” (Prov. 27:15).
15. Talk about the “elephant in the room.” Don’t avoid discussing things that could easily get between the two of you. “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church” (Eph. 4:15).
16. Dream about your future together. This will not only give you and your spouse something to look forward to, but it reinforces your commitment to stick it out together through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, till death do you part.
PRIORITIES
17. Put the big stones in first. It’s easy in ministry to put everyone else’s needs first. There is a saying, “God loves you and everyone else has a wonderful plan for your life.” Therefore, we need to put God first and He’ll give us instruction as to how to put everything else in the proper order. “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matt. 6:33).
18. Do your best to connect each day. With so many ministry and life demands pulling us in every direction, it’s important to make intentional time to touch base and connect every day. Find a time that suits you and your schedule best. It could be first thing in the morning over coffee, or at the end of the day once the kids are all in bed, or maybe some other time during the day (lunch or before or after dinner). The important thing is to make contact each and every day!
19. Remember life is great when you date your mate. Once a week or month set the world aside and focus solely on each other and your marriage.
20. Obey the blessing of a weekly Sabbath. God’s Word is very clear on this command. For ministry couples this isn’t necessarily Sunday. However, it still needs to be made a priority in order to rest, refresh, and re-charge your spiritual battery. Exodus 20:8-11 says, “Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. You have six days each week for your ordinary work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath day of rest dedicated to the Lord your God. On that day no one in your household may do any work. This includes you, your sons and daughters, your male and female servants, your livestock, and any foreigners living among you. For in six days the Lord made the heavens, the earth, the sea, and everything in them; but on the seventh day he rested. That is why the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and set it apart as holy.”
21. Plan regular retreat times in a special get-away place. “Then the apostles gathered to Jesus and told Him all things, both what they had done and what they had taught. And He said to them, ‘Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.’ For there were many coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat” (Mark 6:30-31). Couples need to plan regular retreat times away from the distractions and demands of life to “be” together and times in solitude to “be” alone with God.
22. Taking time to care for yourself is a gift to others. Physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. “Moreover David was greatly distressed because the people spoke of stoning him, for all the people were embittered, each one because of his sons and his daughters. But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God” (1 Sam. 30:6).
SPIRITUAL
23. Share your spiritual lives and what God’s teaching you. There is nothing more special and inspiring than to share of all that God is doing in your individual lives together!
24. Love Jesus and His Church…and teach your kids to do the same. In a society that doesn’t understand the word “commitment,” it is important for couples to live it out for their children. It is important to show them that we can find joy in serving Jesus! “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church” (Eph. 5:25). “And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up” (Deut. 6:6-7).
25. Stop and smell God’s roses while the roses are in bloom. Life is too short to not live each day to the fullest; savoring, celebrating, and embracing each day as a gift from God. “So go ahead. Eat your food with joy, and drink your wine with a happy heart, for God approves of this! Wear fine clothes, with a splash of cologne! Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil” (Eccl. 9:7-9).
With a lot of love, time, and attention you can have a marriage that thrives!